


Bad Bet

by Lobotomite



Series: Headfirst Slide [3]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Emotional Infidelity, M/M, Past Infidelity, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2018-09-27 09:03:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 46,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9994520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lobotomite/pseuds/Lobotomite
Summary: Aaron had wanted it for so long the ache feels like a part of him, but now that he's finally gotten a taste he doesn't know what to do with himself.





	1. Chapter 1

Aaron wakes up as he usually does, asleep one second and wide awake the next, and his memories of last night might be obscured by a fog of alcohol but he knows instantly that the warm body pressed up against his back isn’t his husband. It’s not a particularly difficult conclusion to come to; if nothing else, the snores slightly muffled by Aaron’s shoulder are distinctly not Robert’s. Neither is the hand tucked up under Aaron’s shirt, the palm wider and fingers shorter and thicker. He reaches up and presses his fingers gently to what he’s realised is Adam’s hand.

The night before is starting to come back to him, but if it weren’t for the presence of Adam behind him he’d be convinced it was a badly remembered dream. Him and Adam… he’d accepted that wasn’t going to happen a long time ago. Okay, so he’d never managed to stop occasionally torturing himself with “what-ifs”, wondering what his life would be like if Adam had been gay or bi or just - into him. That had been with the underlying fact that Adam _wasn’t_ any of those things, though. If Adam wasn’t interested in him like that, there was nothing Aaron could do about it, and he was just lucky to have his friendship.

To have that fundamental assumption about one of his most important relationships shaken… it’s hard to wrap his head around it. So he decides not to. Not while his head is pounding and he needs to shake off last night’s alcohol, anyway.

He pulls Adam’s arm from around his waist and slips out of bed, unable to resist taking a moment to just look. Adam turns onto his front when Aaron leaves the bed, arm coming up to hug the pillow he’s got his face pushed into, and Aaron’s not a good enough person not to blatantly admire the way that makes the muscles in his torso and back stretch out. He looks good - he always looks good, but right now he looks good in a way Aaron’s never had the opportunity to see before, smooth expanses of bare skin on display.

The blanket has been pushed down while they slept - Aaron wouldn’t be surprised if he’d done that himself, Adam runs bloody hot and it must’ve gotten sweltering under that blanket - and it’s pooled down around his hips. It’s almost like a movie scene, enough bare skin for what’s gone on to be clear but with his ‘modesty’ preserved. That illusion is a little bit ruined by the absolute mess Adam’s hair is in and the thick snores that he’s still letting out, but it’s still a scene he drinks in.

He has to tear himself away before he starts to really feel like a creep, so he drags himself into the kitchen and roots around for some painkillers. It takes him a few tries, because of course bloody Robert had insisted on being the one to set up cabinets, and that was something Aaron really didn’t care about - better he channel some of his neurosis onto that than something Aaron wanted an actual input into. That uncharitable thought sends a pulse of guilt through him but he shoves it down, trying not to think of Robert at all as he swallows a few pills and then fills another glass with water.

The glass and a few more pills are taken quietly into the guest room where Adam is still fast asleep, and he places them on the bedside table for Adam to find when he wakes up. His eyes light upon Adam’s shirt, crumpled up beside the bed, and remembering why it’s there sends an awful mix of shame and satisfaction through him. He snatches it up and chucks it into the washing machine, piling some of his own dirty clothes over it and putting the wash on.

He tries to keep himself busy after that, doing his best not to think about how far over the line him and Adam went last night, trying to stop the thoughts spinning around his head about the repercussions.

The guilt he felt was awful, as was the idea of Robert finding out, but what really made his stomach twist with dread was wondering what Adam’s reaction was going to be. He can’t help but think back to that night in the car way back when, the look on Adam’s face when he’d lent in, the way he’d leapt out of the car like Aaron was something disgusting and dangerous. Of course, this time it had been Adam who’d initiated, Adam who’d kept pushing it further, but Aaron can’t shake the uneasy worry that Adam was going to regret everything that happened and this was going to be the end of Aaron’s most important friendship.

So he busies himself with tidying up to stop those thoughts, gathering up the empty beer cans and moving around all of the furnishings that they’d misplaced throughout the night. It doesn’t take very long - they didn’t make much of a mess, despite Adam’s proclivity for violence - but it’s already getting on in the day, and he’s pretty sure Robert is going to be back soon.

It occurs to him abruptly that Adam is still stark naked in the guest room, and even though he doubts Robert or Vic would assume that meant that they’d… fooled around, last night - if he didn’t remember it happening, Aaron would never have thought that either - it would still bring about some awkward questions.

He shoves aside the confusing mix of heat and anxiety that clings to him at any reminder of Adam at the moment, heading instead into his room, grabbing a shirt for Adam to borrow and quietly sneaking into the guest room to leave it on the bed beside Adam. He leaves Adam’s other clothes where they’re lying on the floor, figuring Adam is perfectly capable of picking them up himself, and quickly retreats from the tempting sight of Adam still stretched out on the bed.

He ends up slumped over the dining room table, head pressed against the cool wood and cursing his pounding head for a decent while before Adam staggers into the room - thankfully fully clothed.

All Aaron receives in acknowledgment is a thick grunt, and Adam sprawls himself out across the couch, arm slung dramatically over his eyes. Aaron doesn’t respond, uncharacteristically reluctant to have Adam’s attention, and they sit in silence for only a short time before Aaron hears Robert’s car pulling up outside.

Adam shows no signs of reacting - Aaron is starting to suspect that he might have fallen back asleep - and all Aaron manages to do is sit up, blinking blearily at the door as Robert walks in followed closely by Victoria.

Robert gives him a fond look as he walks over, bending down to give him a kiss, but Aaron turns his head so that Robert’s mouth presses against his cheek instead.

“Haven’ brushed my teeth,” he excuses, and Robert rolls his eyes.

“Of course you haven’t. Good night?” He asks pointedly, obviously referring to Aaron looking slightly worse for wear, but Aaron can’t help the flush that creeps up his neck at Robert’s accidental implication.

“Was alright,” he deflects, shrugging a shoulder, and Robert just smiles again and drops a brown paper bag on the table in front of Aaron.

“Got you lunch,” he says proudly, and Aaron perks up, grabbing at the bag and peering inside.

“Cheers,” he says happily at the sight of the hot pie and takes an eager bite, ignoring Robert’s eyeroll at his lack of manners as hot mince threatens to spill out the side of the pastry.

He returns Vic’s greeting, and then her farewell as she drags Adam out the door - Aaron gets a grunt as a goodbye from Adam after being prompted by Vic, and he responds in turn - and then he’s left alone with his husband.

He finishes up his meal, Robert choosing to turn away with a sigh rather than watch Aaron lick his fingers clean, and then goes to get himself cleaned up, resolving to leave last night behind him and focus on his relationship. As far as he's concerned, for the rest of the weekend, last night didn't happen.


	2. Chapter 2

Aaron’s heart is in his throat as his car bounces up the dirt road to the scrapyard. He really has no idea how Adam is going to be - and if he’s honest, he doesn’t know how he _wants_ Adam to be. He knows how he _doesn_ _’t_ want Adam to be, of course; Adam hating him over this would kill him. The idea of Adam pretending to be okay with it but not actually being okay, of their relationship becoming strained and awkward, would be almost as bad.  
  
Part of him hopes that Adam just doesn’t mention it, hopes that they just keep on as before and chalk it down to an alcohol fueled accident that won’t happen again. But he can’t silence the part of him that wants it to have meant something, the part that’s wanted this to happen since he was an angry, tearaway teenager. He loves Robert, he loves Robert so fucking much, but if Adam looked him in the eye and asked him to leave Robert for him he’s not sure he’d say no.  
  
Aaron knows that’s not a genuine option, of course. There’s no way Adam would give up his life with Vic just to be with him. That did bring up the question, though, of whether Adam would want both - would want to continue exploring his apparently not entirely straight interests, but without giving up Vic.  
  
Aaron doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to be the bit on the side again, he knows how fucking awful that ends up being, and he can only imagine how bad it would be going into it with feelings already involved. Not to mention the fact that this time, Aaron would be in a relationship, and Aaron might be a lot of things but he never considered himself a cheater.  
  
That seems a bit ridiculous, really, especially with what he’s done with Adam, and considering his history with Robert. Putting aside Adam, though, there is a difference, in his mind, between cheating _with_ someone and cheating _on_ someone. Because he owes his partner love and loyalty, but he owes someone else’s partner jack shit. Yeah, he knows what they did was shitty, and he feels bad for her, but he doesn’t feel particularly guilty about it. A bit more than he had at the time, admittedly, after being on the other side of it and worrying about Robert’s faithfulness, but he feels like the majority of the guilt falls on Robert.  
  
It’s hard to imagine saying no to Adam, but if Adam does posit an arrangement, he’s going to turn him down. His teenage self would be furious at him for saying no to the chance to have Adam in any capacity, but the idea of poisoning their relationship with lies and sneaking around… he won’t do it. He _can_ _’t_ do it.  
  
Adam’s car is already parked in front of the portacabin when Aaron pulls up, and although Aaron’s throat is tight with nerves at least he won’t have to stew in them much longer. He takes a deep breath after turning the car off, fingers gripping the steering wheel tight, and then forces himself to get out of the car and walk in.  
  
“Good morning,” is what he hears as soon as he sets foot inside, and Adam looks up from his desk to give him a broad, genuine smile. Aaron feels like sinking to the floor, the relief is so intense, cutting through the nerves that have been holding his body taunt. If Adam can look at him like that, then he’s pretty sure they’re going to be okay.  
  
“Morning,” he responds, smile easily forming on his face. He falls into his seat behind the desk, mood markedly better than it had been when he arrived. “What’s on the agenda today, then?” He’s being a bit optimistic, hoping for Adam to have any sort of a plan, but he seems to have been here for a little bit so he might have some idea.  
  
“Well, we have a bit of paperwork that needs to get done soon. And I was kind enough to get started on it already, so you can go do your tough bloke thing and smash some cars up,” Adam replies with a charming smile, and Aaron is immediately suspicious.  
  
“What paperwork is that, then? Wouldn’t be anything nice and easy, would it?” He presses, narrowing his eyes.  
  
“I wouldn’t do that, lad,” Adam says, flagrantly lying with a cheeky grin. Aaron’s unimpressed look can’t even begin to withstand that face, and he tries to surreptitiously cover his mouth to hide the smile that’s forming on his own face despite his best efforts. He clears his throat, trying to sound unimpressed.  
  
“Sure,” He replies, deadpan. “Well, I’ll do it this time, but you owe me a drink, mate.” Adam just shrugs.  
  
“We’ll see,” Adam says, but Aaron knows he’ll come through, so he rolls his eyes and gets up off the chair. He grabs his hi-vis vest and walks out the door, flipping Adam off as he does so, and doesn’t bother hiding his smile at Adam’s resulting laugh. It’s not like there’s anybody there to see him being a sap.  
  
Work goes quickly with his new optimism. It looks like Adam has gone for the time honored method of pretending nothing happened, and Aaron is happy to go along with that. As far as he’s concerned, the furthest him and Adam have gone is that awful attempted kiss in Adam’s car years ago.  
  
Before he knows it, it’s almost time to leave for lunch (and Adam has yet to make an appearance outside, the workshy bugger) so he goes inside to see if Adam wants to head down to the Woolpack.  
  
Adam looks up guiltily from his phone when the door swings open and Aaron steps in, shoving it into his pocket and giving Aaron a sheepish grin.  
  
“Uh, hey.”  
  
He just rolls his eyes, hanging his vest up by the door. He knows Adam will do everything he needs to get done, even if he does seem to spend a disproportionate amount of time not working.  
  
“Want to go get some lunch?”  
  
Adam perks up and bounces off his seat, coming around his desk and toward Aaron.  
  
“Yeah, sounds good. Why don’t we get something to go and bring it back here, though, so we can, uh. Hang out.” His gaze slides from Aaron’s eyes to his mouth, and Aaron’s throat goes tight again.  
  
He’s sure he’s imagining it. Misinterpreting, maybe. But Adam keeps moving closer. There’s a quick glimpse of Adam’s tongue on his bottom lip. And then he’s close. Right in Aaron’s space. And there’s no ambiguity about Adam’s intentions.  
  
Part of him is ecstatic right now. The idea of Adam wanting him - he’s always longed for that. But the larger part of him is in a panic. Because he _does_ want this. But not this way. Not in a way that stands a good chance of ruining their relationship. Not in a way that would betray the relationship he has now any more than he already has done.  
  
Despite all of those arguments, despite knowing they shouldn’t do this, Aaron can’t bring himself to pull away. His thought process must be showing on his face, though, because Adam pauses, looks him in the eye, and leans back. He looks unsure, now, and he starts to say something, but Aaron cuts him off.  
  
“Fuck, Adam, I’m sorry, I don’t- I _do_ , but I- Not, not like this-” he knows he’s babbling, but he can’t stop himself, needs to explain himself to Adam, needs to make sure they’re okay, but his tongue keeps tripping over words and he feels like he’s choking on the importance of clarifying everything. “We can’t- I don’t want to ruin everything, Adam, I’m sorry, I don’t- I don’t know what you want but I- I just-”  
  
“Aaron- Aaron! Aaron, it’s okay, it’s fine,” Adam interrupts him, cuts through his near hysteria, and Aaron stops talking, but he can’t stop the panic, can’t stop his chest heaving. Adam’s eyes are wide with alarm, and he reaches out, hovers his hands over Aaron’s biceps, and Aaron grabs onto that reassurance, lets himself tip forward and welcomes Adam’s arms coming around him, presses his face into Adam’s neck.  
  
Adam breathes deeply, evenly, hand petting Aaron’s back, and Aaron follows his example, does his best to match his breathing to Adam’s. He has trouble, at first, breath hitching as tears start to leak from his eyes, whole body burning hot with panic, but Adam’s guidance helps him slow down, helps him match Adam’s breaths, relaxing him and slowing his panic. He starts to relax, lets himself melt into Adam’s embrace, tears drying up and breath evening out.  
  
He pulls back as soon as he feels calmer, embarrassed at his overreaction, avoiding Adam’s concerned gaze. He wipes his knuckles roughly across his eyes, fingers twisted in the fabric of his sweater so it’s pulled over his fist.  
  
“Better?” Adam asks gently, head tilted like a worried Labrador, and Aaron nods brusquely, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth and biting down. “Look, Aaron, you don’t… I don’t need an explanation, okay? I mean, no is all you need to say, yeah? You’re my best friend, mate, if you don’t want to do anything then we just… don’t. It’s not gonna make me angry or anything.” It’s what he wanted - _needed_ \- to hear, and he feels brave enough to meet Adam’s eyes finally, nodding, hoping he can see how grateful Aaron is to have him.  
  
“Well, since I just made a right fuck up of things, why don’t I go grab us some food and we can have a quiet lunch here.” He hesitates, looking unsure again. “I mean, if you want to be by yourself I can bring you something and go put some time in outside?” Aaron quickly shakes his head no, unable to vocalise how little he wants that.  
  
“No, it’s fine, I don’t want you to leave.”  
  
Adam smiles at that, looking relieved, and goes to walk out. He pauses part way out the door, though, turning back to look at him.  
  
“Uh, Aaron?”  
  
“Mmm?”  
  
“I’m just… I… If I thought for a second you weren’t into it, I never would’ve…” He’s tripping over his words, looking intensely uncomfortable. It takes Aaron a second to realise where Adam is going with this, but when he does he’s struck by a simultaneous jolt of adoration and horror.  
  
“Oh god no, Adam, it’s not like that. You didn’t- You didn’t, uh, do anything I didn’t want.” His face is red - god, but he’s bad at talking about this stuff - but he doesn’t want Adam to think he’s done something he hasn’t. Especially… especially something like that. “I mean, uh, we probably shouldn’t have- yeah, but I wanted it to happen. And I don’t- I don’t regret it. I just think… I think we should leave it at that. People are gonna get hurt if we, if we make it a thing, you know?” Adam has gone slightly red as well, looking almost as uncomfortable as Aaron, but he looks relieved at the same time.  
  
“Okay! Okay, good, I thought… Well, anyway, you’re probably right. Um, we’re good, though?”  
  
“Yeah. We’re good.” He matches Adam’s resulting smile, and he thinks that at that moment, they’re both as relieved as each other.  
  


***

A few days pass, and at the beginning there is an undeniable awkwardness underlying their interactions. Inescapably, it reminds Aaron of that period of time after his ill-fated move back when they were younger, although absent any of the hostility that had marked so much of his teenage years. Their relationship is stronger than that, though, and they begin to bounce back, fall into their usual easy rhythm.  
  
“I jus’ don’t get why she thinks I haven’t figured it out yet,” Aaron says through a mouthful of chips. “I mean, she’s hardly been subtle about it, has she? All those questions about having feelings for a mate, and her being all mopey, and then them two are spending hours in her room almost every day and she’s happy as a clam again. You’d have to be blind _and_ deaf not to know her and Gabby have a thing going.”

“Well, no offense, but you’re not the most observant person in the world, are ya lad?” Adam says with a grin. Aaron scowls at him, biting down angrily on his next chip. Something that doesn’t seem to intimidate Adam much for some reason, in fact making his faux innocent smile grow even wider. Wanker.

“Yeah, sure, Mr ‘didn’t even know his best friend was shagging someone in the workplace’,” he shoots back, feeling smug at the way that quickly wipes the smile off Adam’s face. This chip is munched on victoriously as Aaron leans back in his seat, smirking.

“That’s bloody disgusting, Aaron,” Adam snaps, jaw going a bit tight. “I swear, I better not be working _anywhere near_ a surface that’s had Robert’s naked arse on it.”

“Oh ay, you’re fine with mine though,” Aaron says, grinning now. He knows this means he’s chewing with his mouth open, but it’s only Adam so he doesn’t much care. He does care, though, when Adam goes slightly red and avoids his eyes, and Aaron realises he might have brushed up a little too close to their… indiscretion, the other night. He reaches his leg out and gently kicks Adam on the knee, trying to move past that reminder.

“Anyway, are you really trying to tell me you and Vic have never gotten up to aught in there?” he asks, raising his eyebrows, and Adam recovers, giving Aaron a wolfish, if slightly strained, grin.

“That’s different, though.”

“Oh yeah, what’s so different about it then?”

“When it’s me and Vic, it doesn’t inconvenience _me_ at all,” he says grandly, with the air of someone who has just imparted a great wisdom. Aaron can only laugh and shake his head, fighting – and failing – to keep a fond smile off his face.

“Right, sure, that’s not hypocritical at all.” He remembers their original topic, then, and sobers slightly. “It’s just… is it because she doesn’t trust me? That she hasn’t told me. Does she think I’d have a problem with her and Gabby?” Adam rolls easily with the abrupt change of conversation, face smoothing into a look of concern.

“Nah, mate, I’m sure it’s not that. She came out to you first, didn’t she? She’s probably just worried you’ll make her keep the door open when Gabby’s around and ruin her game.” Aaron frowns, thinking on that.

“I guess that might be it… I’d hope she’d know I don’t have a problem with what she does, though, as long as she’s being safe about it. Even if she is a bit young to… uh… to be doing that.” He pauses, then, and it occurs to him exactly what he’s just said, a feeling of horror twisting through his chest. “Oh, god. What if she’s not being safe? Does she know how to be safe? Fuck, do I need to give her a talk about – about that? I don’t know how to do that! I don’t know how two girls do that at all, I don’t know how to do it safely!” Adam bursts into loud laughter, the kind that takes over his whole body, smacking one hand on the table and rocking back in his chair. They get a few looks at that display, enough to make Aaron’s face go pink, but the majority of the people in the pub are well used to Adam’s displays of boisterousness and don’t take any notice.

Nevertheless, Aaron leans over the table and thumps Adam hard on the shoulder.

“It’s not fucking funny!”

“It kind of is, lad,” Adam laughs, leaning away and preemptively shielding himself with his hands, still chuckling at him. “It’s not like she’s dumb, your Liv. I’m sure if they are doing anything, they’re being smart about it. No need for the hysterics.” Aaron scowls at him, unimpressed.  
  
“Whatever. See how sympathetic I am when you have to deal with your kid getting their first partner, then.” Adam’s smile fades at that, replaced with an uncomfortable frown, and he quickly changes the subject, ignoring Aaron’s pointed look.  
  
Aaron lets it go, though, too content with the way they’re getting over that little bump in the road that was a few nights ago. Everything is starting to be good again.


	3. Chapter 3

He’s stretched out next to Liv on the couch, Robert puttering around on his computer at the table, when his phone starts buzzing in his pocket. A glance at the screen shows that it’s Adam calling, so he smiles and pushes himself up off the couch as he answers it.

“Hey, Adam,” he greets. Robert glances up, looking curious and slightly judgemental, and Aaron promptly turns his back on him at a muttered comment about codependency.

“Aaron.” Adam’s voice is hoarse, like he’s been crying, and Aaron tenses, gripping his phone tighter.

“Are you okay? What’s going on?” Liv twists around at that, peeping over at him from over the top of the couch.

“I… yeah I just… Mate, can I crash at yours tonight?” He vaguely hears Robert answering his own phone, but he’s too focused on Adam to take much notice.

“Adam, you know you can,” he says emphatically. “Always. Have you had a row with Vic or summat?”

“Um… yeah. Kind of. Just… I’ll, uh, I’ll be over in a bit, okay?”

“Of course, mate, I’ll see you soon.” There’s a beep as Adam hangs up, and Aaron frowns down at his phone, concerned.

“Is he okay?” Liv is leaning over the back of the couch now, not bothering to hide the fact that she’s been eavesdropping.

“I think him and Vic’ve had a bit of a row, that’s all.”

“He’s coming over here, then?”

“Yeah. You might want to ask Gabby if you can stay at hers tonight, actually - the plan is probably going to be to get him wasted and listen to his relationship troubles, so I doubt you’ll want to listen to all of that.” Liv wrinkles her nose and nods, but her reply is interrupted by Robert storming in from the hallway where he’d apparently taken his own phone conversation.

“I’m going to Vic’s,” he snaps, voice sharp and annoyed. “I guess your bloody best mate told you about him fucking up.” Aaron bristles immediately, scowling at Robert.

“He told me they’d had a row,” he confirms, voice low in warning. “Of course, since we don’t know the full story, we’re both going to support them and not jump to conclusions, aren’t we.” He doesn’t bothering disguising it as a genuine question, and Robert snorts in derision.

“I think we both know it will have been Adam being an idiot. It’s been obvious he was going to fuck up from the moment they got together! They never should have gotten fucking married!”

“That wasn’t your choice to make, Robert,” Aaron says through gritted teeth, beyond tired of this argument. “I love Vic, but she’s not an angel, okay, it doesn’t always have to be Adam’s fault.” He pauses and takes a deep breath, not wanting this to turn into a proper argument. “Just, you go and support your sister, and I’ll deal with Adam.” Of course, Robert doesn’t take that out, never one to exit an argument gracefully.

“He better not be thinking he can spend the night here,” Robert warns, and Aaron can only stare at him incredulously.

“Of course he’s staying here!”

“I don’t want to live with someone who broke my sister’s heart!”

“Well good thing you’re going to be with Vic tonight then!”

“Oh, so you’re not planning on letting him stay here for as long as Vic has him kicked out?”

“He’s my best bloody friend, Robert, of course I’m going to be there for him!”

“AND VIC IS FAMILY!” Robert is starting to get really angry now, muscles in his jaw jumping as he glowers at Aaron, completely convinced of his righteousness. Aaron can’t help but respond in kind, Robert’s bull-headed refusal to listen to him fueling his natural argumentative side.

“AND ADAM IS MY FAMILY, ROBERT! HE’LL ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE WITH ME!” He squares his shoulders and leans forward, glaring up at Robert, refusing to let him throw his weight around. He might be taller than Aaron, but he’d certainly not come out better off in a fight.

“I WON’T HAVE HIM IN MY HOUSE!” Robert yells, pulling himself up to his full height and glaring down at Aaron.

“ _My_ house,” Aaron snarls, and he knows instantly he’s stepped over the line. Robert actually takes half a step back, hurt transmitting plainly from his face, but Aaron has never been one to back-step when his blood is hot so he just raises his chin defiantly.

That familiar transformation comes over Robert’s face, hurt melting into anger. The need to lash out and inflict double the pain he was feeling is obvious to someone who’s seen it more times than they like to remember.

He prepares himself for it, for Robert to unerringly rip into his insecurities, and he can see Robert building himself up. Then his gaze slides past Aaron, to the room behind him, and after a beat he’s spinning on his heel, snatching his keys and laptop from the counter and stalking angrily out of the room. Knowing it’s coming doesn’t stop him from flinching at the loud bang of the door, but the confirmation of Robert leaving saps his anger. Now he just feels drained and tired. His shoulders slump and he rubs at his eyes, already starting to regret his runaway mouth, when a small, subdued voice pipes up from behind him.

  
“Aaron?” He meets wide eyes when he turns around, Liv hunkered down and peering at him over the back of the couch again, and he’s almost bowled over by the rush of guilt that hits him. Memories of being a child curled in on himself as his parents scream at each other are like a punch in the gut, and he’s so fucking ashamed of himself. He’s meant to be a safe person for her - this is meant to be a safe place for her, and there he is screaming at his husband in the living room while she cowers on the couch.

“Liv,” he chokes out, having to swallow before he can continue. “Liv, I’m sorry. That was totally out of line.” He’s not good at making himself apologise, usually, although he’s getting better, but when he fucks up with his baby sister it’s all he can do not to fall to his knees and beg her not to think too badly of him. He holds his arms out automatically, hopefully, and she vaults over the couch to come flying into his chest, small arms wrapping around him. He squeezes her tight, relieved, one hand coming up and stroking her hair.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, but Liv shakes her head.

“He was being an asshole,” she says venomously, pulling away and glaring at the floor. “He can’t just ban your best friend because he’s angry at him right now.” Aaron can’t really argue with that, but…

“I still shouldn’t’ve said that. This is our house, for our little family, right? It’s his house as much as it is ours.”

“Not legally,” she mutters.

“Liv!” She looks up at him then, finally, chin raised defiantly.

“Well, it’s true!”

“That’s not the point! I don’t… do you not want him being here? I thought you and him were getting on now.” He’s genuinely concerned, more memories clawing for attention - of Chas rolling her eyes at his objections to Carl, to various other boyfriends, always, always choosing them. He really thought that Liv was happy with their arrangement, that she liked Robert; yeah, they still butted heads sometimes, but that was in the nature of both of them, butting heads with pretty much everyone. God, he just keeps fucking up.

Liv deflates, breaking eye contact again. “He’s not too bad most of the time,” she admits begrudgingly. “It’s not like I want you to make him leave. I just hate it when he tries to walk all over people. He’s only here because we’re letting him, not the other way around. And he’s always so annoying!” she added, looking genuinely perturbed at that, and Aaron can’t help but laugh, partly out of relief and partly because she was absolutely showing her age. They’re going to have to have a longer talk about this - Aaron doesn’t want her feeling uncomfortable and not telling him because she’s still unsure of her place - but it’s enough for now to know that he hasn’t been totally missing signals from her.

“You’re fifteen, Liv,” he says teasingly. “Everyone over twenty and under fourteen is annoying to you.”

“Not you,” she says, genuine and intent, and he’s struck by that intense adoration he always gets around her. It even manages to withstand her cheekily added, “usually,” and as he smiles at her he hears a car pull up in front of the house.

“That’ll be Adam. You want a lift to Gabby’s?” Liv makes a face again and nods quickly, giving him another quick hug before trotting off to her room, phone already in her hand.

The door opens after Aaron grabs his wallet off the counter, and Adam looks exhausted when he walks into the room. Aaron immediately strides up to him and silently pulls him into a hug, rocking him side to side while Adam wraps his arms tight around his chest and buries his face in Aaron’s neck. Scrappy has followed right behind Adam, wiggling and snuffling at Aaron’s legs, stubby tail almost vibrating in it’s attempts to wag.

  
They stand like that for a long moment before Adam pulls back, rubbing a hand across his eyes.

“Hey,” he mutters in that hoarse voice Aaron had heard on the phone, and he hates this, Adam quiet and downcast. It’s unnatural.

“Hey, mate,” he says softly, and Adam manages a weak half smile. Liv is hovering awkwardly in the living room with her bag on her back, so he claps Adam on the shoulder and gestures to the fridge. “Look, I’m gonna take Liv over to Gabby’s. You can come along if you like, or there’re beers in the fridge if you want to unwind here?”

“I think me and Scrappy’ll just stay here,” Adam decides after a moment of consideration.

“All right, well, I’ll be back soon. I’ll stop off on the way back and pick up some booze and food, and then we can get you nice and bladdered, yeah?” That pulls another half smile from Adam, and he nods.

“Yeah. Uh, could you grab some dog food while you’re there? We… kind of left in a hurry.”

“Sure. Right, let’s go, Liv - Gabby knows you’re coming over?”

“Yup. Um, bye, Adam.” She hesitates, obviously trying to decide whether or not to mention his relationship, and then gives him a quick awkward wave and hurries out the door. Aaron gives Adam another firm clap on the back, knocking him forward slightly and earning himself a fond glare, then grabs his keys and heads out of the room after Liv.

The ride to Gabby’s house is quiet and uneventful, but Aaron presses his hand to Liv’s shoulder before she gets out of the car.

“Liv, just, you know you don’t have to leave if you don’t want to, right? I don’t want you to feel like I’m kicking you out of the house.” Liv rolls her eyes at him and brushes his hand off her shoulder.

“I really don’t want to be there listening to Adam cry about his problems. It’ll be nice to hang out with Gabby, anyway.” She doesn’t meet Aaron’s eyes saying that last bit, pulling the door open instead, and Aaron just smirks. Yeah, he’s sure she won’t mind the excuse to spend the night.

He’s learnt from experience not to bother trying to walk her to the door - “I’m not a _baby, Aaron_ , I can walk up a _driveway_ without getting lost” - but he still waits in the driveway until she’s been pulled inside by Gabby, and then it’s off to David’s.

He gets a raised eyebrow from David over his purchases - two bottles of cheap vodka, some mixers, some oven pizzas, and what he’s pretty sure is Scrappy’s usual food - and then a sympathetic wince when he gives him a quick explanation.

“Better get that over to him quick, then,” he says, and Aaron does just that, hoping Adam is alright.


	4. Chapter 4

When he gets into the living room Adam is on the couch, and Scrappy runs over to give him another enthusiastic greeting, sniffing at the bag in Aaron’s hands. He gives the dog an absentminded pat on the head while he places the items on the counter, and looks over to see how Adam is doing.  
  
He hasn’t acknowledged Aaron, and he’s ignoring the TV that’s on, instead toying with the beer can in his hand with a furrowed brow. That really won’t do, so he pulls two shot glasses out of the cupboard and bangs them down on the counter. Adam starts and twists around to look at him over the couch, and Aaron brandishes one of the now open vodka bottles at him.  
  
“Right, get over here and get this down you,” he calls out, filling the glasses. Adam sighs and slopes over, grabbing one glass and immediately knocking it back.   
  
“Ugh, didn’t spare any expense, did ya?” he says with a grimace, dropping his glass down. Aaron just rolls his eyes and pours him another, nudging it back over to Adam.  
  
“The goal is to get you drunk enough to talk about your problems, mate, I’m not gonna waste my money on something we’re trying to get down you as fast as possible.” Adam stares at him for a second and then shrugs, tossing that one back too - complete with exaggerated wince that Aaron ignores.   
  
“Fair enough.”   
  
Aaron downs his own shot - he has to admit that Adam’s right, it is foul - and then pulls out some normal glasses.  
  
“All right, back to the couch while I pour us some proper drinks. Chuck the Playstation on, choose something to play. Maybe a co-op this time,” he says pointedly, and Adam walks back over with a roll of his eyes. Aaron pours them both a drink, Adam’s with a larger amount of alcohol in it, and heads back over himself, resting their drinks on the table in front of them.   
  
A controller lands in Aaron’s lap, chucked over by Adam who then sprawls down next to him, and Aaron takes a sip of his drink while Adam flicks through their library to find something to play. He eventually settles on Broforce, not exactly to Aaron’s surprise, and they settle in for a good few hours of drinking and shooting nameless enemies in the face.  
  
***  
  
“I think our effectiveness is starting to suffer, mate,” Aaron muses after their onscreen avatars die another violent death, red pixels flying across the screen. Adam laughs, tossing his controller onto the table and taking another swig of his drink.  
  
“Yeah, you’re not doing too great, are ya, lad.”   
  
Aaron snorts and rolls his eyes - he’s not the one who just killed them both with his own grenade, thank you very much - and lets his own controller fall from his hand to the couch. The dog is conked out on the floor, occasionally twitching and chasing imaginary foes. He rubs a foot affectionately along her ribs then looks over at Adam.  
  
Now is as good a time as any to broach the topic they’ve been avoiding - probably best do it soon, while Adam is still relatively coherent - so he resettles himself on the couch, facing Adam.  
  
“So. You ready to tell me what went down with Vic?”   
  
The small, buzzed smile fades from Adam’s face, and he looks down into his lap. They sit in silence for a long moment, Aaron giving him some space, and then Adam clears his throat and wipes a hand across his mouth.  
  
“Uh, yeah. Well… I think my marriage is over.” He looks up at Aaron and gives him a slanted smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, shoulders rising and falling in a heavy shrug.  
  
“Oh, mate, come on, I’m sure it’s not that bad. Walk me through what happened.”  
  
“… I… I told her I don’t want a kid.”  
  
“What?” That was definitely not what Aaron had been expecting. “Adam, I thought you two had already gone through all of that? I thought you wanted it as well?”  
  
“So did I. I mean, I love Vic, I do, and even… even with, um, the- the circumstances, y’know with little Johnny… I really loved being his dad. It was great. I’m just… I don’t think it would be, uh, it wouldn’t be fair. To the kid. If we had one when I don’t even… don’t even know if Vic is the one I’m meant to… to be with…”  
  
“You - you don’t know if Vic is the one you’re meant to be with? Adam, where is this coming from? You and Vic are great together!” An uncomfortable thing hits him, then. “Adam, this… this isn’t because of… what happened the other night, is it?” Adam avoids his eyes, running a hand over his face, and Aaron feels sick. He swallows and has to take a few deep breaths. “Fuck, Adam. I thought we agreed it was… it didn’t mean anything. It doesn’t need to come between you and Vic, Adam, come on.” He pauses, another thought occurring to him and making his stomach drop. “Did you… did you tell Vic… about…?” But Adam shakes his head emphatically.  
  
“No. I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t do that to you, Aaron. But the fact that it happened… I realised that I love Vic, but I don’t… I don’t love her enough? Or… that’s not right. Um. Just… she’s not the person I’m… I’m meant to be with. Like I said. And I’m a fucking - a fucking shitty person, that I didn’t realise until now, didn’t fucking… admit it to myself, until now.”  
  
“So, what, you’re just going to… to throw your marriage away for this… this possible future woman?” He’s getting slightly forceful, he knows, sounds incredulous, but that’s because he is, because he thinks this is Adam making a big mistake, and he wants Adam to realise how stupid he’s being. He doesn’t have to ruin his relationship with Vic because he isn’t ready to have a kid with her.  
  
Adam is staring intently at his hands now, eyes welling up with tears, and he slowly shakes his head. “No. I just… It’s just not fair. To me, or Vic, or - or the baby we were trying for. If I do all this knowing I’m in love with someone else.”   
  
“Wh- You’re in love with someone else? What the fuck, Adam!? When did this happen!?” He’s genuinely blindsided, and he can’t help the way his stomach drops, the way it hurts to find out that Adam has managed to bloody fall in love with someone and Aaron hadn’t had any idea he’d even been thinking about anyone other than Vic. He has no idea who it is - none of the women he can think of make any sense.  
  
Adam won’t look at him, curling over himself and rubbing violently at his eyes. “I don’t fucking know, okay? I don’t know when it happened. It just… it just did. And no, I’m not telling you who it is. It doesn’t fucking matter who it is because it- it’s not gonna happen. All right?” He jerks his head up, now, glaring at Aaron with wet eyes like it’s his fault. “Y- They’re with someone else, okay, and th- I’m pretty sure they’re happy, and he’s who they want, and I fuckin’- I fuckin’ lost my chance with them before I even… _fucking_ … knew that I wanted one, and I can’t do anything about it. Okay!? So it doesn’t even fucking matter who it is! It just matters that now that I fucking know- that I know what I really want it wouldn’t… it wouldn’t be fair for me to stay with Vic, to start a fucking family, when I know I’m- I’m gonna be thinking about- about them. And it’s not fair that I was a fucking _idiot_ and didn’t realise what I wanted until it was too late but I’m not gonna let this turn into even more of a goddamn mess. Okay!? Is that a good enough fucking reason for you!?”   
  
Adam’s not really angry at Aaron, he knows that, so he doesn’t let Adam’s anger shake him, regardless of how unnerving it is. He suppresses the urge to reach out and comfort him, not sure if Adam would appreciate that right now or not. Instead he leans forward, catches Adam’s gaze, tries to make himself look as understanding as possible.  
  
“Okay, Adam, it’s okay. If you don’t wanna tell me you don’t- you don’t have to tell me. So… you realised you’re… in love with someone who’s not Vic.” The fact that he still has no idea who she could be rankles, but right now is not the time to nurse his own wounded feelings. “You… you broke up with Vic, then? How did she take it? Is she okay?”   
  
The anger has already drained out of Adam, leaving him slouched deflated and tired on the couch, and he grimaces.  
  
“Well… no… I was going to. But we… we were talking and I um. I told her I changed my mind about having a baby and it kind of… it kind of started a fight. And I… I get why she would be angry at me, for- for changing my mind about something like that. I know she has a- a right, to be angry at me. But I was already feeling guilty and nervous and I… I said some things that I shouldn’t’ve, uh, said, and she… kicked me out.”   
  
Aaron makes a sympathetic noise, deciding it should be alright to reach out and rub Adam’s shoulder, and he’s proven right when Adam leans into the touch. He shuffles himself over to Adam’s side, sliding his arm around Adam’s shoulders, and Adam leans into him, head resting on Aaron’s shoulder.   
  
“It’s not- not like I can be upset, at her kicking me out, because, I mean, I was- I was going to end it anyway. It just… it just fucking sucks having her angry at me. Because I still, it’s not like I don’t love her. You know? I don’t want to hurt her. I just think… I just think I’ll hurt her more in the end if I… if I try and pretend nothing is different,” he mumbles into Aaron’s shirt.  
  
“I know, mate. It’s hard. Relationships ending… that always fucking sucks. You know I’ll support you, if this is what you really want. And you know you have a place with me for as long as you need it. Right?” He rubs Adam’s back as he’s talking, feeling Adams hands come up to twist in the front of his shirt. He nods, and they lapse into silence, curled into each other on the couch for a long time.  
  
Aaron still isn’t convinced this needs to be the end of Adam’s marriage - he might not know who this person is, but he doubts she could be better for him than Vic. Now isn’t the time to argue with him, though. Now is the time to let Adam say what he needs to and just support him.   
  
Adam finally heaves a big sigh and rubs his face against Aaron, drying his eyes as far as Aaron can tell, then lets go of him and pulls back.   
  
“Okay, I’ve- opened up, or whatever. Can you make good on your promise to get me wasted now?”  
  
Aaron smiles and gently waps Adam on the back of the head, earning himself a protesting yelp.  
  
“I reckon you’re already there, mate. But go on, then, I’ll pour you another one.”  
  
They don’t bother to try and keep playing the game - Adam continues to insist it’s because Aaron isn’t pulling his weight, and Aaron lets him have his delusions this once - so they just bring up youtube. Adam sculls the rest of his glass and shoves it at Aaron, snatching the controller and squinting at the screen as he starts to type something in the search bar, and Aaron resigns himself to being in charge of drinks.  
  
Relationship talk is off limits for the rest of the night, and they fall easily into the usual rhythm. Adam is a little bit somber, at first, but soon he’s smiling and happy and constantly right up in Aaron’s space as usual.  
  
He lets Adam have the reigns tonight, doesn’t fight him for control of the TV (much - he’ll put up with a lot but some of Adam’s music tastes are just unacceptable no matter the circumstances), just tries to make sure Adam is happy for the rest of the night.   
  
It’s something that he’s honestly still in awe of, even after all these years, the fact that he can make Adam smile like that. That someone like Adam is made happy by Aaron’s presence, that someone like Adam _seeks him out_ , chooses Aaron of all people to give his affection to - it’s mind blowing. He was the first person Aaron ever really had that with, had ever really clicked with in a way that was mutual, and Aaron has a lot of people close to him now but Adam will always be special. He owes Adam more than he can ever repay, but he’ll do his damn best.  
  
They keep going for a few hours - Adam jumping between music videos, stupid videos of people being idiots and hurting themselves, various random garbage that Adam suddenly _has_ to show him that Aaron doesn’t bother really watching, and he’s just as likely to chatter through the video he’s just hunted down as he is to watch it. He seems to be enjoying himself, though, so Aaron enjoys himself too, lets Adam talk with great intensity about nothing in particular, doesn’t always listen but always enjoys being at the center of Adam’s focus.  
  
It’s just gone one, though, when Adam starts getting proper, sloppy drunk, managing to wobble even seated on the couch, so Aaron figures it’s time to get him into bed. He loves Adam, but he’d really rather not be cleaning vomit off the carpet tonight.  
  
Adam is initially opposed to the idea - _I_ _’m not_ that _drunk, Aaron, come on,_ followed by that giggle he has when he _is_ , in fact, _that_ drunk - but Aaron manages to firmly coax him up off the couch, navigating the trip to the guest room successfully despite having Adam draped on him and being more of a burden than a help.   
  
Of course, Adam doesn’t make it easy to get him on the bed. He can deal with sleeping in his clothes, Aaron is definitely not going there, but he refuses to let go of Aaron and bloody lie down, wrapping his arms tight around Aaron’s neck and mumbling something about him being a traitor and abandoning him.  
  
Aaron, foolishly, tries to reason with him, telling him he’s just going to be in the other room, but Adam doesn’t budge and Aaron is too fucking drunk for this so in the end he just throws them both down onto the bed. Adam is much happier to go along with him after that (and after his initial, vocal protest at the rough treatment), letting him scoot them along so they’re not at risk of falling over the side, but he doesn’t release his grip on Aaron’s neck.  
  
Adam’s not going to last long now that he’s horizontal, Aaron figures, so he lets Adam get comfortable, decides he’ll retreat to his own room once Adam is out to it. He’s not exactly sober himself, though, and he feels warm and happy, and he may not be all that comfortable on his back with Adam half suffocating him but he’s comfortable enough, apparently, and before he knows it he’s fast asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

It feels almost like déjà vu, waking up to the feel of Adam wrapped around him. The differences in this situation to the one a few nights ago hit him quickly, though, when he realises that one, him and Adam are both fully clothed this time, and two, there is a warm body in front of him as well as behind him, and his fingers are currently buried in thick fur. He forces his eyes open, blinking groggily at the back of Scrappy’s head. He certainly doesn’t remember her being there when him and Adam had gone to sleep.  
  
He is also pretty sure that him and Adam had been almost right in the middle of the bed when they’d passed out, but twisting around confirms that Adam is squished in between him and the wall, while Scrappy is stretched out on her side with her back pressed close to Aaron. The bloody dog is even beating Adam with her snoring, although judging by the wet spot he can feel on his back where Adam’s face was pressed, she’s not beating him when it comes to drool.  
  
He can’t bring himself to push her off, but as comfortable as he is, he really does need to piss. So he extracts himself from Adam’s grasp and climbs over the dog as carefully as he can, managing not to disturb either of them. Not that he’s all that worried about waking Adam up - the boy sleeps like the dead after a night of drinking.  
  
He makes his way to the bathroom, then goes through the usual process of mornings after a night drinking with Adam - downs some painkillers, leaves a glass of water and some more painkillers near the bed for Adam. He starts to head back towards the bathroom for a shower, but he realises halfway out of the room that it might not be the best idea to leave a dog in a room with easy access to drugs, so he backtracks to haul an unhappy, reluctant Scrappy off the bed and out of the room with him.  
  
He gets the dog fed and takes a quick shower, then flops down on the couch with his laptop to wait for Adam to wake up. It doesn’t take much time spent restlessly flicking through his usual sites to realise this isn’t really going to do it for distraction, though, so he looks around the room irritably, trying to find something to do. Something to take his mind off his sore head and queasy stomach, something to tamp down the urge to pick over that fight with Robert until it hurts and he’s detailed to himself all of the ways he’s a shitty excuse for a human being.  
  
His eyes light on Scrappy, stretched out on the floor beside him with her head resting on her paws, and he figures he can kill two birds with one stone - Adam isn’t likely to be in any fit state to give her a decent walk, and Aaron needs something to do, so he decides to take her for a quick romp outside.  
  
He hadn’t thought to grab a leash from David’s - wasn’t sure there were leashes there, actually - but he manages to scrounge up some rope they’d used to hold down furniture for transport, figuring that would do for today. She’d only need it on the roads, anyway.  
  
Next up was getting dressed in the running gear he still had - he’d seen Robert’s frown, when he’d found them folded up in their new room, but aside from a sideways glance that Aaron had ignored he hadn’t said anything about it. Probably only because he knew he’d have a fight on his hands if he did, rather than because he acknowledged that Aaron was a goddamn adult who was perfectly capable of owning some damn clothes without crumbling, but Aaron would still take it. Although, honestly, Aaron was a little bit surprised to find them right where he’d left then, rather than quietly binned (or burned, considering Robert’s flair for the dramatic) when he wasn’t looking.  
  
The thought of Robert makes him feel a little bit ill after their spat yesterday, simmering resentment mixing with guilt, but he’s still not sure he actually wants to apologise to the bastard so he just shoves his feet into his trainers, laces them up, and heads out the door with Scrappy right at his heels.  
  
He pointedly avoids his old running track, feeling concerned eyes judging him even though he’s by himself, but he still heads to the woods, figures Scrappy will like foraging through all the undergrowth. They meander along for a little while, Scrappy alternating between bounding blissfully ahead of him and intently investigating various trees and bushes, but it quickly becomes stifling, walking quietly along surrounded by forest and his own thoughts.  
  
“C’mon, Scrapper,” he calls out, clicking his tongue and speeding up to a jog. Scrappy springs into action from where she’d been sniffing at the ground, all boundless energy and zero grace, bolting ahead of him at an excited run. He finds himself speeding up to catch up to her, that big doggy grin and her excitement at the speed lifting his spirits and making him smile, and he ends up in a full blown run.  
  
It feels just as good as it always has, all of his focus on putting one foot in front of the other and his breathing, no room for thoughts of guilt or anger or resentment or jealousy. Just his heartbeat in his ears and Scrappy barreling on ahead of him.  
  
He takes them on what he considered a reasonably short route, but by the time they’re heading back Scrappy is starting to lag behind him, tongue hanging out and white froth around her mouth. He slows them down to a slow walk, out of breath himself, and smacks his hand affectionately against her shoulder when she catches up to him.  
  
“Some guard dog you, eh?” he gasps. “Tuckered out after a little run.” He feels a little bit guilty at pushing her so hard, and slightly uneasy at the thought of what the reactions would be to him pushing himself again - but fuck, Scrappy would be fine after a few minutes rest, and going on one decent run isn’t the end of the world. If the gang of self-appointed caregivers that hang around him had their way, he’d spend his days swaddled up in bed, occasionally being allowed to go to the bathroom by himself if he’d been good. He’ll go on a bloody run if he wants.  
  
He still takes it easy the rest of the way home, though, getting his breath back, letting Scrappy take her time. When they get inside Scrappy heads straight for the bowl on the kitchen floor, gulping down water like she hasn’t had anything to drink for a week, and Aaron leaves her to it, drags himself into the bathroom.  
  
He’d only just had a shower before leaving, but his hair is wet with sweat and his shirt is sticking to him, so he’s in dire need of another. He turns the water on just this side of burning and scrubs himself down, makes it quick and rough and comes out of the shower dripping with pink, raw skin.  
  
He does have to admit to himself that his motivation for the thorough scrub and the hot water was less about cleanliness and more about distraction from the fact he was going to have to confront Robert soon, but honestly everything in life was a trade off. If a bit of pink skin was what it took to take the edge off his anxiety, well, there were a lot of worse things he could be doing, and it’s not like anybody else is going to know.  
  
He gets back into his hangover-clothes (an old, soft shirt that’s too big for him and his oldest set of joggers) and then throws himself back onto the couch, knowing he needs to talk to Robert but stuck on what to say. He toys with his phone, starts and then deletes what feels like hundreds of texts.  
  
“ _I_ _’m sorry,””I love you,” “where’s my fucking apology”_ \- he doesn’t know what to lead with, what to leave out, whether he wants Robert to know how angry he is or how goddamn sorry he is. In the end he decides, fuck it, and calls him, sick of his brain running around in circles. Maybe being put on the spot will force him to say what he needs to.  
  
The whole time the phone is ringing Aaron is on the verge of hanging up, nerves heavy in his stomach, and he half hopes Robert doesn’t pick up, gives him an out. I _tried_ to call you, it’s not my fault you didn’t answer. He loses the opportunity to bail when the ringing cuts out and Robert’s voice comes out clear from the phone.  
  
“Aaron.” He sounds standoffish, and Aaron can practically see the expression he’s wearing on his face, that stony mask of righteous hurt he uses as a front to deny any feelings of guilt. Not that he’s faking the hurt, Aaron knows he hurt him, knows that he feels it, but he’s so, so good at taking that and using it as a tool, using it to situate himself as the absolute hero of the narrative.  
  
He launches straight into it, doesn’t bother with a greeting. Robert knows what he’s calling about.

“Robert, look, I’m sorry, alright? I didn’t… of course this is your house. Of course it is. I shouldn’t’ve said that.” He should probably leave it at that, but he can’t help but push it a bit, try again to make Robert look at it his way. “I just - it’s my house too, right, you don’t get to just ban my friends. My _best_ friend.”  
  
“I think I’m entitled to not want the person who made my little sister call me in tears swanning over to _my_ house,” Robert snaps back, and Aaron has to bite his tongue at that dig. He deserved that, he can take that. He’s not so happy to take Robert’s seemingly purposeful ignorance of his point, though.  
  
“I’m not fucking saying you can’t be angry at him, Robert, okay, you know that’s not what I’m saying. I’m not saying you have to be happy he’s coming over. I’m saying that you can’t just- fucking- _tell me_ he’s not allowed to. You have to fucking _talk to me_ , Robert, we’re meant to be partners, aren’t we? That’s what husbands are meant to be. So if you have a problem with him, tell me, we can talk about it, but don’t just tell me how it’s going to be and expect me to say ‘yes sir’.”  
  
“What, and you’d just say ‘sure, Robert, he’s got plenty of places to go, I’ll tell him to go somewhere else’?” he asks scornfully, and Aaron has to turn away from the phone so that he doesn’t huff into Robert’s ear. He digs his knuckle into the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes tight, then swings his arm forcefully down and looks up to the ceiling in search of strength.  
  
“I would at least _listen_ to you, Robert. I mean, no, I’m not going to turn him away because he’s had a tiff with your sister - people fight, I’m not going to cut someone out over one fight. But I mean - I’d still listen to you, and if it really wasn’t going to work, if Vic was gonna come over here or something, or if he’d gone over the line somehow, then we could compromise. I don’t know. Just… just _talk to me_. I don’t know how it would go unless you talk to me.” Robert is silent for a long moment - a good sign, if he’s actually thinking about it - and then sighs.  
  
“I’m still not happy about him being there,” he says grumpily, and Aaron takes that for the conceit it is, slumps back into the couch in relief.  
  
“Okay, well, we can talk about it. I’m not… I don’t want to kick him out.” He can’t help saying that, can’t help but balk at the idea of ever turning Adam away, but now really isn’t the time so he rushes past it. “But we can talk about it. As long as we’re good. Right?”  
  
“…yeah. Yeah, alright, we’ll talk about it later. I’m probably going to stay with Vic another night at least but… we can have a few drinks after dinner? At the Woolpack? Alone. Obviously.” Aaron smiles, eagerly taking the tentative olive branch.

“Yeah, sounds good.” It does, and it feels good, the weight of their fight easing off his shoulders, but. “Robert, just… I really am sorry. I didn’t mean it, you know.”  
  
“I know.” He says it with intent, with that layer of meaning and affection, and that soothes most of the rest of Aaron’s guilt, makes him feel light and more relaxed than he’s felt all day. There’s a pause, and then, “I love you,” and Aaron closes his eyes and lets his head roll back against the couch, luxuriates in that feeling he still gets when Robert says that.  
  
“I love you too,” he replies, loves being free to say it almost as much as he loves hearing it, and they sit there in silence for another long moment, just listening to the faint sounds of each other breathing through the phone.  
  
“I’ll text you,” Robert says finally, breaking the silence, and waits for Aaron’s hum of confirmation before hanging up.  
  
He feels so much better, after their conversation, at Robert’s implied backing down on banishing Adam from the village, at Robert accepting his apology, and it’s easy, suddenly, to stretch out on the couch and idly mess around on the computer that refused to hold his attention this morning until Adam manages to rouse himself.


	6. Chapter 6

It’s getting on in the day by the time Adam stumbles into the living room, eyes half open, and flops down onto the couch, slumping into Aaron and resting his head on Aaron’s shoulder.

“I’m dying,” he whimpers, and Aaron wrinkles his nose, lip raising in distaste as he turns his head away.

“God, Adam, get your morning breath away from me,” he groans, and he can’t see Adam’s face right now but he knows for a fact that he’s pouting at him.

“I’m dying and my best mate won’t even give me a cuddle,” he whines, pushing himself further into Aaron and making them both list to the side. His face is right up by Aaron’s, and he can feel each puff of air hot on his neck and jaw in a way that makes his skin prickle, despite Adam’s less than appealing state at the moment. “You’re going to feel bad about this when I’m gone, Aaron. This is your last chance to get a perfect Adam cuddle and you’re giving it up just because your dying friend has a little bit of morning breath. I’m _dying_ ,” he adds, apparently not convinced he’d emphasised the ‘seriousness’ of the situation enough.

Aaron just sighs and rolls his eyes, well used to Adam’s melodrama.

“I never said you couldn’t get a cuddle, you muppet, I said get your morning breath out of my face. Go brush your teeth.” Adam seems to deem that an unsatisfactory solution, instead opting to twist his head around and bury his face in Aaron’s neck.

“No more morning breath,” he announces, voice muffled, and throws an arm across Aaron’s body and over his shoulder, his other hand coming up to twist in Aaron’s shirt. Adam turns into a limpet when he’s feeling ill, so Aaron knows he’ll be hard pressed to peel him off and just sighs loudly and pointedly to make Adam aware of how ridiculous he is. He adjusts the laptop on his lap from where Adam has jostled it to hang precariously off his leg, then wraps his right arm around Adam’s waist and lets him lie there and feel sorry for himself for a bit.

Adam is warm against him, even breaths hot against his skin, and Aaron gets that usual combination of comfort and satisfaction at being close to someone he cares about, quickly followed by that small guilty voice in his head that says maybe he’s enjoying it too much.

That voice has had a bit of a resurgence lately, along with that maddeningly hopeful part of him that agonised over dissecting every little interaction him and Adam had, desperately trying to force them into a conclusion of Adam having feelings back. It was frustrating, dealing with this again, when he’d nearly managed to shut both of them up completely, after coming back to Emmerdale, convinced himself and them that it was never going to happen, that he didn’t want it any more anyway.

Well – that wasn’t quite true. He wasn’t that good at lying to himself, that he could make himself believe that he didn’t want it at all. But he didn’t ache for it the way he used to, didn’t feel sick at the thought that they’d never have anything beyond friendship, didn't lie in bed and think about him and feel guilty about it the next morning.

Now, though... Now he knows that Adam wants him, on some level, on a physical level – is willing to experiment, at least – the voices are back with a vengeance. He's well practised at not paying them any attention, and he's had them safely pushed down into denial, along with thoughts of Adam's confessions last night – his fight with Robert had done a good job at keeping them quiet, had been much more pressing than thoughts that had been filling his head since he was a teenager. Now that that's settled, though, now that Adam is pressed into him, it's harder to ignore.

And really, he's not an idiot. He knows that Adam trusts him enough to explore with him, to have a thing on the side with, but he also knows that just because their physical relationship might have briefly jumped up a step doesn't mean there's any chance of their romantic relationship doing the same. Adam has made it plenty clear over the years that it's never going to happen. It's just that, fuck, he wants it still, and he knows Adam isn't trying to lead him on, but the things he's doing are making it way too easy for that hopeful voice to speak up, to make connections, to assign meaning to Adam's actions that aren't there.

Adam leaving Vic, professing his love for some unnamed other person, so soon after their night together – it would be so easy to get swept up in the implications of that. Temptingly easy. So easy that he's been studiously avoiding thinking about Adam's confession at all, lest he do something irredeemably stupid. But with Adam curled into him, he can't help but think about it, and honestly, when he does he's not so convinced by Adam's explanation.

In his opinion, this whole thing probably _is_ a reaction to that night. Not in the way Aaron quietly, guiltily wishes it was – God, but he's appalled at his capacity for selfishness and greed sometimes, wanting Adam's affections so badly when he's got Robert, when all that would happen would be at least one of the people he loves getting hurt – but in a way where Adam was trying to deal with the guilt, possibly also trying to deal with realising he wasn't opposed to sleeping with men. He's not entirely sure about that last bit – for all he knows, Adam has had sex with plenty of men before and just never seen fit to mention it – but the guilt, certainly.

All of that, adding to the pressure and worry of starting a family – no wonder he's having a bit of a wobble. He'll come around soon enough. Him and Vic are made for each other, they'll get through this; Adam will realise that just because he fucked up doesn't mean that he doesn't love Vic, that this person he's decided is the reason he can't give Vic what she needs is nothing. Aaron will make sure of it, and in the meantime, Robert is just going to have to fucking deal with having Adam around for a bit.

Internal dilemma settled, he settles the laptop onto the table and pinches Adam in the side, narrowly avoiding Adam's skull cracking against his jaw when Adam jolts and jerks away from him with a wounded glare.

"What the fuck was that for?" he asks in a put upon whine, rubbing his side but not moving out of Aaron's space.

"Bit hard for me to cook with you on my lap, innit," Aaron replies, raising his eyebrows, and Adam perks up, sprawling himself backwards on the couch and settling in.

"Well, don't let me stop you," he says, abruptly his usual cheerful self at the prospect of food, and Aaron rolls his eyes, pushing himself up off the couch. There are a few sarcastic remarks on the tip of his tongue, but Adam is looking fragile under that cheer and Aaron is feeling a mixture of protective and guilty, so he just heads to the kitchen and hunts through the fridge.

It's past one in the afternoon, so he's starving, and he figures Adam can probably stomach some proper food based on his reaction to the idea of Aaron cooking, so he sets about making a good old fashioned fry up. He doesn't usually cook, doesn't really enjoy it, but he's pretty good at it, if he does say so himself – he'd had to fend for himself in France for a good while, after all, and he likes eating enough that he was forced to develop some skills. He's certainly competent enough to make them a decent breakfast – or lunch, rather.

His stomach let's him know exactly how hungry he is when the scent of cooking food starts hitting him, and this is the part he hates the most, having to stand there with food he could technically be putting in his mouth right now waiting for it to be done. He caves and cuts a little bit of bacon off where it's crisp with the spatula, snatching it off the pan and burning his tongue and the pads of his fingers, then scowls defensively when he realises Adam is watching him with a strange look on his face.

"Cook gets to sample," he defends, and Adam blinks, looking slightly surprised.

"Ay?"

"I'm cooking you bloody breakfast, there's no need to sit there judging me."

"I'm not judging you!"

"Well you're sitting there watching me with a weird look on your face, mate, what else would you be doing?" That puts Adam on the defensive for some reason, and he goes slightly red, disappearing behind the back of the couch.

"I fucking wasn't watching you," he grumbles quietly, so that Aaron can barely hear him, and Aaron just shakes his head, grabs himself another bit of bacon while he piles it onto a plate, and chalks it down to Adam being stressed.

"Weirdo," he mutters fondly, and soon he's finally done with the meal, two plates covered in the kind of greasy food that is a requirement after a night of drinking on the table next to two mugs of tea. "Come and get it then, you slave-driver, or have you gone and died over there?"

Adam doesn't bite back, just giving him an unimpressed look as he makes his way over, and he stays withdrawn as they eat, mainly staring blankly at the table. Aaron just leaves him to his thoughts, doesn't mind the silence – it's not like Adam hasn't sat with him through more than his fair share of quiet spells.

The quiet lasts most of the day, and apart from Aaron making sure Adam's alright by himself for a bit while he sees Robert tonight they don't say much. That's not to say it's uncomfortable, though; Adam sticks close, messing about on his phone while Aaron's on the laptop, powering on the Playstation when he gets bored, generally just being quiet and doing his own thing.

He does catch Adam looking at him, every now and again, looking thoughtful and a bit sad, and it makes anxiety prickle down his spine, feels like Adam is looking at him and seeing a mistake that ruined his marriage. He knows that Adam wouldn't do that, wouldn't put the blame on him like that when it was both of them, but that doesn't stop him worrying. It's a nice day overall, though, if not cheerful, just being there and letting Adam have a bit of a self-indulgent wallow in his sadness.

Liv had already let him know she wasn't going to be home today, so when tea time comes around he just chucks together a quick meal for him and Adam - "I must be looking bad, if you're cooking for me twice in one day," is Adam's reaction, which earns him a smack – and then he gets a text from Robert asking him if he wants to meet him at the Woolpack.

"You alright without me for a bit, mate?" he asks before he replies, wanting to make sure he's okay with being left alone still, and Adam just rolls his eyes and gently shoves his shoulder.

"I'm fine Aaron, go spend some time with your dickhead husband," he says, and Aaron shoves him back, giving him a warning glare that's met with the innocent look Adam only manages to pull of when he knows exactly what he's done wrong.

"Okay, well, don't bring Scrappy down too much with your all of your moping around," he snaps back with fake irritation, patting said dog on the head when she looks up at her name, and goes and gets changed into clothes he can go out in public in. Adam waves him off when he leaves, not really looking at him, and Aaron doesn't blame him not being too enthusiastic about Aaron going out to see his spouse when Adam doesn't really have that option at the moment.

 

The walk down to the pub is quick and familiar, but he's not used to the flutter of nerves in his breast at the thought of meeting Robert for what is essentially a date any more, not used to having spent a whole night and day without seeing him. The nerves ease when he steps in and meets Robert's eyes, as he gives Aaron a tentative smile that Aaron returns and raises his pint in greeting. He goes and says a quick hello to Chas first, promises to pass on her well wishes to Adam, then slides into his seat at the table Robert had settled at in the corner. A pint is already sitting on the table for him, and he responds gratefully when Robert leans over the table for a kiss.

"Hey," Robert says as Aaron takes a sip of his pint, but doesn't expound on that, looking a bit lost.

"Hey," Aaron responds, saving him from deciding whether or not to bring up their fight. "How's Vic doing?"

"Alright, considering," Robert says with a shrug. "Angry, a bit upset, you know. It's not something she was expecting, but she'll be fine without him. She'll see that soon." That was very restrained, for Robert, no overt sneering remarks about Adam's shortcomings, so he lets it go without comment, regardless of his disagreement.

"She'll be fine eventually," he agrees, knowing him and Robert are thinking of two totally different reasons for that. "Adam's pretty cut up about it," he can't help but add, and Robert really is on his best behaviour tonight, a small grimace that he tries to hide behind a sip his only reaction.

"Mmm," He hums noncommittally, and Aaron moves on to safer topics, chats about nothing much as Robert hooks a foot around his ankle and they work their way through their drinks. That can't last the whole night, though, and when they're part way through their third drink he makes himself broach the topic that's been in the background of the whole conversation.

"Look, Robert," he starts, looking down and twisting at the ring on his finger. "I think we should let Adam stay with us until he gets back on his feet. I know you don't really want him there," he hurries to add as Robert's face darkens, meeting his gaze and cutting off his protest, "but he's my best mate, and he needs some support right now, and look, you lived with him and Vic for ages, right, and he wasn't best pleased about that arrangement either, but you both got through it. I – he's been there for me through so much, Rob, okay, and I love him like he's family, and it's really important to me to be there for him when he needs me." Robert has that mulish look on his face, but he's not trying to throw around ultimatums, so he keeps going, is desperate for Robert to – not be happy with this, necessarily, but to accept it, at least, to acknowledge that this is something important to _him_. " I don't want you to be miserable, you know I don't, but I'll make sure he keeps out of your way, and I'm sure he'll give us some space, and it won't be forever."

"You've done loads for him, Aaron, it's not like you owe him anything," he mutters in response, glaring at the table because he knows that's a weak argument, and Aaron sighs in exasperation.

"It's not about _owing_ him anything, Robert, it's about me _wanting_ to help him out." Robert stays quiet for a moment, scowling into his glass, and then gives in.

"Alright, fine, he can stay for a while. A _while_ , and he better not be a pain in the ass," he says reluctantly, and Aaron beams at him, grateful that he didn't put up more of a fight, and leans over to reward him with a kiss. Robert's large hand curls around his neck, keeping him close, and their kiss verges on the edge of not appropriate for public before Aaron manages to drag himself away and give Robert a scolding look he doesn't really mean.

"Remember we're in my mother's pub, Robert," he warns, and Robert just gives him a wicked smile before draining his glass and thumping it down on the table.

"You'll have to show your gratitude tomorrow when I get back, then," he smirks, gaze raking down Aaron's body, and it still makes his face pink, being so overt in public, so he kicks Robert's shin under the table.

"My gratitude is very quickly disappearing," he warns, leaning over one more time to press a – _chaste_ _–_ kiss against his mouth, pulling away before Robert has a chance to deepen it and pushing his chair out. "Time to get back, I think. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" Robert nods, looking a little bit disappointed, but Aaron doesn't give in to his hopeful look, just gives his mum a wave that she happily returns and makes his way back home.

 

Adam tries not too look too happy, when Aaron gets back, but he knows that Adam probably wasn't enjoying being on his own very much so he pulls him in for a happily reciprocated hug, Adam's face tucked into his shoulder as Aaron rocks them both from side to side for a few moments before Adam pulls himself away.

"Alright?" Aaron asks, and Adam nods.

"Yeah, mate, fine. How was your date?" He asks with a teasing lilt in his voice, and Aaron just gives him a deadpan look.

"Good. I got him to let you stay with us for a bit, but I'm already starting to regret it." Adam ignores his dig, a relieved looking smile on his face.

"Cheers, mate, I owe you one. He's alright, though? If it's gonna cause problems with you and him I can find somewhere else."

"Don't be daft, Adam, you know you've always got a place with me." Adam just nods, giving him another weird look – a different one, this time, a happier one, but still one that he's never really seen directed at him, so Aaron pushes past him and falls onto the couch, ruffling Scrappy's ears when she comes over to rest her head in his lap. Adam joins him, close to him rather than on the other side of the couch, and Aaron welcomes the closeness, relaxes into the couch and feels warm and content.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about how long it took to get these last two chapters out - I'd like to say I had a good reason, but the reality is that I got my hands on Horizon Zero Dawn and that's been taking up all of my spare time.

He actually manages to sleep in his own bed that night, Adam having retreated to the guest room early, although it's disconcerting how strange it feels falling asleep by himself and waking up without the warmth of another person beside him.  
  
There's work to do today, so he forces himself out of bed earlier than he'd like, and Adam's already in the kitchen when he gets there. The extra mug of tea on the counter is still hot when Aaron gratefully wraps him hands around it, and he takes a sip, leaning against the counter next to Adam.

"Mornin'," Adam murmurs, looking only half awake – he's gotten soft, having been gone from the farm and it's early starts for so long, and now he deals with the mornings almost as badly as Aaron does. Almost; Aaron only manages a grunt of recognition.

They get ready quietly, conversation limited to a quiet "cheers" when Aaron lends Adam a towel and some spare clothes, until they're shuffling out the door.

"We should take separate cars," Adam says, jingling his keys, and expands on that at Aaron's questioning look. "Me and Vic are due a proper talk after work. I need to... Come clean, I guess. Not about – I'm not gonna get you in the shit, don't worry. She just deserves to know why it's not gonna work out. Uh, you reckon you could get Robert to give us some space after work?"

"Yeah, I'll let him know to steer clear. Just... Are you sure about this, Adam?" He's really asking Adam to stop, to think about it, not to throw in the towel and risk losing Vic permanently – to take a break, maybe, before ending it all together, to give himself some time to come to his senses. He knows Adam hears all of that, in his question, but all he does is meet Aaron's eyes with a solemn, steady gaze and nod.

"I'm sure. This – It's been coming for a long time. I should have realised it a lot earlier, maybe then things would have turned out different but... well. We don't always get what we want, I guess." He has to bite his lip, terrified that Adam is making a massive mistake; but it's Adam's life, and all Aaron can – and should – do is offer Adam his opinion and then support him in whatever he chooses. He feels abrupt sympathy for Chas and Paddys' maddening habit of sticking their oars in – part of him wants to drag Adam all the way to Vic, push him to his knees, and make him beg her to take him back. What he actually does, though, is nod back, hold Adam's gaze for a beat and try and make sure that Adam knows he'll be there for him, whatever happens.

Most of the day goes by as normal, the usual workday slog working beside Adam. During lunch he manages to convince Robert to give Vic and Adam some space with surprisingly little fuss – probably convinced Vic will be free of Adam, after tonight – and Liv lets him know she's going to be home for dinner, although she reserves the right to scarper if Adam and Robert clash too badly. Not her exact words, of course; she's got a foul mouth on her, his sister. Then, all too soon, the workday is over, and Aaron has to back off and let Adam go and sign the death warrant for his relationship.

He is looking forward to having Robert back in their house, though, seeing him again. He gets home first, giving him an unfortunate amount of time to fret about Adam, but then the lock clicks, Robert steps through, and he can push that to one side. He steps forward eagerly, claims a kiss before letting Robert in properly.

"How was your day?"

Robert hums non-committally and shrugs, dropping his bag against the counter before pulling Aaron to him, hands low on Aaron's hips.

"Better now," he says easily, eyes sliding down Aaron's face and resting on his mouth for a brief moment before he leans in, pressing their bodies together and kissing him. He starts as he means to go on, kisses deep and dirty right from the start, hands slipping around to shamelessly grab at Aaron's ass and pull their crotches together.

"Mmnn – Robert," Aaron protests breathlessly when he gathers enough willpower to pull away from his mouth, though not enough to actually pull away from his embrace. "We've not even said hello properly yet."

"Time enough for that later," Robert replies, unfazed, leaning down and kissing him again, and Aaron decides, fuck it, they've always been best at this. Why not enjoy some alone time with his husband while he has the chance.

***

He doesn't rush to get up, when they're done, curls into Robert and rests his head on his chest, dozes to the sound of his heartbeat and the rhythm of his breathing. It's good to have him back, helps him ground himself in his decisions, in his relationships. He does keep an ear out for his phone, or the sound of Adam's car in the driveway, but mainly he just rests and enjoys being close to someone who loves him, who he loves.

Eventually Robert's hands start roaming again, trying to coax him into another round, so he rolls his eyes and sits up, swatting Robert's hands away and smacking him on the chest.

"Liv or Adam'll be here soon, Robert, leave it."

"We've got a while yet," he wheedles, stretching out shamelessly on the bed and giving Aaron a heated look as Aaron pulls his pants on, but deflates as they hear the rumble of a car pulling in to their driveway. _Or not_ , says Aaron's pointed look, and he manages to get himself presentable by the time Adam knocks on the door, opening it and letting Adam in a few seconds after he knocks. Adam could have just walked in – he's had a key since him and Robert had – but he was probably wary that he was going to walk in on the exact thing Robert had just been trying to make happen. A good habit to get into, considering Robert's inability to keep his hands to himself.

"How'd it go?" Aaron asks cautiously, trying to read the answer in Adam's face. He looks shattered, and like he's been crying, but also resolute, like he's done something exceedingly unpleasant that nevertheless had to be done. He rubs a hand over his face and shrugs one shoulder, walking over to the couch with Aaron following right behind.

"As good as it could have, I guess," he says quietly, collapsing onto the couch and leaning in when Aaron settles next to him and throws an arm over his shoulder. "She was upset, of course, but we talked and... I think she understands. She's not happy, obviously, but... I don't know, she can move on now, I guess, and be with someone who can... Give her what I can't. And I know it's what everyone says but I really – I do hope we can be friends, still. She's always going to be important to me." There's a small scoff from the doorway, causing Adam to go taut against him, and Aaron twists his head around to give Robert a furious glare. _Not the time,_ he tells Robert with his scowl, and Robert rolls his eyes, grabbing his bag and then pausing in front of the door.

"I'm going back over to Vic's," he says, voice pointedly measured. "I'll probably be there for the night, but I'll be back home tomorrow." He strides out the door without waiting for a reply, obviously annoyed, and Aaron just rolls his eyes, resting his chin on Adam's head, dark curls soft against his jaw.

"Just ignore him, Adam, you know how he gets about Vic," he says, and Adam sighs, tension disappearing as he goes slack against Aaron.

"Guess he's got a reason to be pissed, doesn't he," he mutters guiltily, and Aaron just squeezes him tight.

"You're not a bad person for this, Adam," he says quietly, finds it so important for Adam to know that. He's one of the best people Aaron knows, has always been a source of light and conscience, and yeah he's fucked up some, since they were teenagers, but at his core he's a genuinely good person and Aaron is blessed to have him. Adam nods, and Aaron knows he doesn't believe it, not really, but he lets it go. He'll keep telling Adam until he believes it himself.

***

Liv does turn up for dinner that night, appearing a little bit disappointed that Robert isn't there – Aaron would take that as a positive sign, proof that her and Robert were really starting to bond, but he has a feeling she was looking forward more to the possibility of shit-stirring between Adam and Robert than she was to Robert's company. She takes pity on Adam that night, though, chats to Aaron instead, obviously doesn't have the heart to kick him while he's down. And he certainly is down, quiet and withdrawn, lacking that brightness that usually spills out of him. Even Robert holds back the next night, when he's finally home, restrains himself to the occasional unimpressed look or passive aggressive comment and largely pretends Adam isn't there.

Over the next few weeks, things settle into a rhythm, and Aaron feels an immense amount of sympathy for Victoria, putting up with these two for so long. He feels like a bloody chew toy being fought over by two pit bulls. Adam is clingy and affectionate, always by his side and in his space, from breakfast through work and then the rest of the afternoon at home. And really, Aaron doesn't have a problem with that; with anyone else, he'd feel smothered and overwhelmed by the constant attention, but Adam has always been the exception, always known where Aaron's limit for interaction is – whether he's open to talk or whether he'd just prefer to sit in silence, whether Aaron is okay with being touched or whether he'd prefer a bit of space. The problem is that it leaves no room for Robert, and Robert is not happy with that, but he's also not willing to sit on Aaron's other side and be close to Adam, while Adam isn't willing to give up Aaron's attention and let him and Robert spend a bit of time together of his own accord.

It's a situation where he really has no experience to fall back on, having two people vying for his attention. Really, there're three people wanting his attention every day, but Liv is happy to spend time with him and Adam or him and Robert, will butt into conversations or plonk herself down next to him while he's sitting next to either of them, and it feels good, her feeling confident enough to do that. It shows that he must be doing _something_ right with her, at least, if she's confident enough in his affection to invite herself into his conversations, to make room for herself in his attentions. Because he knows that she's not like that naturally, that she's standoffish and quiet when she's unsure of himself, and the fact that she knows she's important to him, is sure enough to assert herself – it's everything he's wanted since reconnecting with her again, her knowing how much he fucking loves her.

It takes a few weeks of Adam being constantly around, but her and him have started to bond properly, and that's another thing he loves, one of the few good things about Adam's relationship break down. It's not that they've ever been antagonistic towards each other; he knows Adam has always made an effort around her, and Liv certainly responded to him better than she did to Robert at the beginning, but now they're starting to act like proper family – which, as two of the people Aaron loves most, they basically are as far as he's concerned. Adam is starting to treat her like a little sister, playing around like he did with Hannah, teasing her and slinging his arm around her shoulders and ruffling her hair. Liv's growing comfort with him is obvious in the way that she lets him with nothing but a roll of her eyes and a badly suppressed smile, the way her snark and insults are delivered with a cheeky grin rather than a deadpan stare.

Aaron loves it, is greedily pleased by the warmth and affection around him, even with Adam obviously still struggling with his break up – but Robert isn't very happy at the moment. And Aaron feels awful for that, because he knows a lot of it is his fault; Robert and Adam are never going to love sharing a house, are both going to make passive aggressive comments to and about each other and butt heads over ridiculous things, but it doesn't have to be as tense as it is right now. It's just so easy, to get caught up in Adam's automatic, physical affection, especially now that they spend almost all of their time around each other. They get inside already in the middle of a conversation, and it's natural to fall into a seat next to Adam and keep it going after kissing Robert hello – it slots easily into him and Robert's usual rhythm of quietly sharing space without being all over each other.

And it's not fair on Robert, he knows it's not, but he is finding himself keeping his affection with Robert to a minimum when Adam is in the room, because he can't stand the way Adam's face goes soft and sad, the way he averts his gaze. It must be hard, being around a couple with the wounds of a failed relationship so fresh, must make him jealous and remind him of what he doesn't have any more, and Aaron finds it so difficult, to balance them, because he knows that by trying not to hurt Adam he's hurting Robert.

He tries to make it up to him in private, plies him with kisses and soft words on the occasions when Adam is out of the room and Liv is at Gabby's, works hard to make him feel good and important at night when they're in their own room and the house is quiet around them. Robert is getting sick of it, though, he can tell. He still spends a lot of time at Vic's, probably just as much to get away from Adam as it is to help out Victoria right now. When he's at home he'll be on the couch on his own with his jaw tight and his fingers drumming against the fabric, will snap and sneer at anything Adam says, has started irritating alpha male displays when it's just them and Adam in the room, doing his best to turn their kisses inappropriate for company and then staring pointedly at Adam as if to say he might be your friend, but he's _mine_. It leaves Adam red and glaring daggers at the TV and Aaron red faced and uncomfortable.

It's fucking annoying and over the top, but it does seem to make Adam realise that Aaron is having a bit of a hard time juggling the two of them – or maybe he just starts coming out of his funk, starts recovering from his loss of Vic and is ready to go on the rebound. Whatever it is, one night he decides he's going to go on the town by himself, claps Aaron on the shoulder and tells him to take the chance to "stroke your husband's ego" with an exaggerated grimace, and him and Robert have the house to themselves for the rest of the night.

Aaron somehow manages to miss Adam, spending one night without him hanging around, but Robert is happy and affectionate and it's worth it to have him this happy again, smiley and physical. Liv has been just as likely to be at Gabby's as she is to be at home lately (still hasn't mentioned anything about her and Gabby being more than friends, although with the way they are with each other, always close and sharing doe eyed looks, Aaron is starting to wonder if she'd simply forgotten to tell them, because they're not being subtle) and that night she's not home, something that they take full advantage of. Aaron does manage to convince a reluctant Robert to move to their room before trousers come (completely) off – _we are not having sex on a couch my sister sits on, Robert, don't be disgusting –_ but they come back out when they're done, stretch out on the couch half dressed – _yes, Robert, you have to wear something, Liv has keys and I don't need you traumatising her –_ and enjoy spending some time together.

***

Things settle much more easily after that, with Adam going out a couple of nights a week – Aaron assumes on the pull, considering sometimes the next time he sees him is when he turns up at work the next day in the same clothes he was wearing when he left. Robert is much happier with the extra time with Aaron, and they still don't get on but they're not at each others throats either. It's a much calmer house.

His brain never lets him rest, though, always finds ways to ruin everything. He finds himself wide awake one night, images from his nightmare burned into his brain – Paddy was a step to the side, or Robert's finger squeezed while the shake of his hand had the barrel pointing a centimetre further to the left, and Aaron was watching hopelessly as Paddy crumpled, crimson blooming in the fabric on his chest instead of his arm, knowing that he's going to have to spend the rest of his life with the guilt of being responsible for this on his conscience.

He's.. He's not forgiven it, exactly, but he's moved past it, they've moved past it, and he knows it was Robert at his breaking point and out of his depth, but he just can't stand to be pressed up against him at the moment, his presence making his wrists burn with the memory of makeshift restraints and the taste of phantom blood fill his mouth. So he pads to the living room and slumps onto the couch, turns the TV on quietly, and resigns himself to a sleepless night.

He's cuddled into his dressing robe hours later, fabric of his sleeves pulled over his hand and balled up in his fingers, teeth worrying at his lip, when the door clicks open and Adam stumbles through it. The baffled expression on his face as he squints at the flickering screen manages to pull the corners of Aaron's lips up even through the fog of unease and exhaustion, and he curls in gratefully when Adam realises what's going on, managing to make his way over and fall half on him, half on the couch, arms wrapping around Aaron's shoulders.

"What're you doin' up, mate?" he asks, confused concern evident in his voice, and Aaron shrugs, pressing his forehead into Adam's shoulder.

"Couldn't sleep," he replies, and Adam hums in concern.

"Nightmare?"

"Yeah."

Adam doesn't say anything after that, doesn't push for more information. He just shuffles clumsily around until they're both facing the TV and sits with him in silence, occasionally rubbing his hand up Aaron's arm. It's exactly what he needs, warm and reassuring, and it's not enough for him to fall asleep but it is soothing.

He can't help but notice that Adam doesn't smell like perfume, doesn't smell like he's been in bed with a girl – he smells decidedly masculine, like aftershave and deodorant, but – he swears that under Adam's usual scents he can smell aftershave that Adam has never worn, that isn't his style. There are a lot of reasons that might be true, if that is what he can smell – he's been out in town, probably pressed up against lots of people, been in crowds, of course he picked up some other scents. But he's looking pretty rumpled, could definitely have gotten laid, and it really really isn't any of Aaron's business but he can't help but wonder whether Adam has been... experimenting.

He hates how he can't help but think about it, wonder what he's been doing, who he's been doing it with, how much he likes it. He's right back in his teenage mind, thinking about it, brief flashes of wondering what it looks like that he quickly smothers with guilt. At the very least, it wipes away memories and imaginings of blood and loss from his mind, gives him something else to focus on, and he does, sits there and alternates between wondering and aggressively trying not to wonder.

Adam is quiet and still for so long that Aaron thinks he's fallen asleep, so Adam abruptly pushing himself upright and twisting around to face him nearly gives him a heart attack.

"Fucking hell, Adam," he gasps, barely remembering to keep his voice down, and Adam ignores him, staring intently at him like he's got something incredibly important to say.

"Aaron," he says solemnly, with drunken guilelessness. "Aaron, you know I... I fucking, you know I really – I really don't like Robert. He's a wanker, and he's not – he's punching well above his weight, right, with you, and he doesn't bloody deserve it, doesn't deserve you or, or Vic. And if he buggered off and I never saw him again I would – it would be good riddance. But!" he cuts off, finally seeing Aaron's growing incredulous offense, and raises his hands defensively. "But, but I – if he makes you happy then I'm really fucking glad you have him, Aaron. Yeah? Just... If he makes you feel good and you love him, then I'm glad you have him, and I'd... I'd never do anything to fuck that up on purpose. You know that, right? I'd never ruin something that made you happy even though I don't... I don't really get it." Aaron is smiling now, genuinely touched, and he nods, pulls Adam in for a hug.

"Yeah, mate, I know you wouldn't," he says, giving him a thump on the back and letting him go. He is touched that Adam seems to have been worrying about this, but he can't help but feel slightly uneasy about the timing – of him telling Aaron this when Aaron is on the couch instead of in bed in part because he's scared of the man currently in it. Well, not scared, not now, but haunted by memories of being terrified and hurt, unable to shake them. He almost blurts it out to Adam, almost betrays Robert by telling Adam about what he'd done, about how he can't help but think about it sometimes, can't help but wonder if Robert will ever snap like that again.

What he actually does, though, is coax Adam into his own bed, then go and curl up on the couch again and settle in for the few more hours until sunrise.


	8. Chapter 8

His paranoia and bad memories ease, as they always do, leave him with a few sleepless nights and irritable days, and then let him see the Robert that he married. They betray his underlying thoughts, though, twist themselves into dramatic worst-case-scenarios of the things he worries about, and pretend to be prophetic.

It's always that night at the lodge, as a starting point. The physical location varies night to night, is just as likely to be a featureless hotel room as it is to be the lodge, or their house, their room, the guestroom - Adam's room. But Robert is still there, wild eyed and shaking, gun held in a trembling hand, flickering between Chrissie's Robert with longer blonde hair and Aaron's Robert, hair up off his face. Aaron is still on the floor, made immobile, sometimes with makeshift restraints, sometimes with cold metal cuffs, sometimes with only the immutable dream logic that tells him he can't move, mustn't move. And always with that bone deep, terrifying knowledge that this is Aaron's fault, as much as it is Robert's. That he knows, has known, what lengths Robert will go to when betrayed, and then he went and did it anyway.

It's not Paddy that suffers for it, though, after the first night. It's Adam, folding to the floor in the doorway, crimson staining his chest, and it's somehow worse that he doesn't make a sound, that he doesn't look at Aaron like it's his fault. He just looks hurt, confused, look to Aaron for him to make it better and all Aaron can do is sit there and stare.

Robert is never that same night to night, true self as difficult to grasp as in reality. Sometimes it's a deliberate act, sneering, purposefully aiming and firing. Sometimes it's closer to the actual event, a reflexive pull of the trigger. Either way, the result is the same. Either way, he turns to Aaron, like Adam is, the expression on his face saying; "this is your fault as much as mine. How could you do this to us?".

He knows it's ridiculous. He knows Robert wouldn't do that, now, isn't backed up in a corner, that he would be angry, would lash out, if he knew what Aaron and Adam had done, but not like that. He's come so far since then, and the circumstances are so different; it's just his mind, conflating his unease with Robert borne of his own mistake with his worry for Adam and throwing them together into his usual nightmares. So he doesn't let it ruin things, and relishes the absence when they fade, when they let him take comfort in Robert's touch again. Let him finally enjoy the eased atmosphere.

Adam keeps up with his nights out, in fact starts to ramp them up. Aaron was... He wasn't worried, necessarily, but getting there, starting to get uneasy about how frequently Adam had started spending the whole night out, turning up to work late and obviously hung over. If Adam is experimenting, or even if he's just out there making the most of being single – he'd never deny him that, never say he shouldn't. But the drinking, the neglect of his responsibilities; if that went on too much longer, or got any worse, that would worry him. He doesn't want to have to watch Adam start to spiral, especially knowing that in some ways it's his fault.

It works itself out, though, and Adam seems to settle down after a few weeks. He doesn't stop going out, doesn't go out less even, but Aaron wakes up to him back at home in the morning more often than not, and those days where Adam is out the whole night he turns up to work on time, smelling faintly of perfume or aftershave instead of stale alcohol. He's not quite as clingy, either, actually gives Aaron enough space for them both to work on different things again. He doesn't even insist on coming along when Aaron decides to head down and pick up some hot lunch – he does, of course, give Aaron a beaming smile with the clear expectation that that will earn him something brought back. The most annoying thing about it being both of them knowing that Aaron absolutely is going to get him something, because Aaron is a sap.

It's just a small trip to the café, a trip he's made hundreds of times before, but it quickly turns awkward when he – quite literally – bumps into Victoria. She's half-turned from the door, talking to Rebecca, and seems to be reaching for the handle when Aaron walks through and into her, grabbing onto her upper-arm on instinct to stop her toppling over and staggering a bit himself.

"Oh! Sorry!" Vic squeaks, turning to him, and getting a bit flustered when she sees who she's bumped into. "Oh. Um, hey, Aaron."

"Hey," Aaron says, flustered himself, finding it hard to look her in the eye. He loves Vic, but it's the first time he's seen properly seen her since her and Adam broke up, and he's just not sure what to say. "How, uh, how're you doing?" He asks, clearing his throat uncomfortably. She shrugs, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and looking at his feet, and doesn't get a chance to respond before Rebecca clears her throat.

"Well, I'll leave you two alone, shall I? Nice to see you, Vic," She says, giving the woman in question a bright smile, and nods at Aaron as she sidles past and out the door, smile smaller but still warm. "Aaron." He nods back, hand rising in a brief wave as he steps to the side and out of the doorway, and then him and Vic are left relatively alone.

"I'm alright," Vic says, smiling but a little bit awkward, and he nods, tries a smile and hopes he kind of succeeds.

"That's good." He wants to let her know that he might be on Adam's side, automatically, but that it doesn't mean he's not on hers, too - that he loves both of them. But he's not good at emotional situations, doesn't know what to say, how to phrase it.

"Yeah. It's... Well, it sucks a lot, actually. For all of us, I guess, that he didn't realise sooner. I was actually – I mean, I kind of always knew, you know? That there was more than friendship there. I guess I just assumed that y- that he'd already tried and it hadn't worked out." She shakes her head, face going red, and steps to the side. "Anyway, it's good to see you, Aaron. I'm not – I'm not holding it against either of you, it's just, it's still a bit raw right now, so um, I'll see you around, okay?"

"Yeah, I'll see you. Just... I'm sorry, Vic. I know he didn't want to hurt you."

She smiles at him, sad but genuine. "I know. You don't have to be sorry, Aaron." She slips out the door then, leaving him awkward in the front of the café, knowing that the few people scattered around are curious but used to ignoring the usual Emmerdale gossip. He still makes his stay in the store as short as possible, though, powers through Bob's relentless chatter and is back at the scrapyard with two hot pies as soon as he can be.

"Cheers, lad," Adam says when he walks into the porta cabin, holding his hands out, and Aaron rolls his eyes, handing him one of the pies before settling into his own chair and starting in on his. He hesitates for a bit, unsure of whether he should tell Adam about seeing Vic, but eventually figures he can't exactly pretend she doesn't exist.

"So, I bumped into Vic," He says cautiously, licking sauce off his finger, and Adam looks up at him, mouth full of pastry and mince.

"Mmm?" He swallows quickly and wipes his mouth. "How was she?"

"Alright. Not too keen to talk, really, but yeah, she seemed alright."

"I hope so. She's not... She didn't seem angry? At you?" Well, that wasn't exactly where Aaron thought he should be the most concerned about.

"Uh, no? Why, should she be?" A jolt of guilt, then, and he realises why she might be. "I thought... I thought you didn't tell her... About...?"

"No! No, mate, I didn't. I swear. It's just, you know, she, I thought she might be upset that you... Took my side, I guess." He's not convinced that was all Adam was worried about, but he lets it go. He's sure Adam wouldn't do that to him; he's sure if he had, Aaron would have found out via Robert.

"No, I mean, it was a bit... Awkward, but she seemed fine with me." Adam looks relieved, nodding and going back to his pie.

"S'good," he says through his mouthful, and Aaron knows he should be disgusted but it's not like he's the tidiest eater in the world, so he just nods in agreement and finishes off his own lunch.

***

He feels slightly uneasy the rest of the day, but it's not until he feels a sharp pang of guilt at being given a fond look by Robert that he realises it's guilt he's feeling, has been feeling since he saw Vic in the café. It's not like this is the first time he's felt guilt, about what him and Adam did; he feels twinges every time Robert seems disappointed by him and Adam spending time together, every time he thinks about what Adam might be doing on his nights out. It's just that it feels more real, all of a sudden, what him and Adam had done, what a betrayal it was. It had been so easy, after it happened, to file it away as a one off that nobody had to know about, because it was _Adam_. It felt so natural, at the time. But the more time passes, the worse he feels, and seeing Vic, seeing how upset she still was, it brought it all home.

It makes him wonder, how Robert dealt with it, how he managed to look Chrissie in the eye and play the caring husband knowing he was betraying their relationship and eventual vows so often. Aaron has only strayed once, and he's feeling awful.

The worst part is, if he was given the choice, he can't say with complete honesty that he'd do it any different. He's unwilling to give up the memories of that night, even though he feels too guilty to look back on them, peeks at them and then jolts back and holds them away from himself. If he was taken back to that night, sat on the couch with the full knowledge of what would happen if he let it, he doesn't think he could deny himself the knowledge of what Adam tastes like, what he feels like, what it's like to have Adam gasping into his mouth as he cums. So he just... Doesn't think about it. Does what he always does, when he's feeling guilty but can't come clean without hurting someone else, pushes it down and pretends everything is fine.

And it is, mainly. Adam and Robert still squabble and get on his nerves, but Robert has eased up on his possessive grip, is spending time with Vic and Diane but without it being an obviously passive-aggressive reaction to Adam's presence. It's nice – not that Robert is gone, but that him and Adam are both making it easier for Aaron to divide his time, that both of them take some time out of their own accord and let him be alone with the other, or let him and Liv spend time together with just one of them. He doesn't get much alone time, any more, but he finds that he doesn't miss it much, takes the opportunities when none of his housemates want his attention to spend some time with his mum or Paddy.

Today Robert and Liv are both out, leaving him and Adam to spend some time together, and it's nice, but Adam has been fidgeting for a while, sneaking glances at Aaron and then quickly turning back to the TV, and Aaron is getting worried. There's obviously something Adam wants to tell him, and he finally gets sick of the tension, sighing and turning to Adam.

"Go on, out with it, then."

"Huh?" Adam feigns ignorance, going red and avoiding his eyes.

"You've obviously got something to say, mate. What is it, are you in trouble? Has something happened?"

"No! No, mate, it's nothing like that. It's just – fuck, it's stupid. It not like you don't know, anyway, it's just, I've never said it." He gets an idea of what it is Adam wants to say, then, and tries his best to make himself look at open as possible, nods encouragingly. Adam swallows, eyes darting to and from Aaron, and smiles nervously. "Right. Well, um. I – I think I'm bi? Actually, no, that's stupid. I _am_ bi." He looks wary and excited at the same time, eyes fixed on Aaron now and obviously anxious for his reaction, and Aaron grins, so, so proud of him.

"Mate! That's brilliant! I mean, not that – well, that you know, and you can say it. I know it's hard admitting it. C'mere," He says, grabbing Adam and pulling him in, and Adam goes eagerly, hugs him back tightly.

"I know it's pretty useless of me, to only be figuring this out now. And being so – so nervous about saying it. But it – it feels good, too, you know? To be able to name it, finally."

"I know, mate. It's not useless at all. I'm so proud of ya," He says into Adam's shoulder, and Adam laughs, rubs his face into Aaron's neck.

"Well, cheers. Just... Can you not spread this around? It's not that I'm... Ashamed, or anything. I'm just not ready, yet." Aaron pulls back, holds Adam by the shoulders.

"Of course I won't, Adam. Tell people when you're ready." Adam is smiling, still looking relieved, and nods, pulling away and settling back into his own seat. He's probably considering the conversation over, but Aaron can't help but be curious. "So, does that mean you've got a boyfriend then?"

"Nah, mate, no boyfriend. No girlfriend, either. Just, you know... Living the single life." Aaron nods, lets them move on to other topics, and pretends he's not thinking about what that entails, about how Adam came to terms with his sexuality.

***

That day Adam and Robert seem to be working on shifts, because a few minutes after Robert comes home Adam is heading out the door. And it's not that Aaron is unhappy about spending time with Robert, but today he's really, really struggling with the guilt. Robert is taking advantage of the solitude, being handsy and affectionate, and it's not that Aaron isn't enjoying it for its own sake – but he can't get Adam out of his head today. Now that it's been as good as confirmed, that Adam has been messing around with guys, Robert's mouth on him fuelling thoughts of Adam's mouth, of what he's tasted like. It's like back when he was a hormone filled teenager, unable to keep Adam out of his thoughts, but this time it's so much worse because he has someone else he should be thinking about, because he has experience for his mind to latch on to that never should have happened.

He tries to apologise for his thoughts with his actions, responds quickly to Robert's touch, and they end up in their bedroom not even half an hour after Adam leaves.

Robert's shirt is off, Aaron's is being pushed up by Robert's wandering hands, and he sucks on Robert's tongue, remembers doing the same thing to Adam and pushes him gently away so that he ends up sitting on the bed. He settles immediately on Robert's lap, kisses behind his ear as Robert grabs his hips and moans, runs his hands up Robert's soft stomach and over his chest. They kiss again, wet and desperate, before Aaron pulls away and slides to his knees, giving Robert's cock a brief rub through his trousers before popping the button and sliding the zipper down. He looks up, meeting Robert's bright, hungry eyes, tries to burn this face into his mind and maintains eye contact as he pulls Robert out of his briefs and gets his mouth on him.

He can’t help but wonder if Adam is in the same position as Aaron is right now, on his knees, some stranger or acquaintance’s dick in his mouth. That familiar, uncomfortable rush of shame, guilt and arousal hits him hard and he forces himself down, makes himself choke, keeps going until his nose presses against Robert’s skin and Rob is all he can taste and smell and feel. He stays there as long as he can stand, revels in the way Robert swears and tips forward and runs his hands through Aaron’s hair, uses the ache in his jaw and throat and the tears leaking out of his eyes to remind him who he’s with, who he should be thinking about, who deserves his attention.

He finally pulls off with a wet, obscene noise and gulps down some much needed air, temporarily replacing his mouth with his hand as he gets his breath back. He presses his forehead into Rob’s belly, panting. Robert is still petting his hair, his usual near-constant narration – _god, Aaron, I love it when you do that, love your mouth_ _–_ familiar, reassuring background noise.

He goes back down before he's totally ready for it, chokes a bit and has to pull off to take another deep breath, but manages to find a rhythm again, going as far down as he can with his throat tender and protesting, using his hand for the rest of Robert's shaft. It doesn't take Robert long to finish, and Aaron stays on him when he does, swallows even though he hates it because he knows Robert enjoys it. He slides up the bed when Robert flops down onto his back, nuzzles into his neck and lets Robert wrap an arm around his waist and pull him closer. They lay there for a minute, cuddling as Robert gets his breath back, and then Robert turns his head and kisses his jaw, nudging him over so he's the one stretched out on his back and Robert is hovering over him.

Robert leans down and bumps their noses together, gaze satisfied and affectionate, and then makes to move down Aaron's body and return the favour, but Aaron grabs at him, pulls him in for a kiss and guides his hand to his crotch. He needs Robert on him, pressing down on him, right up in his face so his traitorous thoughts don't stray. Robert doesn't seem to mind, kisses him back despite his mouth still tasting of cum and gets his hand into Aaron's pants, around his dick. Aaron rocks up into his hand, wraps one arm around Robert's shoulders and cups his jaw with the other hand, repeats his name in his head like a mantra, _Robert Robert Robert,_ and finally cums with the right name on his lips.

Robert makes a face, looking down at his hand, and Aaron sighs fondly, pulling his shirt over his head and throwing it at Robert's head after wiping himself off. He tucks himself back into his briefs as Robert wipes his hand and shakes his head as Robert then gets fully undressed. He'll never understand how Robert can be so comfortable lounging around stark naked – it's not even that Aaron is self-conscious, it's just that it feels weird and uncomfortable to wander around with no – support, as such.

He's not complaining, though, having all of Robert on display. It's a nice view. And okay, he might see it and be reminded of very different skin on display, but nobody else needs to know that. It won't last forever.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for taking so long to get this out; unfortunately, exams do have to come before fanfiction. And I just want to take a quick moment to say a massive thank you to everyone who's commented; I know I don't respond, but I read and appreciate all of them.
> 
> Also, please note that there is a potentially triggering scene in this chapter; if you want a proper warning for it, I've put a small description in the end author's note so as to avoid spoiling anyone who isn't bothered.

"I love you."

It's what Aaron had spent months aching for, still aches for, and he smiles, tilting his head up so that he's looking Robert in the eye.

"I love you too," he says softly, genuinely, leaning into Robert's gentle responding kiss. They curl around each other afterwards, comfortable in the knowledge that they're alone in the house for the foreseeable future. Robert is at his affectionate best, hands smoothing over Aaron's back and running through his hair, occasionally shifting to press soft kisses to Aaron's face. Aaron luxuriates in it, drinks it in, presses his own occasional kisses to the closest area of open skin he can reach and strokes his hand lazily up and down Robert's flank.

This inevitably leads to another round, Robert pressed close to him with his hand down between them, working both of them lazily to and over the brink. He even took it upon himself to clean them both off, then stretched out on his side, looking satiated and content.

And Aaron loves it. He does. He still feels honored, being one of the only people who get to see Robert so relaxed and gentle, so _happy_ in a simple, real way - he doesn't think it will ever become something he takes for granted.

He's just not sure he deserves it. No, he's sure he _doesn't_ deserve it. How many times had he wondered whether Robert would ever stray, _had_ ever strayed, had stewed over what he would do and how he would feel? Had hurt at even the thought? And now here he is, having done the exact thing he'd been so scared Robert would do to him.

His heart beat picks up in his chest as he lays there, Robert dozing next to him, and the words burn in his throat.

_I slept with someone else._

Even in his head he can't say Adam's name, can't bring him into it, but the confession rolls about in his head. He doesn't know what he expects Robert to do with the information, doesn't know whether or not telling him would be done out of loyalty to Robert or whether it would be a selfish act to assuage his own guilt.

He doesn't manage to bring himself to say it, in the end, before Robert is stretching out and pressing a cursory kiss to the corner of his lips, disappearing into the living room to do some work.

He's left laying there by himself, guilt bubbling in his chest, and he makes a decision.

It was a one off. It didn't mean anything. It was Adam needing to explore in a safe place. There's no point bringing it up and hurting Robert just to make himself feel better - so he's going to keep it to himself.

* * * 

Adam and Robert might not be at each others throats constantly now, but that doesn't mean they aren't at each others throats at all. It's never about anything serious, either - serious arguments might have been more difficult to deal with, but at least they wouldn't be so fucking annoying. At least then he might have an actual opinion on whatever they're squabbling about. As it is, he doesn't bloody care that Adam got the "wrong" brand of bread when he popped out to the shop ("I don't know what the problem is, we still have some of the old stuff left, I'll just pick some up tomorrow." "It's the principal of the thing, Aaron, I should be able to expect the right type of bread in my own house!"); he doesn't bloody care that Robert "types like a ponce" (he doesn't even know what that means, and he doesn't think either Adam or Robert really do either, but they both seemed pretty fucking angry about it); he especially doesn't care about the fight they're having right now over the TV.

It was too much for Aaron to ask for, apparently, an evening with his husband and best friend quietly watching the telly. Adam is adamant that it would be blasphemy not to watch the rerun of Top Gear that's on; Robert is just as adamant that he doesn't want to watch that "testosterone-fuelled rubbish" and keeps changing it to some house hunting show. That poor choice of words led to a brief, inevitable detour regarding Robert's masculinity that Aaron pointedly avoided getting dragged into, but now they're back onto the original argument, both claiming Aaron's support for themselves without actually talking to him.

If they did, they'd know that Aaron really doesn't care which one they watch, and they'd also be aware that he knows neither of them actually care either. Robert is good at talking shit about anything, but Aaron knows for a fact that he enjoys Top Gear, has watched plenty of episodes with him without Robert making a peep of dissatisfaction. And Adam - Adam will watch whatever trash is on TV without complaint, as long as it's not Robert who's chosen the channel. He's caught Adam watching _Geordie Shore_ with zero shame, for chrissake, and he's not sure exactly what it is that Robert is trying to argue for, but he'd bet that Adam has watched that exact show of his own accord before.

He can only take so much "Me and Aaron don't want to watch that rubbish, Robert-" and "Aaron and I actually have some taste, Adam, not everything has to be about cars and explosions-" before he snaps, snatching the remote out of Robert's hands and jabbing his finger pointedly into the power button, TV screen going dark.

"Right," he says loudly, pointing the remote disapprovingly at Robert. "If you two're gonna act like children, I'm gonna bloody treat you like children." He swings the remote around to Adam, who at least has the decency to look embarrassed and defiant rather than just stubbornly defiant like Robert. "Both of you can go spend some time in your fucking rooms and give me a break. OR--" he raises his voice over Robert's scoff "--you--" remote back in Robert's face "--are sleeping on the couch. And you--" back to Adam "--are bloody well sleeping outside. I'll call the B&B and Moira and make sure you don't have a chance of getting a room, just try me."

"Are you really trying to send us to time out?" Robert asks incredulously, making no move to get up, and Aaron deepens his scowl, turning it back onto Robert.

"I _am_ sending you to fucking time out, unless you'd like to get _really_ well acquainted with your hand again." That's more than he'd usually say in company, honestly - he's never been comfortable talking about the physical aspects of his relationships when other people are around - but if they're both going to be idiots he's forced to pull this card. Adam is halfway out of the room by the time he says it, anyway, stomping off with an eye roll worthy of Liv and a parting glare at Robert.

He can see Robert is wavering on calling his bluff, and Aaron is half hoping he will, just so Aaron can prove to him just how goddamn annoying he finds their little feud, but in the end he sighs like _Aaron_ is being the ridiculous one and retreats to their room with his laptop.

He throws himself down on the couch with a grumpy sigh and changes the channel to anything other than the two they were arguing about. He's quickly met by a wet nose on his cheek followed by a slobbery lick, Scrappy whining and wiggling and seemingly trying to drown him. She's obviously liking the current tense atmosphere about as much as Aaron is. He grabs her head and pushes her muzzle down away from his face, giving her a good rub behind the ears to make up for it, and then rests his forehead against hers.

"You're the only one in this house who never gives me any trouble, Scrappy," he sighs, eyes closed, and Scrappy tries to twist her head around to get her tongue on him again, kind of ruining his point a little bit. He forgives her, though, hugs her around the neck and then sits up to give her some good, proper pats. She can consider it her reward for knowing the command "quiet" and needing it used on her less than the supposed adults Aaron lives with.

She squirms right up to him, panting and wriggling and tail nub wagging so hard it's a blur, and does her usual "subtle" ascent onto the couch. One paw up next to him, another after a few minutes, then a back leg creeps up and she's awkwardly leaning on his lap and trying to act casual at the same time, attempting to distract him with increasingly energetic kisses. It doesn't work, obviously - it's a bit difficult to miss a hundred pound dog crawling into your lap, however much they're convinced they're actually a lapdog - but he lets her climb up and eagerly curl up next to him with her head on his thigh. One cuddle won't hurt Robert's precious couch.

* * * 

He should have known better than to wish so emphatically for Robert and Adam to get on, really. Of course they'd both decide they could get on and bond over fucking _football_. And he wants to support them making an effort, he does, so he has to actually sit and watch this damn match with them to make sure they don't murder each other.

He really hadn't thought football was really Robert's thing, that he liked it enough to be happy with it as background noise and nothing else, but no, apparently he actually enjoys it. Apparently he supports the same team as Adam. Aaron refuses to learn that team's name on principal (that principal being "I don't give a fuck about football"), but Robert and Adam make noises about the apparent superiority of their chosen players and agree to watch the match that's on on Friday.

So Friday will either be a first step towards a calmer household, or an absolute war zone. He knows which one Liv is betting on - she'd seemed almost disappointed to have somewhere to be, and she's not exactly going to be excited for a nice relaxing night in - but Aaron is really hoping they're going to make a genuine effort.

And, if all else fails, he's going to have a buffer - Adam's invited one of his mates over (he'd insisted when Aaron asked that this bloke had nothing to do with his 'experimenting', but... well, Aaron hadn't heard of him before) and Robert had, as he put it, magnanimously not put up a fuss about one of Adam's friends being invited to their house. Which, really, was a promising sign.

That doesn't mean he's not anxious, though, puttering about uselessly in the kitchen as he waits for Adam to get back from picking up his friend - Michael, he reminds himself. Wouldn't do to go forgetting the bloody bloke's name.

Robert is stretched out on the couch with a beer, having long since given up on trying to get him to relax and sit down, and Aaron is relieved when the door finally swings open and Adam steps through. He perks up, smiles automatically as he sees him and leaves his hovering, walking up to meet him and his guest.

He pulls Adam in for a hug, clapping him on the back and then letting him go to take a look at the man who's just stepped through the door in Adam's wake.

"Michael, Aaron; Aaron, Michael," Adam says by way of introduction, sweeping his arm through the air to indicate who he's talking about.

"Howsit," Aaron says, offering a hand, which Michael takes in a firm grip with a friendly bob of his head. His gaze is intense and interested, warm brown eyes taking him in with what feels like an unsettling amount of insight, and Aaron clears his throat as they release their grips. He tilts his head in Robert's direction, partly by way of introduction and partly to take the attention off himself.

"That one's Robert," he says as Robert finally pushes up from the couch and heads over.

"The husband," Michael acknowledges, nodding at Robert in greeting and shaking his hand as Adam closes the door quietly behind him.

"Nice to meet you, Michael," Robert says smoothly, always adept at first impressions. "I have to say, I always knew Aaron and Adam were pretty codependent, but I didn't think he'd go and find himself a look-alike to fill the time they spend apart."

Ah. Not so good at first impressions when he has a chance to get a dig in, then.

"Robert," Aaron warns sharply, as Adam goes slightly red and splutters a denial, looking deeply scandalised.

"He's not a bloody replacement," Adam protests, but Michael just laughs.

"I'll take that as a compliment," he says with an exaggerated wink at Aaron, leaving him pink in the face and Robert abruptly unamused.

"No point standing around in front of the door," Aaron says hurriedly, trying to brush past the awkwardness and gesturing the living room. "You want a beer, mate?" He asks Michael.

"Yeah, cheers," Michael says easily, following Adam's lead into the living room as Aaron takes a detour into the kitchen to grab them both a drink. Michael offers his thanks with a bright smile, and Adam gets a smack on the back of his head for his purposeful lack of the same, grinning cheerfully up at him as he heads over to the other couch.

Robert's arm goes around his shoulders when he settles down next to him, which he could honestly do without, but he leans into him anyway, hoping to lend a quiet reassurance. And it seems to work; it's a little bit awkward, as all first meetings are - at least in Aaron's experience - but Michael is personable and chatty, and he quickly draws Robert in.

He seems to know about the game as well, positing opinions on the way the game will go with Adam and Robert, and Aaron takes the opportunity of not having anything to contribute to take a proper look at him.

He doesn't look like him, not really; he's got a similar hairstyle, a similar beard, a similar build, and he supposes maybe you'd mistake them for each other in the dark at a distance. But his hair falls in a mess of soft black curls, and his beard runs along the sharp angles of his face in a way that make Aaron rub at his own chronically soft cheeks self consciously.

You'd certainly not confuse them when you got close; he holds himself like he's confidant and comfortable despite being in a new place with new people, and he carries himself with an ease that Aaron is pretty sure he's never felt in his life. His lips seem to curl up into a small smile even at rest, and, well; if this is what Adam is into in a guy, Aaron can see why they never went anywhere.

Aaron's not hurt by it - he isn't. Okay, maybe it _hurts_ , a little bit, further proof that he's not what Adam wants, but he's not hurt by Adam wanting someone so diametrically different from him. He has enough self awareness to know that he's not exactly a great catch.

He catches Michael giving him considering glances, too, and he never seems at all embarrassed to be caught out, giving Aaron an easy smile each time instead. He seems just as interested in Robert, so Aaron figures he's just a naturally curious person, looking to put the reality of them against what he's gathered from Adam.

Then the game starts, and Aaron loves Robert, and he loves Adam, and he loves spending time with them; but god damn, is football fucking boring. It's just a bunch of people running around on the grass, and Adam and Robert seem to spend a lot of time building themselves up but as far as Aaron can tell they've not yet scored one goal. (He's pretty sure it's a goal, at any rate. Could be a point. He doesn't particularly give a shit.)

He's very glad that Adam invited Michael, who doesn't seem to be particularly into it either, who keeps the thread of conversation going through Adam and Robert's distractions. He has the sort of easy charisma that lends itself to other people, that loosens Aaron's tongue, and he finds himself enjoying the night despite the football, listening to Michael's tales from being a bartender as Adam and Robert jump in and out of the conversation depending on the state of the game.

As the one person in the room who has zero interest in what's happening on TV he ends up automatically assigned to drink duty, and he makes the appropriate fuss and rolls his eyes every time Adam or Robert shake an empty can in his direction (Michael being the only one with any bloody manners, a fact that doesn't seem to bother the other two when he grumpily points it out to them), but it's not really a hardship in exchange for the easy atmosphere. Him and Robert end up on opposite ends of the couch, Aaron closer to Michael and Robert closer to the TV, and Robert seems a little bit annoyed that Aaron isn't paying more attention to him, but it's not like Robert is paying all that much attention to Aaron, either.

He realises too late that Robert has switched from perturbed to pissed off, sitting still and silent with a stony expression as he stares at the TV with an intensity it doesn't deserve. But Adam bursts into raucous laughter, and Michael is laughing into his hands, and maybe it makes him a bad person but Robert's mood is beyond saving now so he makes a split decision to just enjoy the rest of the night.

He can tell Michael has noticed Robert's foul mood, but he doesn't seem to be at all shaken by it, keeping what seems to be his customary smile on his face and joining Aaron in taking every opportunity to make gentle fun of Adam's enthusiastic reactions to the game.

Adam, for his part, seems to be oblivious to the tension emanating from the end of Aaron's couch. He's constantly interrupting their conversation to hurl abuse at the screen or cheer, and every time Aaron and Michael share knowing, fond glances.

He's not entirely sure about the nature of Adam and Michael's relationship - but he's honestly 90 percent convinced it's not entirely platonic. And it's not that he's upset about that, not really, but there's that little twinge in his chest, the one that's always there when Adam starts a relationship but is especially strong now that it involves a man - a twinge that says, _why not me._

He's used to ignoring that, though, and really he's just pleased that Adam seems to have met someone who appreciates him. He's honestly not at all convinced that Adam won't end up back with Vic, but if he's trying something with Michael, well, he could certainly have done worse for himself.

It's not long after the downturn of Robert's mood that the game ends, and judging by the way Adam triumphantly leaps from his seat and punches the air, their team won. He meets Michael's eyes, and sees his own fond smile mirrored on his face.

"I reckon this deserves a bit of a celebration, lads," Adam says, exhilarated. "What do you say to heading out into Hotten and hitting a few bars?"

Aaron is ready to agree, pulled in as always by Adam's cheer, but Robert answers for both of them before he has a chance.

"I don't think so," he says, sharp and cold, and Aaron feels his heart sink, finally having to deal with Robert's sour mood.

Adam's face falls, obviously caught off guard by Robert's coldness, and Aaron pushes himself up to his feet, trying to get them separated before this turns into a proper tiff.

"I think me and Robert'd rather spend the rest of the night in, mate," he says, patting him on the shoulder, and Michael stands up too.

"I reckon we should leave these two love birds to it, lad," he says, and Aaron shoots him a grateful look as Adam looks slowly between Aaron and Robert, glaring petulantly at the TV.

"Yeah, alright," he says, giving Aaron a concerned look, and he just smiles, walking them to the door.

"Have a good night," he says, uncomfortably aware he's unlikely to be able to take his own advice, and Michael heads out the door, wishing him and Robert a goodnight and getting ignored by the man on the couch.

Adam hesitates at the door, glancing worriedly between Aaron and Robert, sitting tense on the couch, but Aaron shakes his head silently, ushering him out of the room. Adam staying would only piss Robert off even more.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he says, obviously concerned, and Aaron just nods.

"Have a good night, mate," he says before closing the door unceremoniously in Adam's face.

"He didn't manage to get a kiss in, then," Robert says from behind him, voice sharp and sarcastic, and Aaron sighs, setting his shoulders and turning to face his angry husband.

"You know I wouldn't do that, Robert," he says shortly. "And you know he wasn't being serious, Jesus."

"Wasn't he?" Robert asks, jaw tight, and Aaron scowls. This is going to turn into a proper argument, then. Great.

" _No_."

"Right, you would say that, though. Looked like you were quite enjoying the attention." Aaron knows he's not exactly in a position to be so offended by the insinuation, but fuck, Adam is one thing - a complete stranger is totally different.

"So what are you saying, Robert," he snaps, letting his frustration with the whole night bubble over. "I meet some bloke and get all ready to bend over the second he makes a joke? I'd betray you with the first man who looks my way? 'Cause as far as I remember, Robert, _I'm_ not the one with a history of straying." The hypocrisy burns in his throat, but Robert's mistrust and petulant sulking burn worse, have been grating on him all night, and he can't bring himself to stop. " _I'm_ not the one who married some poor bird for her money while I was messing about with the local mechanic."

Robert is in full fury mode now, every muscle taut and gaze murderous, standing tall in front of the couch.

"I didn't marry her for her money, Aaron," he growls indignantly. "I know it might seem like atrociously bad taste looking back, but I did care about her!" Aaron just lets out a breathless, disbelieving laugh.

"Oh, ay, but the money sweetened the deal quite a bit, didn't it? Don't pretend you tried to get her back so desperately because of _her_. Do anything for a bit of cash, our Robert, won't he?"

Robert sneers, obviously wounded.

"Oh, right, at least I'm trying to fucking better my life, Aaron, not wallow in my oh-so-tragic past. You might be having fun insinuating I'm a whore, but at least I have the self respect to get something out of it instead of whoring myself out to a bloke because I feel bad about landing him in a wheelchair."

He can see in his eyes that Robert knows he's gone over the line, and he can also see that he's _revelling_ in it, that cruel glint that he's sickeningly familiar with showing itself, and it takes every ounce of self restraint he has not to devolve into wordless, furious screaming.

"Don't you _fucking dare_ bring him into this," he snarls, fists clenched so tight he'd be drawing blood if his nails weren't bitten to the quick, shoulders rising protectively, angrily. His heart is pounding and he feels lightheaded and he simultaneously wants to rip Robert to fucking shreds and for this fight to just be over.

"Oh, right, my apologies," Robert drawls, smug smirk firmly on his face now that he feels like he has the upper hand, and Aaron feels sick waiting for the attack he knows is coming. "I guess it wouldn't be whoring, would it, considering he couldn't even get it up."

It's the barb that snaps his self control, that callous cruelty towards Jackson, towards his first love, and all of the progress he's made since then feels far, far away as he lunges forward, hands coming up to hurt just like he's hurting.

The bastard doesn't even look scared, looks like he's expecting a punch and expecting to enjoy it, enjoy the proof that he's gotten under Aaron's skin.

He doesn't, though. He doesn't. He catches himself, right up in Robert's face, his half wary, half triumphant expression blurring slightly with furious tears as he holds his shaking hands up to strangle the air.

" _Get the fuck out,_ " he hisses, teeth gritted, and Robert stares back at him for a beat before sneering and spinning on his heel, flinging the door open and disappearing through, door coming closed behind him with a sharp, decisive snap.

Aaron barely manages to last until the door is closed before he's on the floor, curling in on himself with his hands pressed to his face, trying desperately to stop the tears already spilling into his fingers and dripping down his wrists. He has no chance of controlling his breathing, breaths coming in a harsh staccato rhythm, sharp gasps of air seeming to dissipate halfway down his throat. It leaves him constantly trying to suck down enough air to survive, to stay coherent, despite phantom hands clutching tight to his windpipe. He's vaguely aware of making embarrassing, pathetic noises, of sounding like a whimpering kicked dog, but he can't make himself stop, can't do anything except dig his fingernails into his skin and try not to suffocate on his panic.

He's not sure how long he spends there on the floor, being a useless, pathetic excuse for a man. He's simultaneously hyper aware and completely out of it, totally conscious of every laboured, choking attempt at inhalation and hiccupping catch of breath but with no concept of the time passing him by. He's trapped in his own personal, miserable bubble, where his entire consciousness is narrowed in on trying to force his lungs to inflate beyond the apparent vice of his ribs and letting his vicious, hateful thoughts spin around in his head. _You deserved everything he's ever said to you, you piece of shit. You deserve everything everyone has ever said about you. You almost hit him, how can you pretend to be a good person knowing you're capable of that? You deserve everything that has ever happened to you, but you keep dragging innocent people down with you. Do everyone a favour and end it, you waste of space._

The thing is, he knows about coping strategies. He knows that he's meant to force himself to breath evenly, to count backwards from 100, to name four fucking things he can see, three he can touch, two he can hear, one he can taste, but he deserves this. He deserves to feel awful, because that's what he is. He fucks everything up eventually, brings everyone who for some reason loves him down with him. Go through his senses? He can see spots because he's got his knees digging into his eyes, he can feel his nails digging into his skin, he can feel the wetness of his tears sticking to his cheeks and arms and soaking into his trousers, the wheeze of his breaths, can hear the useless, embarrassing whimpering, can taste the salt of snot and tears on his lips.

He finally runs out of steam who knows how long later, reduced to shaky uneven breathing instead of gasps. He realises that he's trembling, that his fingers have twisted into his hair instead of clawing into his scalp, that he's rocking gently backwards and forwards like a - a fucking _child_. He forces himself into stillness, tries to make his breathing even, tugs angrily at his hair and throws himself up and onto his feet when he can't do any better than hiccupping sobs. He brings one fist down with a smack against his thigh, furious at himself for not being able to bring himself under control, brings his fist down twice more in quick succession and only stops when it aches and he knows it's going to bruise. His anger has already been extinguished, anyway, as quick to disappear as it was to spring up around him, left him tired and shaky. His heart - rabbit-quick in his chest, feeling like it's going to crack his ribs open - is the only part of him that doesn't feel impossible to move.

 _Attention whore_ , his brain sneers, never happy unless he's aware of all of the worst parts of himself. _What, you want someone to notice? You want Robert to feel bad? You abusive asshole, the only person to blame is you and your overreactions._ He doesn't even know if that's true, right now, doesn't know whether he was making it seem worse than it was or if it was as bad as it felt, the entire experience already being eaten by the fog of exhaustion that's smothering him. It's all he can do to force himself to stay upright, do his best to wipe his face with his shirt, slump onto the couch so that he at least resembles a human being. He feels simultaneously weightless and overwhelmingly heavy, as if he was made up of nothing but air but being dragged down by lead weights, and it's a mission to move his limbs, let alone his whole body. _Useless_ , his brain whispers, as he wipes down his face again with trembling hands, tilting his head back and staring pleadingly at the ceiling as he lets out a slow, shaky breath.

The tears have stopped, at least, as abruptly as they started, leaving his eyes sore and red and a pulsing ache centered on the bridge of his nose. Even his brain is exhausted by that little episode, reduced to silence, leaving him with a vague feeling of being a disappointing mess but no commentary as he stares blankly at the ceiling.

He's just so, so tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for: a description of a panic attack, and a small amount of self harm (no cutting, but it's still self harming.)
> 
> ETA: Also, content warning for ableist comment during an argument.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning in this chapter for references to self harm, descriptions of self-harming impulses, references to past ableist comments, and references to past canon callous and unacceptable comments regarding a previous, also canon, suicide attempt.
> 
> Also, just to be entirely clear: Aaron's thoughts are not my own. The poor boy has barely any self esteem, and his inner monologue reflects that, but I have a much higher opinion of him than he does of himself, and a different perspective on the dynamics of his relationship with Robert.
> 
> And one last thing, I really am sorry about the massive gap between last chapter and this one. This chapter has not been at all cooperative, but the next few chapters have largely already been written, and they should definitely come out a lot quicker than this one did.

He wishes he could say he didn't hurt himself because he thought it through, because he restrained himself, because he used one of the many, many other coping strategies he's been taught over the years. He can't, though. The truth of it is that the only reason he's not sitting here bleeding is that the thought of getting up and finding a blade that will do the job is too much.

Which is pathetic. He knows that. Robert had told him once that he was a failure at killing himself – Aaron bets he doesn't know that Aaron's useless at even hurting himself, as well.

He wonders where Robert is. He can't help but think about those times when he'd had Robert come to him fuming off of a fight with Chrissie, looking for an easy release, fingers tight and bruising as he took out on Aaron what he had to bite his tongue about with Chrissie. He's ashamed to admit that it had been part of the thrill, at the time, knowing that he got from Robert what Chrissie didn't, that he could _give_ Robert what Chrissie couldn't – that he got the real Robert, and not the one pretending to be a picture perfect husband. He wonders if someone else is feeling that thrill right now.

Guilt twists even tighter in his gut at the thought. Robert hasn't done that to him before; it's not fair of him to think that of him. It's just... this is still so new, them together, _properly_ together, and Robert does have form, doesn't he? He hasn't gotten that angry at him since they got back together, and an angry Robert is someone who figures out the thing that would hurt you the most with pinpoint accuracy and then goes and does it before he has a chance to think twice. An angry Robert is a Robert who lashes out.

God, but that had been Aaron, hadn't it. It had been Aaron who had lashed out, almost literally, and here he is assuming the worst already. This whole thing is just a massive goddamn mess.

Robert doesn't deserve a husband who can even think about hitting him. And Aaron... Aaron knows there's a lot he doesn't deserve, but surely, surely he deserves someone who doesn't take all of his past hurts, and mistakes, and traumas and uses them as weapons just as much as they soothe the wounds left behind.

He'd gone back, after the derisive comments about his cutting. About his tenuous mental health. When he'd used what Aaron... what Aaron had done to Jackson, even. Because it was mean and vicious, and it made Aaron furious at the time, but it was just the truth, wasn't it? It's nothing Aaron didn't already know. That he had someone willing to look past it and pretend he's better than he is, that's more than he ever expected to get, and it's more than he deserves, he reckons. So if Robert had lashed out a few times, when his world was crumbling, when he was struggling – well, Aaron can honestly say he's been there.

But they're _partners_ , now. Aaron is meant to be able to trust him, meant to be able to trust that he can let Robert in without being scared of it being turned into an opportunity for attack. Especially an attack over a fucking – a fucking _joke_ , about Aaron having a good time.

Yet here he is, feeling sick and tired and itching for a blade against his skin, and it's because of his relationship. He's not even sure how much sleep he got last night – he must have gotten some, but it feels like he'd spent the whole night drifting on the edge of unconsciousness, curled into a ball on the couch, unable to properly drift off but equally unable to do anything but lay there. He's been essentially wallowing in a foggy daze of misery all morning, and it's not until he hears a key in the door that he realises that he's been hearing his phone ping more than just a few times.

"Aaron?" He's ashamed of the jolt of relief he feels when it's Adam's concerned voice that rings out instead of Roberts, and he shoves himself upright.

"Yeah," he croaks out, clearing his throat, guilt hitting again as he sees Adam's shoulders slump with relief while he hurries over.

"The door was unlocked," he says as he settles carefully next to Aaron on the couch, avoiding the fact that Aaron has obviously been ignoring his attempts to get in contact, and his brow creases even more in concern when the only reaction Aaron can manage is a quiet, "oh."

"Are you okay?" he asks, scrutinising Aaron's face. "Robert seemed pretty pissed off. Did you guys have a fight?" Aaron rubs at his eyes and drags his hands up his face and over his hair, nodding.

"Yeah."

"Not a _proper_ fight, though. He didn't hit you or anything," Adam presses, half joking but clearly half genuinely concerned, and Aaron snorts.

"You should be asking whether I hit him," Aaron says bitterly, and Adam just shakes his head, looking completely sure of himself.

"You'd be beside yourself if you had, Aaron. I'd have known the second I walked through that door."

Adam's confidence in him burns, and he has to swallow before he speaks.

"I almost did," he chokes out, voice barely above a whisper, shame pulling his shoulders up and curling him in on himself. "I almost – I went for him. I didn't but... fuck, Adam, I wanted to."

"I don't think there's anyone who's met him that can't say the same, Aaron," Adam says with a half smile, that quickly slides off his face when Aaron just trembles and refuses to look him in the eye. "Hey," he says more firmly, gripping his shoulder and leaning in close. "Look at me. Aaron, you didn't. _You didn't_. It's – okay, it's not great that you wanted to, but that's what he fucking does, innit, he riles people up. He's been on the receiving end of plenty of well deserved smacks in his life. And yeah, I know," he says, cutting off what Aaron was about to say. "I know it's different because you're – together. But... Aaron, I know how nasty he can be, and he must've..." He swallows, then, looking away from Aaron briefly for the first time.

"Aaron," he starts again, voice low and always, always comforting. "I know he's said some... awful things to you before, and you've not reacted like that. I can't help but think that he said something... something well, _well_ over the line." Aaron is ashamed at the way his eyes immediately well up, his head automatically ducking down to tuck his chin against his chest and turning away from Adam as he digs the curve of his wrist into his eye, sleeve clutched tight in his fist. He shakes his head, digging his teeth into his bottom lip, unwilling to say the words.

"It doesn't bloody matter what he said," he mutters hoarsely, but he can feel the way Adam immediately tenses and knows that he's only going to assume the worst if Aaron doesn't say. "It's... I shouldn't have overreacted. He just... About. About Jackson. He said. That... that I only stayed with Jackson after... after the accident because it was- because I felt guilty." He knows he's not being entirely truthful about Robert's wording, and, okay, he might have left part of it out, but getting Adam riled up against Robert is the last thing he wants.

His efforts don't help much, though, because Adam immediately sucks in an appalled breath, the hand on his shoulder squeezing briefly.

"Aaron, _Jesus,_ " he says, clearly searching for words to say and not finding them. "That's... Aaron, that was well out of line."

"I know," he says, voice wobbling as he fights to keep the tears out of his eyes.

"Oh, mate," Adam says sympathetically. He pulls Aaron into a hug and rubs a hand up his back as Aaron buries his face into Adam's neck. "It's okay. It's going to be okay." He starts to say something else but bites his tongue, settling for holding Aaron tight, and he's grateful that Adam restrained what was obviously going to be a scathing indictment on Robert's character.

He'll want that later, maybe, when it's not still so fresh, but right now he just wants to not feel like a shitty person, not feel like he's almost done ruining a relationship with the only person who could love him even with everything he's done.

He lets himself be held close in silence for a while, Adam's hand settling in a loose curl around the back of his neck, but eventually pulls back, Adam letting go and shuffling back a little bit to give him some more space.

"I don't think I can do this anymore," he admits. "Me and Robert... I just... I love him, god, I do, but I can't do this. We just don't work."

"Are you going to end it?" Adam asks gently, and Aaron appreciates his restraint in not letting himself sound pleased, in not pushing him to do it, in letting him make the decision even though he knows that if it was Adam's choice to make, he'd never have been with Robert in the first place.

"Yeah," he says quietly, and then, after clearing his throat, louder, "Yeah. We tried but it's... it's not working. If it was just us then... I don't know, but I've got to think of Liv, too. I'm meant to be looking after her, I don't want to put her in a position where she's watching me fight with my boyfriend all the time. I don't want her to think that's how relationships should work. Maybe... I don't know. Maybe I could have done something different but... there's just too much history, now, that I don't think we can come back from."

It's hard to say. It's like it makes what he's just done more real, now that he's said it to someone else, admitted that he's given up on a relationship that they'd both fought so hard to make work. But... If he has to fight so hard to keep hold of it, if he's always having to cling tight and battling himself, maybe he just shouldn't have it. Not right now, not when he's still fighting so hard for everything else in his life, wrestling with his own brain and past and the effort it takes even to function. God, he feels like the villain of a feel-good movie, but maybe love just isn't enough sometimes.

Adam nods sympathetically, reaching out again to gently squeeze his shoulder.

"Do you know when he's going to be back? Do you want to do it today or should I make sure he gives you some space?" Aaron shakes his head immediately – Adam and Robert need to stay far away from each other for the time being, as far as Aaron is concerned.

"No. He deserves for me to do it now. Um, I know you just got here, but..."

"Oh, yeah, I can give you some space," he says quickly, standing up and pulling him in for a hug when Aaron stands to walk him to the door, clapping him on the back and then holding him at arms length, hands warm on Aaron's biceps. "Listen, I'm not going to be far, okay? You need me, just text and I'll be there."

Aaron manages a small smile, shrugging Adam's hands off.

"Thanks, but I'll be fine, Adam. You don't have to worry about me." Adam doesn't look particularly convinced, but he nods anyway and lets himself be lead to the door, giving him one last reassuring smile before leaving Aaron alone with his thoughts. Which, honestly, is the last thing he wants right now – he's made his decision, and now he just wants to get the hard part over and done with.

_we need to talk. come home?_ he texts Robert, not knowing how long it would be before he got back if Aaron left it to him, and not wanting to have to spend more time working himself up over it or having Robert still be here by the time Liv gets back. She's not likely to be back before tonight, but he'd rather be safe than sorry.

He makes himself get a drink of water and force down some food while he waits for Robert's reply, and the buzz of his phone when Robert finally does manages to make him jump even though he's been anxiously waiting for it this whole time.

_fine_ , is all it says, and Aaron spends the wait for Robert to arrive pacing, twisting his hands together and fighting the urge to use his nervous energy to hunt down something sharp. He's starting to wonder whether he needs to clarify to Robert that he meant _now_ when he hears a car in the driveway, and moments later the door swings open.

The sight of him stepping through the doorway, features set in a cool mask of indifference and clearly not over last night, send his previous anxious energy disappearing from under him in a rush, leaving him exhausted and suddenly acutely aware of how far away he must have been to have taken so long to get here. Robert just stares at Aaron expectantly once he gets inside and the door is closed.

"Well, you wanted to talk," he says, calm and pointed, unwilling to give Aaron any sort of ground.

"Where did you go?" Aaron asks, voice blank and tired, but Robert reads his thoughts in his face – or maybe his guilt makes him think he does, Aaron doesn't fucking know, he doesn't know anything anymore – and immediately bristles defensively, lips pressing into a thin line.

"Hotten. A bar. Then a hotel. _By myself_ , because I didn't want to come back and stay somewhere where everyone would assume the fucking worst of me, okay!? Because I know that even if I went to my own sisters, the first thing out of her mouth would be asking me what _I'd_ done wrong. I didn't _sleep_ with anyone, if that's what you were insinuating," he snaps, and Aaron shakes his head.

"I believe you," he says, and the look of satisfaction and relief on Robert's face makes what he's going to say next hurt even more. "But... You know, if some bird or, or some bloke came up to me tomorrow and said, 'I had your husband last night', I would believe them, too, Robert. I mean, maybe they'd be lying, maybe I wouldn't – I wouldn't believe them completely, but fuck, Robert! What kind of relationship is this, that I wouldn't be able to just laugh them off!?"

"That's not fair," Robert growls, clearly wounded. "How could you- I've never been unfaithful to you, Aaron!"

Aaron takes a deep, shaky breath to steady himself, scrubbing his hands down his face and trying to keep hold of the tears threatening to escape.

"You have, though, Robert, haven't you? I had to spend so long watching you with Chrissie, getting passed over when it wasn't convenient to you and being a dirty little secret, and okay, maybe you haven't been with anyone else since we got back together but-" he has to cut off and bite down hard on his lip, a few hot tears leaking out his eyes and dripping down his cheeks.

"But that doesn't make history go away, Rob. I can't just pretend that I- that I don't hear where you've been and wonder how many times after you'd been with me you told Chrissie that exact same thing!" He can see Robert's jaw tightening, can see him getting ready to fight back, so he blurts out the rest of his thoughts before he can. "And you... you can't like that either, Robert. How could you be okay, having a partner who can't trust you? How could you be okay, having a partner who can go at you like I did last night?" Aaron can feel his voice crack, and has to take another wobbly breath and turn his head away to swipe at his traitorous eyes. "It's not – it's not fucking fair on either of us, Robert. This just isn't working."

"Oh, it's time for your martyr bullshit now, is that it? We have a little wobble and no working it out, just straight to oh, poor me my life is over? I've done so much for you, Aaron! I've done so much for _us_! I've sacrificed _everything_! And now you're trying to act like you're going to throw that all away for _me_?" He takes a deep, angry breath, pulling himself up to his full height. "You're not doing this for _me_ , Aaron, you're just doing what you always do and sabotaging anything that makes you happy, even if it makes everyone else around you miserable, too. I'm not going to just let you push me away, Aaron."

It's tempting to let himself be persuaded of that – to take the path of least resistance and let Robert convince him to settle back into things, to continue on pretending he can't feel that itch under his skin until the next time things blow up, and then do it all again. Not too long ago he would have. But he needs to get better, he needs to stop being a burden on everyone he loves when his barely existent coping methods backfire again, he needs to be as well as he can be for his sister. So he bites his lip and shakes his head.

"No, Robert. I wanted this to work, I really did. I wanted it to make us happy – I wanted it to make me happy. And it did, a lot, but it... it hurts too, and it's making me a person I don't want to be. Jesus, Robert, _I almost hit you!_ Maybe it's us, maybe I just shouldn't be with anyone right now, or maybe _ever_ I don't know, fuck, I just know that if I let this keep going on I'm going to be someone I swore I wouldn't ever be again. I don't want to be that person, Robert," he says, begs, his voice cracking embarrassingly and tears dripping down his cheeks. Robert's face just turns mulish.

"I'm not going to let you destroy this relationship because of your misplaced insecurities, Aaron," he says, and Aaron has to look away for a moment, jaw tight. He thought he'd be forcing himself to stay strong, to leave, but he feels detached and far away at Robert's insistence, like the relationship is already over and they're just going through the motions. He knows this has to end.

"I'm not doing this because I don't want you, Robert," he says quietly. "Because I do. God, I do. I love you so much. But this isn't working. And it's not – I'm not putting it all on you. Because it's not all on you." The guilt that he's been managing to shove down is surging up, choking him, making him feel sick. He doesn't want to say it, doesn't want to hurt Robert – doesn't want to hurt himself by giving Robert reason to hate him. Is being selfish, if he's completely honest with himself. But Robert deserves to know.

"I – I fucked up," he chokes out. His chest feels tight and too light, like he's a helium balloon about to burst, the pressure of Robert's coming anger and feelings of betrayal vise-tight on his ribs. He's proper crying now, breaths coming quick and short, and the last thing in the world he wants to say is forced out anyway. "It's – I – I slept with someone else."

He wants to curl up and hide, but he can't tear his gaze away from Robert's face, watching his expression morph from disbelief to stunned surprise to cold fury.

"You _fucked him!?_ " he yells, body taut with furious energy that's a knife edge away from exploding. "After all of that bullshit last night you _fucked_ him!? What, did you even wait until I pulled out of the driveway before you were calling him up? Bet he didn't take any convincing, did he? Or did he come back to 'check on you'? Give you a nice strong shoulder to cry on, did he?" He's sneering, harsh and sarcastic and angry, and Aaron shakes his head, taking a step back.

"No, Robert, it wasn't – it wasn't _Michael_ , I swear, I don't want him – he wouldn't anyway."

"Right," Robert snorts, obviously already set on his target. "I saw him, looking at me like I was fucking beating you or something just because I didn't like him blatantly flirting with my boyfriend. Bet he couldn't wait to come over and play the hero."

" _It wasn't Michael,_ Robert, okay? And it w- it wasn't.... it didn't happen last night." There's a beat before Robert's face twists as he realises what Aaron is saying, and he doesn't even look angry anymore, just stunned.

"You – you cheated on me before? Wha- with _who_? _When!?_ " Aaron digs his teeth into his lip, unable to look Robert in the eye, heart pounding and mouth bone dry. It feels like it would be physically impossible to speak, and he doesn't know how much to tell him, how much to let him know, because he's owning up to what he's done but he can't bring himself to pull Adam in too, to force him out of the closet like this. Because if Robert knows, everyone else will. Robert will make sure of that. Maybe it's hypocritical of him, to have outed Robert's affair with him without a second thought to his being closeted, but Adam hasn't done all the other things Robert had done, hasn't been a _threat_ to anyone, and regardless, if there's one thing that has always been true, it's that Adam is his exception in everything.

So he stays quiet.

" _Who was it,_ Aaron?" Robert demands, stepping closer, jaw clenched tight. "Who? What, Finn? One of the blokes up at Bar West? That's it, isn't it, it was one of those _fucking_ losers at Bar West."

"It was a mistake," Aaron manages, quiet and hoarse. "It was.... it was just once, it was a mistake."

Robert laughs, harsh and bitter, mouth twisted into a grim parody of a smile.

" _It was a mistake_ ," he repeats mockingly. "Oh, I bet it was. That would be a good enough excuse for you if it was me who'd done it, right?"

"I'm not asking you to forgive me, Robert," Aaron says. "I know it's – you have every reason to hate me."

"Well that's big of you," Robert sneers. "Admitting what you've done _after_ you've decided to end us. How long have you been pretending everything is fine? A week? Two?" Aaron stays silent, sharp tang of blood mixing with the salt of tears in his mouth as his teeth break through the skin of his lip, heart hammering in his chest. He feels even worse, not being completely truthful even now, but shame is sticking in his throat and making it impossible to speak. " _Longer_? A month? Two months?" Aaron tucks his head down, the truth clear in his silence.

"Jesus _fucking_ Christ, Aaron!" Robert explodes, spinning around and storming a short distance away, violently knocking a chair onto the ground on the way and swiping a hand angrily through his hair before twisting back around to face him, face drawn in a mix between fury and disbelief. "Always a _paragon of virtue_ , our Aaron! Always the good guy in this relationship! Robert, no, he can't do anything right, but _our Aaron_!" The sarcasm dripping from his voice when he says Aaron's name makes him flinch worse than the clatter of the chair on the floor did, and Robert snorts, shaking his head.

"You know what? Fine. Fine. Congratulations, Aaron, you officially fucking threw away everything we've worked for. I can't deal with you sabotaging everything I do for us for the rest of my life. Thanks for everything, I guess." He spins around again and storms out, slamming the door behind him, the house abruptly silent aside from Aaron's choked sobs.

He's still shaking and crying, almost certainly bright red and unattractive with tears and snot running down his face, but it feels like his body is going through the motions of what he should be feeling while the rest of him gave up and accepted it as soon as the door closed behind Robert. It's tempting to embrace the numbness, the complete lack of emotional reaction, but he's been through this enough to know that this reaction isn't the positive it feels like, so he forces himself over to the couch and sinks down into it. He has to get himself together before Liv gets home, before he has to admit to her what he's done as well, and he pulls his phone out of his pocket, navigating to his messages with Adam via muscle memory more than conscious choice.

_its over_ , he sends, then drops the phone at his side, slumping back into the couch and wiping at his face. His life might be going to shit right now, but Adam being there for him is one of the only constants in his life, and he knows he'll be here soon.


	11. Chapter 11

Adam turns up so quickly that Aaron is half suspicious that he's been lurking just past the driveway, but right now he really doesn't care why he's here so fast, only that he is. He's hauled into a hug as soon as Adam's through the door, rocking side to side as Aaron buries his face into Adam's shoulder. He feels like this is the moment where he should start crying, but the tears don't come, only another wave of fatigue that has him slump entirely into Adam's embrace.

"You're okay, bro," he murmurs into Aaron's hair, arms tight around him. "It sucks, but you did the right thing."

God, he hopes so, because he's not sure there's any coming back if he changes his mind.

"Yeah," he mutters, clinging onto him until Adam claps him on the back and pulls away.

"Right, what's the plan for tonight, then? Get bladdered and slag Robert off, get bladdered and cry about being single, or get bladdered and pretend Robert doesn't exist?"

Aaron rolls his eyes.

"Is there an option that _isn't_ getting bladdered?" he asks, and Adam raises his eyebrows.

"That's not a very Dingle attitude to have, Aaron," he scolds playfully, and Aaron's lips pull up into a small smile despite himself.

"Yeah, alright, I know you're just using me as an excuse to get drunk and talk shit about Robert. It'll have to wait, though – Liv'll be home today. I... I need to let her know what happened. We'll see how I feel when she knows I've left him, I guess."

"She'll be glad to see the back of him," Adam says confidently, but Aaron isn't so sure. Yeah, Robert and Liv didn't have much in common, and didn't interact very much at all, for living in the same house, but he's been an adult in her life that she's meant to be able to trust and rely on, and now he's going to be gone. Aaron knows what it's like to have grown up with an unstable home life, and he knows that any loss of what is meant to be a stable guardian relationship has the possibility of sending her reeling, no matter how much she agrees with the reason, no matter how little she misses him as a person. Throw in what Aaron's part in the breakup was and, well. He won't be surprised if she's upset with him.

"We'll see," is all he manages, and Adam gives him the smile that Aaron hates that he loves so much, soft and understanding.

"She knows you love her, Aaron. And you know she'll always love you, too," he says gently. Aaron forces a smile, rubbing at the corner of his eye and nodding.

"Yeah, I know."

"Okay, well, just focus on that for now, alright? Now come on, what do you want to until she's heading back? Playstation? I'll even let you win," he cajoles, nudging Aaron in the side and easily avoiding Aaron's retaliatory swat.

"Yeah, right, you just want an excuse for when I wipe the floor with you like I always do," Aaron huffs. His first instinct is to ask to be left alone, to wall himself off, but he knows that he'd just use the solitude to emotionally flagellate himself and that being alone isn't the best thing for his health right now. He might deserve – _feel like you deserve, Aaron_ , he tries to remind himself – to feel like shit for what he's done, but he needs to keep a hold of his mental health. Stay stable. For everyone who loves him, but especially for his little sister.

So he says "yeah, go on then," and tries not to feel too bad for how relieved Adam looks.

He manages some semblance of relaxation, settling into the familiar rhythm of kicking Adam's ass (it _is_ familiar, okay, he always wins this often, Adam is definitely not letting him win) until hours have passed without him noticing and his phone buzzes. He drops his controller beside him and fishes his phone out of his pocket, letting Adam claim one of his few wins of the night.

 _u all over ur hangovers yet? is it safe to come home? :P_ , he's been sent from Liv, and he smiles fondly.

 _course. u heading back?_ , he sends back, and gets a reply of _yea, be there in a bit_ a few seconds later.

"She on her way back, then?" Adam asks, and he nods.

"Yeah. Listen, I'm not asking you to _leave_ , just-"

"You need some privacy, I get it," Adam finishes for him, already closing down the Playstation, and Aaron is hit with a rush of affection. He doesn't deserve someone who knows him so well, who goes out of his way to give him what he needs, but he wouldn't give it up for anything. He does owe it to Adam to make sure he's aware of how much Robert knows, though, he realises, so he clears his throat before Adam goes to leave.

"Adam, listen... I uh, I told Robert. About what I did. Not – not about you!" He rushes to add, when Adam's eyes widen. "I didn't – I wouldn't tell him about you. Just that... you know... that _I_ did. I thought that he deserved to know."

Adam relaxes, nodding slowly. "Okay. Well, if that's what you think is best. Only – you didn't tell him because he wasn't taking no for an answer?"

"No," Aaron says emphatically, not letting himself take the easy way out of letting Robert look like the only bad guy in all of this. "No, I just couldn't let him leave not knowing."

Adam scrutinises his face for a moment, then relaxes, apparently believing him.

"Right, I'll be in my room, then," he says, reaching out to give an affectionate squeeze to the back of Aaron's neck and then standing up from the couch. "It's going to be okay, Aaron," he assures him gently, heading off to his room before Aaron can respond.

"I hope so," Aaron mutters under his breath, tapping his phone nervously against his thigh. It's only about five minutes before there's the sound of a car in the driveway but he's probably given himself a bruise with the amount of times he's bounced his phone on his leg, too full of anxious energy to sit still but too nervous to concentrate on anything.

When Liv steps through the front door it's clear that she's had a good time; her lips are tilted up at the corners and her eyes are bright, and when she sees Aaron he's treated to a beaming smile that makes his own mouth curl up in response. He loves that she has this, that she has Gabby; she doesn't talk about it often, but he knows she's always had trouble making friends. Gabby taking her under her wing has made life in Emmerdale a lot happier for her, much the same way Adam's arrival had done for him, he thinks; but in this case, Gabby is as lucky as Liv is.

"Have a good time?" He asks lightly, pushing himself up, and she nods, tossing her bag aside and meeting him for a hug.

"It was fine," she says, trying and failing to sound nonchalant, and Aaron lets her keep her teenage pride, squeezing her tight and letting her go without comment.

"What about you guys?" She asks, and he hates himself for the way her carefree smile turns tense and hesitant at his awkward silence. "Oh. That bad? Did Robert and Adam have a fight?"

"Not exactly... um, look, we need to talk. Do you want to chuck your stuff in your room and then, uh," he gestures at the couch, nerves making his throat close up and his mouth bone dry. God, he just wants her to never have to stress over how Aaron is doing – and selfishly, even more than that, he never wants her to be angry at him. Even though he's angry at himself, even though he deserves to have everyone angry at him.

She ignores her bag and heads right for the couch, sitting tense, and he forces himself to follow, settling gingerly on the cushion next to her.

"What did he do?" She demands. "Are you okay?"

Aaron shakes his head, rubbing his hands up his face and through his hair.

"I'm fine, Liv. Listen, it's not... it's not just his fault. But we, um, we're... over. Officially." His heart twinges at the way she doesn't look surprised, just sits there with a solemn look, waiting for him to tell the whole story. He was meant to be providing her a home, a _stable_ home, and she wasn't even surprised that the man Aaron brought into the home as what was meant to be a permanent fixture was gone. God, but he wishes he was better for her.

Now's not the time for that self-pitying bullshit, though. Now's the time to explain himself, even though he would rather do anything but. She's just watching him quietly, waiting for him to keep going, eyebrows drawn and forehead creased in concern.

"Okay, um. You know that Adam's friend – Michael – he came over, as well, and uh, he didn't... make the best first impression on Robert. He made a joke, and Robert thought we were flirting, and he was... upset all night. Kicked off, when they left."

Liv is scowling, looking indignant.

"What, did he think _you_ were going to cheat on him?" She scoffs, and Aaron swallows convulsively, looking away and down to his lap. He doesn't see her expression change, but he can still feel it when she realises what his reaction means, can feel her tense up and pull away. "I – you wouldn't, Aaron. You wouldn't, right? Aaron?" He swallows convulsively, then makes himself look up and meet her eyes.

"Liv, I... I'm not going to pretend that what I did was okay. But it- it was once. And it was – it was a fuck up, I know it was, and I – I get it if people are angry at me. I get it if... if you are. But I didn't do it to hurt him and... Just – please, please know that I love you and it was. I never meant to – to make things any harder for you." The tears are finally coming now, a few escaping from the corner of his eyes and down his face at Liv's wide-eyed expression, at the way she's leaning away from him. She looks away, down at where her hands are twisting together, and he has to turn away, as well, looking to the side and swiping at his eyes. This isn't about making her feel bad for him, this is about making sure he's honest with his sister, so he forces himself to take deep breaths and keep calm.

They lapse into silence for what feels like an eternity, both staring down at their own laps, before Liv finally breaks the silence.

"Did you do it because you were angry at him? At Robert?" She asks quietly.

" _No_. No, I wasn't angry at him, it wasn't about Robert at all. It... I know it should have been. But it wasn't."

She goes quiet again for a moment, before asking another question.

"Do you love him? Not Robert. The one you..." she trails off, but it's obvious what she's asking.

It takes him a second to answer. He knows that Liv doesn't know _who_ it was, but it still feels like a lot to say it, feels like he's making himself too vulnerable. But he promised himself he'd be honest with her.

"Yeah," he admits hoarsely, truth burning his throat on its way out. "Yeah, I... I do."

"Then why didn't you just... just _leave_ first?" she demands, rubbing at her own eyes and sending another jolt of guilt through him. "Why didn't you just leave and get with this other guy?"

"If he was interested I probably would have, Liv," he says quietly, feeling her gaze on him but unable to make himself look at her. She considers him quietly for a few more long moments.

"You love him more than you loved Robert, then?" she asks finally, and Aaron sighs.

"It's... I don't... it's not as simple as that. I _do_ love Robert, it's just... We're too... We're not good for each other. Me and... It's easy, with..."

"With the other bloke," she finishes for him. Silence envelops them both again, Liv staring intently at her hands with a creased brow as Aaron tries to pretend he's not sneaking glances. He almost just wants her to blow up at him and get it over with, but when she finally looks up at him she doesn't look angry, just sad.

"Robert is a knob but he didn't deserve that, Aaron," she says quietly, and Aaron nods, fighting the tears burning his eyes, preparing for the worst, for her to leave. "But... well, at least you didn't just do it to get back at him. And it's not like me and Robert haven't ever messed up and... you know, you're my brother, and if it's between you and Robert then I'll choose you every time," she finishes in a rush, face going pink, and when she throws her arms around him he hauls her in tight, pressing his face into her hair as relief makes him lightheaded.

 _She doesn't hate me_ , he tells himself. _It's okay. She doesn't hate me._

"Does this mean we can throw out all of those awful decorations Robert picked?" she asks into his chest, startling a laugh out of him as he lets her go and gives her a fond look, grateful that she's ignoring his wet eyes.

"I think we should give him the chance to take them with him, Liv," he answers, and she sighs dramatically.

"I suppose so."

"Though maybe that weird statue thing can have an accident," he concedes, and she giggles, the awkwardness of his admittance already receding.

"God, I've been wanting to smash that thing since I first saw it," she says with an exaggerated shudder. Then, "Um, Aaron? Does Adam know yet?"

"Yeah, he came around this morning. He's just in his room. We were gonna chuck a movie on or something, if, uh, you want to join?" He offers, hoping that he's not pushing too soon, but she nods immediately.

"Sure." Her eyes glint mischievously then, and she gives him a cheeky smirk. "We'll be drinking, of course."

" _Me and Adam_ will be drinking," he corrects with a pointed look that she meets with a cherubic, wide-eyed grin. He manages to keep up his deadpan expression for about ten seconds before he breaks, rolling his eyes and standing up. " _One_ can," He concedes, ignoring Liv's victorious whoop and heading over to knock on Adam's door.

It swings open immediately, revealing Adam's hopeful face.

"It go well, then?"

"Didn't go bad," he replies, and Adam grins, gently shoving his shoulder.

"Ay, I told you, didn't I?"

"Yeah yeah," Aaron grumbles. "She's gonna join us, that's alright, yeah?"

"Course," Adam says as they head into the living room, nudging Aaron towards the couch while he heads to the kitchen.

"And one for me!" Liv calls while Adam is rummaging in the fridge, sticking her tongue out when Aaron swats her on the arm and tells her to say please. Which she doesn't, the little brat, but he still nods when Adam looks over questioningly. He's not above a bribe to speed along his sister completely forgiving him.

They chuck a movie on once Adam has settled on his other side, and he manages to relax into it, getting through a few cans with Adam while Liv works on hers and takes the piss out of the mindless action movie they've ended up watching. She's a little bit off, but Aaron didn't expect to be completely back in her good books already, and he appreciates her being there with them anyway – and she's being just as occasionally distant and scathing with Adam as she is with him, so he thinks he can put it down to her being upset by the situation in general.

She sticks around for the whole movie and agrees to watch the next one, anyway, which he takes as a good sign. He checks in on her, making sure she knows he won't be offended if she wants to head off to her room when Adam wanders away to order them some pizza ("You know you can just do that online, right?" Liv says with pure concentrated disdain when Adam gets his phone out to make the call, but this is faster and Aaron feels completely justified in their choice to do it the old fashioned way) but she assures him that she's here because she wants to be.

She certainly seems to still be comfortable around them, at any rate, because they're only halfway through the next movie before Aaron realises she's fallen asleep against the arm of the couch, breathing deep and even and her head tucked into the crook of her elbow. Adam notices what he's looking at and catches his eye, giving him a soft, fond smile that has his chest tight with affection for the both of them, and they wordlessly agree to leave her be for the remainder of the movie.

He's not drunk like Adam had promised/threatened they would end up tonight, but he's pleasantly tipsy, the alcohol encouraging the comfort of being around two of his favourite people to temporarily wipe the end of his relationship from his mind. Honestly, these past two days have been exhausting and he's close to following Liv's example and falling asleep on the couch, but he manages to make it through the rest of the movie – though he does spend nearly the whole last thirty minutes of the movie yawning.

"Headed for bed, then?" Adam asks as soon as the credits start, turning off the TV, and Aaron nods, wiping his eyes and leaning over to gently coax Liv awake. It takes a few attempts, but he manages to get her on her feet and off to bed with only minimal crumbling. It's only after she's shuffled off down the hall that he realises what going to bed means – going back to a room packed full of Robert's stuff, of their things mingled together, back to a bed that's too big for just him. It's going back to a stark reminder of everything he gave up today, and he doesn't think he can handle that right now.

"I've got everything handled in here, bro, you just go to bed," Adam says quietly when Aaron ventures back out into the living room, and he clears his throat uncomfortably, halfheartedly shrugging one shoulder.

"It's alright, mate, I'm, uh, I think I'm gonna kip on the couch tonight, anyway," he says. Adam looks at him in plain confusion for a second before his gaze flicks to the hallway and realisation hits.

"Aaron, come on, don't be daft, that's not a couch for sleeping on. Sleep in my room tonight. I promise I'll keep my hands to myself," he teases, and Aaron is so drained and tired that he almost says 'I'd rather you didn't' out loud. Now is _definitely_ not the time for all of that.

"Or I can take the couch, if you'd like, but you should be in a proper bed tonight, Aaron," Adam continues when Aaron takes too long to answer.

"No, that's... I'm fine with sharing. If you're sure."

"Of course I'm sure," Adam says. "Now go on, get set up, I'll deal with this-" he gestures to the mess of leftover pizza and beer cans- "and be in in a bit."

It's bad manners, but he is fucking exhausted, so he doesn't even put up a token protest, just nods, mumbles a "cheers," and gets ready for bed as quickly as he can before going into Adam's room and curling up under the covers. He's warm and comfortable, the clear presence of Adam even though he's not in the room yet makes him feel safe and content, and despite his attempts to stay awake long enough for Adam to get settled in he's asleep before Adam is even done in the living room.


	12. Chapter 12

Aaron is woken by the obnoxious buzzing of a phone's alarm, and he flails around trying to find the source without opening his eyes for a good few seconds before the noise stops and he realises that it was Adam's phone he was hearing, not his own.

It's another few seconds after that before his brain properly clicks into gear, and he remembers the position he was in when he woke up – Adam's chest pressed hot against his back, his head tucked against his shoulder – and jolts awake, the ghost of Adam's body warmth burning where they'd been touching. He keeps his head buried in his pillow, embarrassed even though he knows that there's not really any reason to be – it's not like _he_ was the one wrapped around Adam.

For his part, Adam seems unaware of or unbothered by how close they'd gotten during the night, flopping back onto the bed after a few seconds of checking his phone. He doesn't press back up against him – which Aaron is not at _all_ sad about, not even a tiny bit – but he's close enough for Aaron to feel his warmth as he stretches out and tries to steal a few more minutes of rest before work.

It's not the first time they've shared a bed – although it is the first time since they slept together – and it's not the first time he's woken up to Adam being an octopus, either. He'd wanted things to go back to normal between them and this, this was their normal. So Aaron lets himself follow Adam's lead and relaxes, the cozy bed and warm presence beside him nearly coaxing him back to sleep.

And then his own damn phone starts to go off out in the living room and he's forced to face the day, kicking the blanket off and hauling himself grumpily out of bed. He fishes his phone out from the side of the couch where he'd left it last night and stabs at the screen until the annoying ringing stops – he always forgets how much he despises that alarm tone until it's waking him up, but he's already resigned himself to not getting around to changing it today, like always.

He hadn't heard Adam move, but when he looks up he's nonetheless in the kitchen already popping the kettle on, looking over and smiling as Aaron makes his way over.

"Sleep alright?" he asks, and Aaron tilts his head noncommittally, scratching his hip, feeling vaguely embarrassed when Adam's eyes slide down to his hand and then back up, looking not entirely happy with that response.

"Look, Aaron," he says quietly, "I can handle work today, if you want to have a bit of time off. You know, have a bit of a rest. Or chuck some of his shit out, dump it in a box, throw a bit of a tantrum, whatever."

He's tempted to take Adam up on that, he really is, but just as much, he doesn't want to be on his own. His life has just changed in a massive way – his own fault, maybe, but it still makes his chest twist and the floor feel like it's constantly on the verge of crumbling under his feet. He wants to cling to everything that's solid, for now.

So he says, "Nah," as casually as he can, small smile making itself known as Adam hands him the cup of tea he'd automatically made the way he likes it. "I just want to get back into the swing of things, you know?"

"Fair enough," Adam accepts easily. "We'll swing by mum's and pick up Scrappy before we head to the scrapyard, though, she's already had her a day longer th- oh, morning, Liv," he says cheerfully as Liv shuffles into the room.

Aaron's heart sinks when she barely musters a grunt of recognition, not looking at either of them as she sweeps through the room and out the door, already ready for school and far too early for the bus. He swallows and looks down at his feet, teeth digging into his bottom lip, and Adam reaches out to rest a soothing hand on the back of his neck, thumb rubbing in tiny circles.

"Hey, it's okay," he says. "She'll be over it in no time. It'll be fine."

 

* * *

 

It isn't. Yeah, it doesn't get as bad as that morning again – when Liv gets home she's still quiet and grumpy, but she does respond when Aaron asks about her day, and sits and watches TV with him for a bit. No apology or explanation for the morning, of course, but Aaron lets that go; he knows from experience that it's a shitty thing she's going through right now. It's just... it doesn't get better than that, than short, mainly one-sided conversations or sitting quietly in the same room together. Usually when they're watching something they're still interacting with each other, talking shit about what's on or having good natured arguments, and to have that turn into slightly tense silence, it hurts.

To Aaron's continued bafflement, though, she has even more of an attitude with Adam than with him; he gets one word responses if he gets any at all, and she seems to be going out of her way to not be in the same room as him. Adam doesn't mention it and brushes it off when Aaron does, but he knows it can't be easy. He just doesn't know what to do about it – hell, he's not even sure what it's _about._ The only thing he can think of is that she's blaming Adam for the final fight over Michael, but it's not like that was the death blow to his relationship with Robert. Even poor Scrappy is feeling the uneasy vibe, sticking even closer than normal to Aaron or Adam and being very subdued.

As awkward as it can get in the house right now, though, he's spent the whole week since the breakup either there or at Holy Scrap. He loves Emmerdale and it's people but god, the gossip can get infuriating, and he's not going to put himself in the midst of it by going to the Woolpack or the cafe. He still isn't over the embarrassment of having to explain to his mum that no, actually, Robert wasn't lying, yes Aaron did, no he's not going to tell her who it was, it's none of her business, yes he's fine, he'll call her later, bye.

He doesn't call her back, of course, but she keeps checking up on him with calls and texts and, once, a call from Paddy that was clearly prompted by Chas's pushing. He wants to be annoyed by her not keeping her nose out, and he is, but he also knows she's just concerned about how he is and he can't hold it against her. He can't deny that it still feels good, a little bit, to have proof she cares.

Robert, on the other hand, is keeping up a stony, angry silence; he doesn't respond to Aaron's one, tentative text a few days letter asking him how he is and when he wants to come get his things, so Aaron backs off, assuming that Robert will contact him when he's ready. He doesn't know what Robert is doing about not having the things he's left behind, but then, it's not like he can't afford to just replace them.

And Adam – well, he's not sure whether Adam is happier about not having to deal with Robert or about having Aaron almost all to himself, but he is definitely pleased that Robert is gone. He's doing his best not to be obvious about it, but he's basically incapable of hiding his true feelings from anyone, least of all Aaron.

As for Aaron... he's almost still waiting to be hit by the full breadth of feelings that must be coming. He doesn't feel _good –_ his stomach rolls in anxiety at the frequent reminders of Robert around the house, he lies awake at night with guilt tight around his chest, he misses falling asleep with Robert warm against his back.

But at the same time he feels lighter. He doesn't have to carry the weight of his infidelity as a heavy secret now that it's out in the open. He doesn't have to immediately tense up when Rob and Adam are in the same room, doesn't have to play peacemaker between two grown adults. He doesn't have to stress about whether Robert thinks he's spending too much time without him, doesn't have to stress about Robert getting them both into some sort of trouble again, doesn't have to wonder what he's doing whenever he's gone with vague explanation. He didn't realise how exhausting it was to cling so _tightly_ to a relationship until he wasn't anymore.

Two feet landing with a thump on his thighs startles him out of his thoughts, and he twists around to glare at the owner of them who's giving him a bright grin.

"Get your dirty feet off me," he grouses. Adam shakes his head, making a show of stretching out and making himself comfortable.

"Nope. It's a Friday afternoon and we've got the house to ourselves, I'm not gonna let you sulk your way through quality Adam time."

"Quality is a bit of a stretch," Aaron mutters, prompting Adam to lift a foot and thump it down on Aaron's thigh again.

"I know you love me," he announces confidently, and Aaron snorts, hand automatically settling in a light grip around Adam's ankle. He is right, though; it's nice spending a lazy Friday night with Adam, the TV on as the background to the sort of effortless chatter that Aaron struggles so badly to keep up with most everyone else. There's nobody better at making a space feel warm and safe than Adam.

"You're doing okay? You know, really?" Adam asks later that night, breaking the comfortable silence that has been settled around them for some time. He realises that Adam has been watching him rather than the TV for a while, and turns his head to meet his gaze. Adam's not looking at him like he's fragile, like he's worried Aaron is going to break; he looks thoughtful, soft.

"Yeah," Aaron says after a moment of thought. "Yeah, I am. Kind of shit of me, innit? I cheated on my boyfriend and just had a blow up fight that ended us, and I don't even... I miss him, I do, I just... I don't think I miss being with him."

"That doesn't make you a shit person, Aaron, that makes you a person who's just gotten out of a shit relationship. And yeah, I know," he adds before Aaron can cut in. "I know you don't want me talking crap about him, and I won't, but you two together wasn't working for either of you. You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy more often than they don't."

Aaron makes a noise that could be interpreted as agreement – it's a nice thought, but Aaron isn't entirely sure it's realistic. Robert might have done his fair share of fucking up, but so had Aaron. He's not sure that he's even _capable_ of being happy with someone more often than he's not, not sure if he's capable of not self sabotaging and being affected by things that are only problems in his head. He'd spent at least as much time anxiously anticipating a foul mood or backfiring scheme that had never come to pass as he had being upset about things Robert had actually done.

Adam almost certainly knows that Aaron doesn't completely agree, but he doesn't push, instead resting his hand on the back of Aaron's neck and looking at him seriously.

"I just want you to be happy," he says softly, and then he's leaning in, and Aaron's heartbeat jolts, and they're kissing, and he's pressed against the arm of the couch and Adam is making soft noises into his mouth and he's burning up in the best way and Adam's back is hot against the palm of his hand- and then common sense catches up.

He twists his head to the side and sucks in a deep breath, trying to clear the visceral _want_ from his head. Adam immediately pushes up and out of Aaron's personal space, looking concerned.

"Fuck, Aaron, I'm sorry-" he starts, but Aaron cuts in.

"No, no, Adam, it's – I just – I can't do this. Not right now." It sucks to say, because god, he wants to. He wants to grab Adam by the collar and pull him in and take whatever he's willing to give. But he's still feeling raw and lonely and he knows that if he lets himself fall into bed with Adam again, he's very quickly going to start aching for more than Adam wants. He knows he's not going to be able to be content with just sharing his bed. He knows Adam wouldn't want Aaron hurting himself like that, if he knew.

"It's okay," Adam assures him quickly, face red and avoiding Aaron's eyes. "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't have- that was stupid of me. I know it's only been a week. I can go, if you-"

"No," Aaron says firmly, chest squeezing tight at the thought of Adam withdrawing. "No, we're fine, it was just... a miscommunication. We can just forget it. We're fine." It's meant to be a statement, but it comes out hesitant, as a question, and he's relieved when Adam softens and he meets Aaron's eyes again.

"Of course we are," he says. "We'll always be fine, you and me. No matter what."

 

* * *

 

This time, he's right. That night is a little bit awkward, residual tension in the air, but the next morning Adam is handing him tea with a grin like nothing happened.

"I'm gonna go see Michael today," Adam mentions offhandedly over breakfast – Liv, of course, is nowhere to be found with Adam in the room. "You want to come, too?"

"Nah. I'll spend some time with Liv, get her out of her room." He is intending on doing that – it's been a week and she's shown no sign of warming back up to Adam, he thinks it's time for a talk - but he's also not so blind that he doesn't know what Adam's underlying intentions are. He'd rather not be there uncomfortably aware that he's cockblocking Michael, no matter that he's sure they'd both be fine with him being there.

"Suit yourself," Adam says with a shrug. They have a lazy morning together, but before Aaron knows it Adam has gotten ready and left, and he has nothing else from stopping him confronting his upset little sister.

"Gotta do it some time," he mutters to himself, and walks down the hall.

He knocks gently on her door and nudges it open, leaning uncomfortably on the doorway as Liv glances up and then looks back down to her laptop.

"Hey. Can we talk?"

She shrugs, but she does shuffle over to make room, so he steps in and settles carefully on the bed next to her.

"Look, Liv... what's going on? I'm – we both – well, you're not making much of a secret that you're pissed at Adam. Is it... is it because he brought Michael over? Because if it is, Liv, it wasn't Michael's fault me and Robert are over. It's not Adam's, either. If you're going to be angry at anyone about that, it should be me, not Adam."

"I _am_ angry at you. I'm just – I'm angry at him more. I'm not upset that you and Robert are over – he's a douche anyway and I'm glad to see the back of him. I'm angry that you let him use you to figure himself out, and fucked him while you were with Robert even though you would never have done that with anyone else, and I'm _really_ angry that he made you do that!" She's clearly been holding that in for a while, starting off quiet and glowering down at her lap but building to an angry yell as she twists around to face him.

He can feel his face bloom bright red and makes a flustered, choked noise.

"That's – I – what are you talking about!?"

She throws him a disdainful sneer, brief burst of angry energy quickly replaced with sullen lethargy.

"It's pretty _obvious_ , Aaron," she mutters. "Who _else_ would you cheat on Robert with? Who else would you be _in_ _love_ with?"

He swallows, need to be truthful with his sister warring with his need to protect Adam. But... not expounding on something is different from telling her to her face that she's wrong when she's not. He can't just lie to her.

"I... look, Liv, you're not... Okay, yeah, it was Adam, but it really wasn't like that, okay? He didn't _take advantage_ of me, he didn't use me, we both knew exactly what was happening. It was me who fucked up and did something I never should have done. I don't want you to be angry at me, of course I don't, just... I don't want you being angry at Adam for something _I_ did, yeah? I'm not... I try, god, I do, but I'm gonna fuck up sometimes, and it's okay to be upset with me. I'm not perfect."

"I already knew _that_ ," she snorts, but her shoulders aren't nearly as tense as when he first came in, and when he shoves her gently with a faux-offended "Oi," she sticks her tongue out at him while fighting a smile.

"Is that... are we good?" He asks, after they settle down. He really doesn't want to get into the specifics of his sex life with his little sister, but he feels a bit ill at the realisation that she had been genuinely concerned that he'd been – taken advantage of, that he'd been hurt like that, that _Adam_ would have hurt him like that. That she'd been struggling with that suspicion by herself. She shouldn't ever have to worry about that again, and he's willing to have an awkward conversation so she doesn't.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, I just... I know you'd do a lot for Adam and I was... I was just worried."

He smiles and drapes his arm around her shoulder, pulling her to his side and smiling wider when she curls into him.

"It's alright. But, listen, it's not your job to worry about me, okay? It's my job to worry about you, not the other way around. If you're worried about something, talk to me, yeah? No matter what it's about, you can talk to me."

She nods against his shoulder. He's not convinced she'll have immediately stopped her propensity to take on more than she should, but that's okay. They'll have this conversation as many times as they need to.

For now, it's enough that the most important people in his life are okay.


	13. Chapter 13

The mood around the house is noticeably lighter after Aaron and Liv have their talk. Liv's shortness with Adam has settled back down to the occasional teenage surliness, and Adam moves past the early, badly hidden glee of Robert's departure to an easy comfort in their new little household. The word  _family_  hovers insistently on the edge of his mind, maddening and tantalising in equal measure, the way things always have been with Adam. It feels natural, sharing his living space with him, seeing him every day for most of the day and not finding himself itching to get some space. It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that it will always be like this, that him and Adam will be this entwined with one another for the rest of their lives, that Aaron could be enough to make him happy for that long. Some nights it takes everything he has not to crawl into Adam's bed, ask him if his offer of messing about is still on the table, and sink himself into the impossible fantasy of having Adam in all the ways he wants him. He knows that it would just make everything hurt that much more when the fantasy falls down around him but god, sometimes it really feels like it would be worth it.

Not that it's perfect. Aaron wouldn't know what to do with completely  _perfect_ , if he's being entirely honest with himself - knowing him he'd find some way to spectacularly ruin it. Adam is bolshy and loud and annoying sometimes, Aaron knows he can be frustratingly sullen and quiet, and Liv butting heads with either or both of them isn’t unheard of. But it's refreshing - in a way that always sends a twinge of guilt shooting through him, whenever he feels himself enjoying Robert's absence too much - to know that all the little spats and snipes won't last. 

That Adam giving up on trying to talk to him, when everything feels too loud and too much and he can't manage to force himself to pay proper attention to what he's saying, means that Adam might march off to his room in frustration but won't mean that Adam will hold onto that all day - come dinner they'll both be over it. That if he's finding Adam particularly annoying and snaps at him, Adam will bristle and Aaron will be in a bit of a foul mood for a while, but he'll lose the annoyance and Adam won't hold it against him. That Liv might get annoyed at Adam or Aaron for being nosy or hogging the tv, but they'll all have calmed down and gotten over it in no time at all. That all the little annoyances and arguments that come hand in hand with living with other people won't be tallied up or held onto. That he doesn't have to anxiously anticipate them because they don't have to ruin the entire day. 

Of course, just because he doesn't have to doesn't mean he manages not to; his tendency to worry and makes things worse in his head than they could ever be in reality isn't something he's ever had an easy time turning off. The atmosphere in the house might be relaxed and easy, but his mind is far from settled. Robert's absence, and therefore the absence of their strained relationship and all the secrets and lies and betrayals weighed them down from the beginning, is a burden finally off both of their shoulders. But it's just as much a knife of loss in the chest.

There's no getting away from reminders of Robert in this house; his influence runs through it in his things still dotting the landscape, and in the décor - all the things Robert had picked out with tastes always far more exacting than Aaron's. Aaron's few texts to Robert since the breakup are still unanswered, and he hasn't been able to bring himself to start taking down and packing away Robert's things - both because he doesn't know what Robert wants done with them and because as much as he knows it's the right decision for them both, it still feels scarily final to actually get rid of the reminders of Robert's presence. 

He finds himself lying awake most nights, guilt and the pressure of missing Robert making his chest tight, the absence of his warm body in bed next to him made all the more glaring by the way the room still feels so much like  _their_  room, rather than  _his_  room. Some of those nights he feels sick with guilt, others all he feels is the dull ache of missing him. Others still he's bitter and angry, at himself and at Robert, going over and over all of the painful low points of their relationship until he feels ill with self-loathing and he's not sure if it's love he feels for Robert or hatred. 

It's just too much, lying there surrounded by memories and with nothing to do but ruminate on them, so he's taken to slipping quietly into the living room when he knows Liv and Adam are asleep and putting the TV on low. He watches mindless television with aching eyes for hours until he's tired enough to drag himself back to bed and fall asleep immediately, or he nods off in front of the TV, curled into the arm of the couch. His alarm is set earlier than Adam or Liv's, so he's up and about by the time they stir, and he's confident that they don't know how much trouble he's having sleeping. It's impossible to hide the circles under his eyes or the general miasma of fatigue he knows surrounds him most of the time, but he's hoping they're attributing that to generic post-break-up wallowing.

It's going on a week of restless nights and dozing on the couch when that hope is inevitably proven fruitless by Adam sinking into the couch next to him in the early morning, startling Aaron out of his half doze.

"Sorry," Adam murmurs quietly, looking sleep rumpled and only half awake himself. "Didn't mean to scare you. Just seeing if you're alright." 

"I'm fine," Aaron says, lie sliding off tongue with practiced ease. "I must’ve fallen asleep trying to finish my program, is all," he finishes with an apologetic shrug. Adam just shakes his head, the look of gentle pity on his face managing to rankle and make his heart skip a beat at the same time.

"You know you can talk to me, Aaron," he says. "You've been out here every night for a week, at least. It's Robert, yeah? I know I was never his biggest fan, but you can talk to me about missing him, Aaron, I'm not gonna slag him off instead of listening." Adam's gaze is earnest and worried, and Aaron can't hold it, looking down at his lap and fighting the wave of guilt that washes over him. He really needs to learn not to underestimate how much Adam sees when he cares to.

"I know, Adam. It's just... it's just hard, you know. Being in ou- what used to be our room, with him not there. It's just easier to be out here, for now." 

Adam nods, not looking completely assured but not looking as worried as he had been. 

"And... that's all?" He presses, looking reluctant to even ask, and Aaron nods.

"Yes, Adam. I'm not - I'm not doing anything stupid, or thinking about it. I just need to get used to being single again, okay? You don't have to worry." That's not entirely true; he's not sure if he'll ever get to a point where thinking about doing something stupid is completely in the past, but he's not back to where the urge was a need rather than a whisper in his ear when he's especially down, and getting into the difference isn't something he feels up to. 

There's enough truth in it that it seems to have calmed Adam, anyway, because his shoulders relax and he leans back onto his arm of the couch. 

"Okay. Do you want to talk about him? I promise to only point out what an asshole he is if you do first," Adam says with a grin. Aaron shoots him an unimpressed look for breaking his promise in the same sentence as he's making it. 

"No. Maybe when it's not so recent, but I just need to be somewhere other than that room right now."

"You can stay in mine," Adam offers immediately. "Just to sleep," he adds awkwardly when Aaron hesitates.

"No, I know. I'd rather stay out here, still." He can't lie, it is tempting - Adam's simple presence does wonders for Aaron's nerves most of the time. But it's tempting in the way that his earlier offer was, where he can feel himself slipping into impossible hopes that will hurt more than anything when the truth comes crashing in the way it always does. Spending the night in Adam's bed again is only going to hurt his resolve to keep their physical relationship on hold.

Adam nods his understanding, rubbing at his eyes, and Aaron readies himself for solitude and to settle back into the numb doze he'd been managing before. Instead, Adam wiggles about on the couch so that he's got his back propped against the couch arm and his legs are kicked up on the cushion next to Aaron's knees.

"What's on, then?" He asks, managing to make it an easy out for Aaron even though his actual words would suggest the opposite, and Aaron can't completely fight the smile that pulls at his mouth.

Sharing a bed is too much, too intimate, for him right now. But spending some time out here, Adam there but with some of that distance between them he needs to enforce right now - he's not going to say no a second time.

"You're not getting the remote," he answers, leaning back so that he's comfortable and pulling said remote to his chest. Adam rolls his eyes, pleased smile nullifying any effect that might have had, and gently taps Aaron's knee with his foot.

Aaron does feel bad for inadvertently pulling Adam from bed, and for worrying him; but it's not easy for negative emotions to get a hold when Adam is right there, and soon he's drifting into a sleep that's easier than any rest has been since the last time he shared a room with Adam.

***

He does, however, manage to hold onto the guilt when he wakes up to Adam still on the couch with him, stirring from an uncomfortable looking position at the sound of Aaron's alarm.

"You didn't have to stay out here, mate," he says quietly as Adam rolls his head with a yawn.

"S'alright," Adam says with a shake of his head. "Not the first time I've had a kip on the couch. ‘Least this time I was here on purpose and not kicked out of bed.

"I'll put the kettle on," Aaron offers instead of an apology, and then hesitates. "Look, Adam... Thanks. For staying out here with me."

"It's never a problem, mate," Adam says, pushing up and hugging him tight for a brief moment before pulling away with a clap on the back. "Right, I'm gonna go take a piss while you make me a cuppa." 

"Lovely," Aaron says with a snort, but there's a cup waiting for Adam on the counter when he shuffles back into the kitchen, and the smile he gets in return settles warm and content in his chest.

***

Aaron has ventured out into the village again in the past week - he never likes displaying himself for everyone's scrutiny after a disaster that will have spread through the village approximately five seconds after he did it, but he can't be a hermit forever, as much as he'd like to. Thankfully, he's far from the only one here prone to generating gossip, and by the time he sticks his head above the parapet his break-up is vying with Ross's most recent fuck-up for news of the moment. (Aaron doesn't care enough to pay attention to the specifics, but he does know that his brother wants his head on a stick. Which brother, he couldn't tell you.) 

He gets the exact amount of loud silences and paused conversations as he was expecting, but he's surprised at the occasional sympathetic looks - Moira's small smile and gentle hand on his arm as he walks past her going into David's, David himself giving him a sympathetic grimace as he runs Aaron's few items through and Aaron studiously avoids eye contact. It's not what he was expecting.

It's not like he thought he was going to be raked over the coals, exactly; 99% of the people in Emmerdale don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to being unfaithful, and Robert is hardly a universally beloved figure. He wasn't expecting to be pitied, though, and he doesn't think he likes it. It feels like an unwarranted stab at Robert and an insult to his character at the same time, as if Robert deserved it and as if cheating is something unsurprising from Aaron. He knows he doesn't exactly have a right to be insulted - he  _did_ , after all, cheat on Robert, and he knows the fact he wouldn't do it with anyone other than Adam doesn't make it alright. It still feels like he might have cheated, but he's not a  _cheater,_  even as he knows that that's exactly what cheaters say.

The bit he doesn't even want to tackle right now is the way he can tell they think the combustion of his relationship was inevitable - and that to do what he did, Robert must have done the same or worse. He's torn between indignation on Robert's behalf and the growing lack of surety he feels that Robert hadn't or wouldn't. Thinking too hard on it threatens to send him into that familiar spiral of guilt and anger, so he shoves all of his conflicting thoughts down and turns to hurry out and back home.

Which, of course, is when he locks eyes with a startled, and then furious, Victoria.

Her jaw clenches, and Aaron can't bear to look her in the eyes, ducking his head and scrubbing a nervous hand across his mouth. There's awkward silence for a few seconds, as Victoria fixes him with a cold gaze and Aaron tries to decide whether it would be better to wait for her to say her piece or to excuse himself.

"I thought you were better than that," is what she finally says. The disappointment in her voice hurts even more than the anger does, and he swallows heavily, heart pounding in his chest and heat prickling up his neck.

"So did I," he manages after clearing his throat, hoping desperately that she can hear how genuinely sorry he is, how much he means it. He might still not be able to bring himself to regret being with Adam, but he really does regret that he let it happen in a way that hurt other people. 

She shakes her head, mouth twisted in distaste, and walks past him without saying anything more. He takes the chance and leaves as quickly as he can without looking like he's running - which, of course, he absolutely is, but he doesn't want to telegraph that fact. 

***

"Alright?" Adam asks when Aaron lets himself back in. He grimaces.

"Ran into Vic."

"Ah," Adam says in sympathy. "She's not very happy right now, but she'll get over it, you know she will. She can't hold a grudge. I mean, she's forgiven Robert for worse who knows how many times, right?"

Aaron sighs, dropping into the chair next to Adam and leaning forward onto the table, propping his head on his hands. 

"Yeah, I s'pose. Doesn't feel good, though." 

Adam nods, rubbing a hand along Aaron's shoulders and staying silent, letting Aaron decompress.

"Liv not back yet?" Aaron asks after a few minutes of relaxing into Adam's touch. Adam leaves him with a final squeeze of his shoulder, leaning back properly into his own chair and shaking his head.

"Nah. She'll probably be back as soon as the food is ready," he replies with a grin, and Aaron rolls his eyes. He's probably not wrong, though, he has to admit. 

He's about to get up and put away the bags he'd left by the door before Scrappy gets her nose in, but he stills in his seat when he catches Adam looking at him like he's trying to find the words to say something. 

"What's wrong?" He asks, unable to help the vague paranoia scratching at the back of his mind that he's managed to piss Adam off somehow.

"Nothing," Adam hastens to say, but then hesitates. "It's only- I wanted to know- well, it's not the right time, I know it's not. Sorry. I don't want to push it., just forget I said anything." The vagueness only serves to feed Aaron's paranoia, brain scouring his memories for anything he might have done to piss Adam off.

"You can't just say that and leave it," he protests, paranoia amping up. "Come on, it's fine, what is it?" 

Adam rubs a thumb across the knuckles of his other hand, uncharacteristically flustered.

"Well. Look, this is no pressure, okay? You don't have to make a decision now or anything. It's just that, well, I- I need to know whether to start trying to get over it, you know? I know you're not ready now, I know that, Robert's stuff isn't even out of the house yet and rushing you is the last thing I want. But... I know you're not ready  _now_ , but do you think... Do you think that there could be a time where you are? When we could think about trying? Or should I just... accept that I completely ballsed it up and missed my chance?"

Adam's face is red and he's having trouble holding Aaron's gaze, eyes flicking from Aaron to his hands to the couch and everywhere else. It's clearly making him uncomfortable, putting himself out there like this, and Aaron feels a bit sick at the prospect of attempting to let him down without putting his foot in it. Nobody could ever accuse Aaron of being graceful in conversations at the best of times, and the last thing he wants to do is make Adam feel like he's done something wrong.

But Aaron just... he just can't. Rule number one of friends with benefits situations is not to fall in love, and Aaron's had that rule broken since he was a scared and angry 18-year-old.

"Adam," he starts, chest squeezing at Adam's wince. "I'm- it's- it's not that it's not, um, tempting," he stutters. "I just- I just don't- I don't think I can, mate. I can't... mess about with you when I'm- when I know that I'd end up wanting more than you'd want to give." Aaron's love for Adam is an open secret, he knows that; he wasn't exactly the most subtle of people, back before he left Emmerdale the first time. He also knows that everyone assumes that he's been over it for years, and he can't bring himself to say the words out loud, right to Adam's face - bad enough he has to admit to him that he's not as over it as everyone thinks. 

Adam has gone still, nervous fidgeting halted, and he's managed to find Aaron's gaze again - although this time it's Aaron who breaks it, face and neck burning with embarrassment. Adam's face is blank, like it's impossible for him to process what Aaron's just said. He goes to speak a few times, the silence becoming more uncomfortable the more times he closes his mouth to try and process some more, and Aaron is afraid his heart is going to burst right out of his rib cage. 

"Aaron," he says finally, voice so gentle and careful that Aaron wants to curl into a ball of mortification and find a nice hole to die in. "Is... is that what you think this has been about this whole time? Me wanting us to... to be fuckbuddies, or something?"

That... wasn't the reaction he expected. He didn't think this uncomfortable conversation could get any worse, but the anxiety ratchets up to panic, his chest in a vice and heat flooding out through his chest. 

_ 'You can't have misread the situation that badly', _  he insists to himself, forcing his breath to come in an even rhythm and not the panicked pants he wants to be using. Memories of Adam's mouth on his, of his hands on Aaron's face, his neck, his hips, shuffle through his head as his mind desperately tries to reassure itself that none of it was imagined, that Adam can't want _nothing_ with him. ' _He just wants one more go, is what he meant, he didn't want to make a big deal of it,'_  he tells himself, grasping for the answer that hurts the least. 

' _He wants more too'._  That maddeningly hopeful whisper of a thoughthe refuses to give any consideration, barely even letting his mind light on it before shoving it away. If he so much as lets the words fully form in his head, the next words out of Adam's mouth might very well kill him when they aren't want he wants to hear.

"Fucksake, Aaron," Adam says after a few seconds of Aaron silently avoiding his eyes and nervously toying with the hem of his shirt. "I never- I thought you  _knew_ , Jesus, nobody else was even  _surprised._ I didn't even realise I'd never said it in so many words, I just... I just thought you knew what I meant." He shakes his head. "Aaron. Hey, Aaron, look at me, okay?" His voice is warm and firm, with no hint of derision, so Aaron forces his gaze up, meeting Adam's. 

He looks almost unbearably fond and a little bit nervous, twisted around on his seat to face Aaron and leaning forward. 

"I'm in love with you, you knob." There's no sign of this being a lie on his features no matter how hard Aaron looks for it, Adam's face open and genuine. The panic is easing, heart settling into a more normal beat, but he's not sure he's feeling better. He doesn't feel like he always imagined he would after hearing that from Adam. It all feels fuzzy with disbelief, as he waits for the other shoe to drop, for this to be snatched away. There's no way he's getting everything he's wanted for so long so easily, not after everything he's done, not with who he is, not when Adam's Adam and he's...  _him_.

"I have been since you were a mouthy little chav who hated everyone," Adam continues. "It was always easier to be your friend, to not confront it, and then you were gone and I thought I was over it, but you came back and by the time I realised I wasn't Robert was in the picture and... god, I know I fucked this whole thing up, Aaron, I really do and I hate myself for it. I know we shouldn't've done anything while we were both with someone else. I didn't want that to be how we started, but... I  _did_  want us to start. I do. And I know that you're not ready now, I know Robert meant a lot to you. I don't expect you to get over him in a few weeks. And me wanting you, that had nothing- well, okay, it had a bit. It had a bit to do with me not wanting you two together. But all I want is for you to be happy, Aaron, and if that has to be with someone other than me, it'll suck for a bit but I'll be happy for you. I will. But I need to know if you think there's a chance we  _could_  be together, when you're ready." 

Adam has been building up speed the whole time he's been talking, nerves getting the better of him as he stumbles over explaining himself, eyes wide with slightly manic hope and affection. There's a brief pause, Adam's gaze equal parts hopeful and scared, and Aaron tries to find something to say. As much as he'd wished for this, he'd never considered it realistic enough to have anything prepared to actually  _say._ He's having a hard enough time comprehending the idea that Adam might want a relationship with him - he's not sure he's even capable of speech right now. But he can't stand the nerves Adam is telegraphing and the idea that he might think that this could ever be something Aaron doesn't want, and he can see Adam about to start rambling again.

So he grabs Adam by the shirt and pulls him in.

He's not graceful about it. His heart is still hammering, the earlier panic feeding the building, exhilarated awareness that Adam does mean it, and he's shaky because of it, limbs feeling too light and clumsy. But it doesn't matter, because Adam is gasping into his mouth, his hands come up to cup Aaron's face, his skin is hot under Aaron's hand when he slides it around to grasp at the back of his neck. He knows his fingers are digging into Adam's skin, that he's clinging a bit too tight, but Adam's grip on him is just as firm and desperate, and they're both reluctant to separate enough to breath properly, managing quick pants of air before their lips meet again. It's all so much, and it's good and what he's wanted for so long but it's almost too much at once, his body not knowing what to do with his pounding heart and sharp breathing. He's teetering on the edge of panic, and it's not helped by the guilt that he can't shake, Robert's hurt and anger hovering on the edge of his mind. He can't bring himself to stop even when he starts to tip over the edge, torn between how good it feels around the panic and the fear of it all being taken away once he does, but Adam makes the decision for him, breaking the kiss and leaning back, panting. 

"Sorry," Aaron gasps immediately, knowing that Adam could feel his panic. "Sorry, I want- I do, I want this, it's only-"

"I know," Adam reassures him. "I know, it's okay. I don't expect us to jump into it. When you're ready, though... we can make a go of it, yeah?"

The nervousness on Adam's face doesn't belong there, and Aaron can hardly believe he's the reason for it; as if Aaron could ever have anything other to say than yes.

"Yeah," he agrees, a nervous, giddy grin spreading across his face that he can see mirrored on Adam's. "Yeah, that's- I'd really like that." It feels like an incredibly lame way to respond, his normal lack of eloquence on full display, but it still manages to make Adam beam at him, easing the lingering panic in Aaron chest even as he grins back. 

"Well. We should probably start dinner," Adam says, smile still brightening his face. "I'll go get it started." 

"Yeah, alright," Aaron says. Adam stands and hesitates, before dipping forward to press one last, quick kiss to Aaron's mouth and then heading into the kitchen with a bounce in his step. 

Aaron's earlier panic has largely been replaced by giddy exhilaration - he can't keep the smile off his face as he watches Adam cheerful bustle about in the kitchen, and he has to press a hand to his mouth to deal with the lingering warmth of Adam's kiss. He still doesn't completely believe any of this actually happened, and he's definitely not convinced it's going to last. But god, does it feel good right now, and he lets himself luxuriate in that.

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he fishes it out, assuming it's Liv letting him know she won't be home for dinner - a good thing they started making it late, then, he thinks, flicking it on. 

Just like that, he's yanked back to reality.  _'Robert'_  sits heavy on the notification, and the blaring reminder of what Aaron has betrayed to get here makes him feel like he's been doused in cold water, his heart sitting heavy in his chest. He opens the notification reluctantly, not sure if he wants Robert to be furious with him or cold, and the messages sends a nervous jolt of energy through his chest. 

_ 'We need to talk.’ _


	14. Chapter 14

A chance to talk with Robert is what he's been wanting for weeks; it's what needs to happen. They need to put things behind them and move on, and that's never going to happen without a real, serious conversation. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the fact that he has to actually  _have_  that conversation. A part of him - a large part of him, if he's being honest - wants to just skip the whole breaking up part of, well, breaking up, jumping to the point where they're okay seeing each other around the village and their lives are completely separate without needing to actual  _separate_  from Robert.

That's an impossibility, though, so when the next text comes through -  _Come to Vic's tomorrow, midday_  - he makes himself send a reply agreeing to meet. They need this. Hadn't he been having a breakdown this past week over having so many reminders of Robert in the house? He can hardly get rid of Robert's things without talking to him first. His previous almost giddy good mood has been thoroughly doused, and it doesn't take long for Adam to pick up on it, pausing in the middle of asking Aaron to peel some potatoes and giving him an uncertain look.

"Everything alright?" Adam asks, and Aaron drags his gaze away from his phone, giving him a weak smile.

"Yeah, it's fine. Just- Robert's texted."

"Oh." Adam manages to look relieved and concerned all at once. "He's not hassling you, is he?"

"No, nothing like that. He wants to talk to me tomorrow, is all. I'll go see him, we'll get everything sorted and all of us can properly start to move on. "

Adam hums in agreement.

"When're you going to see him?"

"He wants to see me at midday, so I was going to go while we're on lunch." He hesitates. "Well, I don't know how long it will take. Maybe I should see if we can do it after work's done for the day."

"No, mate, it's fine. Take as long as you need, we'll all feel better when you two've got everything sorted." Aaron suspects that Adam doesn't care whether Robert is included in that 'we', but he's not saying it out loud so Aaron lets it go. 

"Sorry," Aaron says, apologising for leaving Adam to work on his own and for deflating their previous elated mood and for still being so affected by a relationship that was dead as soon as it started.

"It's  _fine,_ Aaron," he says, looking pained and fond. "Seriously, okay? Now come on, get off your ass and help me with dinner." 

"You've got a one-track mind, you," Aaron grumbles, but he gets up and starts on helping. Adam squeezes his shoulder affectionately before continuing on his own part of the cooking. The upcoming meeting with Robert doesn't seem to have put a damper on his mood like it's shaken Aaron's. Aaron keeps catching him sneaking looks and smiling down at whatever he's doing, and he can't help but absorb Adam's happiness, the anxiety over tomorrow loosening. It's easy and domestic, moving around Adam in the kitchen, and he keeps catching himself and remembering that he has a real chance at keeping this. The casual domesticity does wonders for easing his nerves and makes it near impossible to keep a little smile off his face. Between that and him and Adam exchanging small glances he half feels like that teenager with his first real friend again. 

The rest of the night is uneventful; Liv turns up right when they're serving up, and they while away the time spread out on the couches, Liv curled around her laptop and Scrappy snuffling into the cushions (if there's one good thing about Robert not being here, it's that Aaron now has free reign to let the dog onto all of the furniture). He's a little bit nervous that him and Adam are being blatantly obvious about what happened today - the affectionate press of Adam's knee against his feels molten hot, and the pleased looks Adam keeps giving him make heat drip down his spine like syrup. If she notices, though, she doesn't show it, appearing much more interested in tapping away at her computer than she is in anything they're doing. 

It feels too early when they call it a night and everyone settles in to bed, but sleep comes to him quicker and easier than it has in a long, long time.

 

***

 

He's a ball of nervous energy all of the next morning. He keeps catching himself bouncing his leg and biting at his nails, and he gets pretty much no actual work done. Adam doesn't say anything about it, but he knows he's being annoying, and it's probably a relief for Adam when midday approaches and Aaron has to force himself reluctantly out the door and towards Vic's. 

If it is, though, he doesn't show it. He follows Aaron to his car, and smiles at him reassuringly when Aaron fidgets nervously next to the door and tries to make himself get in.

"You're dealt with him for years, Aaron," he says. "You know he's not perfect and he's got no room for giving you any shit, so don't let him make you feel awful, alright? And if he starts anything, just give me a call and I'll go down there and give him a few well deserved smacks." Aaron raises his eyebrows.

"I'm not doing that. And  _you're_  not doing that." Adam just shrugs and smiles. 

"Not if he behaves himself."

"Not at all," Aaron says sternly, pulling his door open, aware that Adam is messing with him but feeling obligated to make his stance clear anyway. "I can fight my own battles, Adam, I don't need you going and getting yourself sent down for assault because Robert got mouthy." 

"I know you can," Adam says, genuine gaze almost making up for the way he's sidestepped the last half of Aaron's sentence. "Now go on, get it done and I'll get you a pint when you get back." 

"You just want an excuse to skive off work," Aaron grouses, but Adam's parting laugh and affectionate thump to the roof of the car make his heart feel a bit lighter in his chest as he turns the key and heads off.

The drive over, short though it is, is unfortunately plenty of time for the anxiety to come back in full force. It takes more effort than it should to leave the relative safety of his car, but leave he does, walking reluctantly up to the door and giving it a few quick knocks. It's almost a disappointment when the door swings open, but he can't deny how good it feels to see Robert again, in a bittersweet way that makes his stomach twist. 

He looks just as put together as he usually does, standing slightly tense and aloof, but he nods at Aaron's flustered "Hey" and inclines his head into the house. He doesn't bother inviting Aaron in, walking to the living room with the clear expectation that Aaron will follow him, so Aaron tugs the door closed and shuffles uncomfortably after him, studying the familiar curve of Robert's shoulders. He doesn't know if he's happy that Robert seems to be dealing with this well or if he's disappointed that it doesn't seem to have affected Robert as much as it has been affecting Aaron. He knows it's selfish of him, but it hurts a little bit, to think something that would have floored Aaron for months is so easy for Robert to shake off.

At the same time, seeing Robert again just drives home exactly how much he's missed him. Robert hasn't even  _done_ anything yet, hasn't even said a word, but Aaron still has to fight the urge to drop to his knees and grovel so that Robert will let that stony mask slip and give Aaron a glimpse of the Robert he spent so long with. It almost makes him glad that he fucked up their relationship so spectacularly, as awful as that is of him, because if Robert tried to get him back Aaron's not sure he's strong enough to say no, despite knowing they'd only end up right back at square one again. 

"Look, Robert," he says immediately after perching awkwardly on the chair across from him. "I've been trying to give you space, but I hope you know that I- I regret what I did so much,  _so much_ , it's the stupidest thing I've ever done. I know that nothing I could say would make up for it, but... I'm so sorry."

Robert regards him with that sickeningly cool expression, and Aaron is embarrassed to feel tears already starting to sting his eyes, shame prickling at his skin. He finally sighs, rubbing his thumb along the bridge of his nose, and when he looks back at Aaron his gaze is softer. He looks tired all of a sudden, and the guilt burns hotter. 

"I believe you," he says quietly. Hope starts to flicker in Aaron's chest despite his best efforts, though he doesn't even know exactly what he's hoping for. Forgiveness, even though he doesn't deserve it. Friendship. Another go at a relationship, the quiet, traitorous part of him whispers, the part of him that's loathe to let go of anyone even when he knows it's best.

"But you owe me more of an explanation, Aaron," he continues. Aaron nods slowly. He does. He deserves to know everything, really. But even as Aaron accepts that, he knows that he won't be able to bring himself to tell the full truth.

"Well... what do you want to know? But... Robert, I'm still not going to tell you who it was."

Robert's mouth twists, but he doesn't look surprised.

"I know them, then," he says, but he doesn't give Aaron a chance to respond.  "Right. Before or after Adam moved in?" He asks. Aaron is pretty sure Robert wants to make sure it wasn't Michael Aaron slept with - cheated with - but he can't help the nerves that spark along his veins at the idea Robert might know it was Adam. 

"Before," he says, meeting Robert's gaze.

"And it was just once?" He presses. Aaron nods.

"I knew it was a mistake as soon as I'd done it, Robert. It was only once. I know that doesn't make it right... but it was only once." Robert nods slowly, looking down at his lap for a minute that feels to Aaron like an hour, before looking back up and giving Aaron a serious look.

"I'm not going to pretend I'm alright with this, Aaron," he starts. "And I'm not sure I'm happy to just let it go without knowing who else I should be angry at. But... if you're really serious about making up for it, well. We could come back from this, if we put the work in - if you put the work in." Aaron nods quickly, hope blooming in his chest. He'd do near anything to make things as right as he possibly can.

"Yeah, of course," he rushes to agree. "I'd never want to leave it like this between us." 

"There are conditions, though," Robert says sharply, and Aaron nods again, feeling a little bit like a bobblehead with the amount he's been nodding along to what Robert wants.

"I don't want to see that Michael ever again," he says first, looking at Aaron like he expects a protest, but Aaron just nods eagerly. Of course he's happy to keep Michael and Robert apart - they're hardly likely to cross paths, anyway, considering Robert is just as unlikely to be spending any amount of time with Adam. He still thinks it's a completely misplaced dislike, but he's not going to push the point. 

"And if we're going to get on track, if this relationship is going to work, then Adam has to go," he continues, and oh. Oh, fuck, Aaron and his inability to communicate have ballsed everything up  _again_.

"Robert, that's not what I-"

"It's got to happen some time, Aaron," Robert snaps. "He's dead weight. I don't know why my sister let herself get saddled with him, but him leaving was the best thing that could have happened to her, and it's time for him to leave you alone, too. I'm sick of him swanning around my house like he owns the place."

He's stopped in his fight to correct Robert's misunderstanding by his brain shuddering to a halt, trying to process what he's trying to say.

"You want me to kick Adam out," Aaron says. It's meant to be a question, but the outrageous impossibility of it hamstrings his inflection and it comes out flat and disbelieving.

"I want you to cut Adam off," Robert corrects, and all Aaron can do is stare blankly at him. "We can buy him out of the business, whatever, I can get the money. He'll get what he's owed. But he's a bad influence and reckless and I don't want my boyfriend to keep getting pulled down with him. "

He'd come here nervous and unsure, trying to build up enough courage to turn down any attempt at reconciliation, but it turns out he needn't've bothered. He's never been more sure of anything than he is right now.

" _No,"_ he finally manages to say, shaking off his stunned inertia. "No, of course not, Robert, are you fucking crazy? I'd never do that. Not for anyone."

Robert has the gall to look genuinely surprised, as if he really thought Aaron would push aside the best friend he's ever had just because Robert told him to. 

"He's an idiot, Aaron!" Robert snaps. "He's an idiot with even dumber friends. You're so much better than him, I don't know why you still hang about him in the first place! Are you really going to chose him over us?"

"Of  _course_  I am," Aaron snaps back. "You can't just choose who I'm friends with, Robert! What's next, you gonna demand I get rid of Liv next time she's moody with you!?"

"That's different," Robert says, scowling. "She's your family, of course I wouldn't make her leave."

" _Adam's my family too, Robert_ ," Aaron snarls, heart pounding. "He's been there for me for everything and there's _nobody_  who could make me just cut him off. This is- I can't believe you even asked me that. I love you Robert, I do, but god, if this is how you expect our relationship to go then I'm more sure than ever that it's never going to work."

"I would give up anyone for you, Aaron," Robert says in a low, wounded voice, and Aaron shakes his head violently, frustrated tears starting to sting his eyes. 

"But I wouldn't  _want_ you to, Robert! That's not the kind of relationship I want, where we fucking- where we make ultimatums about who we're allowed to spend time with, about who we're allowed to be friends with. I- look, fuck, it doesn't even matter, okay? I meant it when I said we were better off ending it. I didn't come here to get back together. We just - I love you, Robert, I do," he says, his voice starting to crack embarrassingly. "But we've taken so many wrong turns and we're two totally different people, and... it's not working, Robert. It's not. And I don't want to destroy the both of us, trying."

"You're giving up, you mean," Robert says, making that sudden switch to cold and disdainful he does so well. "You fucked up and you don't want to put the work in to make up for it."

"I do," Aaron says, fighting tears. "Of course I want to make it up to you, Robert. I hate myself for what I did. But that doesn't mean we should keep killing ourselves trying to keep this going. It's not working. It's not going to."

Robert shakes his head, lips pressed in a thin line. 

"You're not willing to work for something good, is what's really going on. You're not willing to fight for us. You mess up and you'd rather hurt yourself and me and make yourself poor martyr Aaron again than try and fix it."

"If that's what you need, Robert," Aaron says, anger and frustration abruptly draining out of him, the vacuum quickly filling with complete exhaustion. "If that's what you need to let us go, then yes, okay, it's my fault. I don't have the energy for it, I don't care enough, I don't... I don't have it in me to fight as hard as I would need to. This is... I'm giving up. I can't do this. I love you, but I can't do this. I- look, this wasn't what I wanted, okay? This isn't what I came here for. I'm... I'm gonna leave, alright, I'm gonna go and we- we can try again some other time or- I'll start packing up your things and you just. Let me know what to do with it, I guess. I'm sorry."  He stands and turns to leave, tears already starting to drip down his face, and all he dares hope for right now is that the tears to stay manageable until he's safely out of sight of the house. 

"You're really just going to throw away everything!?" Robert yells after him. "After everything that's happened, after everything I've given up and lost for you, you're just  _walking away_!?" He can hear that particular fury in Robert's voice that only appears when he feels completely unseated, when he's flailing for purchase after losing control of a situation he thought he had in the bag. 

 _It's not your problem to deal with anymore,_  he reminds himself sharply, fighting the urge to turn back and give Robert what he wants and wipe away the fear he knows is fueling the outburst. He closes the door carefully behind him, giving himself a few seconds to suck in a shaky breath and scrub at his eyes, and then strides quickly to his car and throws himself into the front seat. 

 _You can't fix this_ , he tells himself, forcing his hands steady as he reverses out of the driveway.  _Staying is only going to hurt the both of you._ His breaths are starting to turn into pants, his chest tightening around his lungs, and he probably isn't completely safe to drive but he needs to get out of here and back into safe territory. He prays that Robert isn't doing anything stupid, prays that he's not self-combusting and taking someone else down with him, and it kills him that praying is all he can do. Even when he pulls into the scrapyard, shuddering to a halt in what is most likely a horrendous parking job, he's fighting the urge to rush back to Robert and beg him to forget everything he just said. It burns in everything he is, to leave Robert hurting and alone, knowing he's the reason for it, knowing he could stop it but not being willing to. 

He curls over himself, thumping his head down on the steering wheel and gripping it so tight his fingers ache, and tries his best to breath through the panic. It all feels like an awful, horrible mistake, one that he's going to regret for the rest of his life, even though he knows this has to happen. 

 _You'd have to turn your back on Adam,_  he reminds himself, and it helps a little bit, to remember that it's not just a choice between Robert and no Robert anymore. To remember what Robert would be willing to try and make him commit to, if they tried yet again. It's not enough to completely clear his head, though, and he almost jumps out of his skin when the passenger door swings open with a creak. 

"Hey, hey, it's okay." He hears Adam slide into the passenger seat and drags a hand across his eyes, twisting his head sideways against the steering wheel to look over. Adam's eyes are wide with concern. "Hey, what happened? What'd he do?" His eyes keep dipping down to appraise him as if he was going to see some physical sign of hurt, and Aaron forces himself to take a deep, albeit shaky, breath. 

"He wanted to get back together," he manages to say, feeling like a complete idiot. Robert was the one who was turned down again, after being willing to forgive Aaron for what he did; it's not Aaron who has any right to be crying right now. He expects the worry on Adam's face to disappear and braces himself for him to try not to let the disdain show too obviously, but if anything Adam looks even more worried, brow knitting together in concern.

"And when you said no?" He pushes gently. Aaron shrugs, feeling self-conscious and pathetic sitting there curled over himself, but too scared of drawing attention to his posture to move. 

"He got upset. He got angry. It's- I hurt him again, and then I just  _walked out."_ He regrets his actions more and more with every passing second, and it's almost debilitating how suddenly unsure he is about his decision to leave. 

"Hey, Aaron, it's okay." Adam leans over and grips him by the shoulder, touch solid and reassuring. "It's bound to be a bit tough at the end of a relationship, right, he'll bounce back. There's nothing you can do to stop him being upset that you two are over. I mean, you don't want to get back together with him, yeah?" 

He loves Adam, but the man is atrocious at hiding how he really feels, so Aaron can see the wariness he's trying to fight down. His guilt at leaving Robert wars with the exhausting rollarcoaster of a future that would be inevitable if he went back, but right now it's not that which manages to stop him crawling back. It's not the cold reality that going back would only result in more pain in the long run, and it's not even the way he knows that even if Robert forgives him, he'll always consider himself on the back foot and struggle to be the guiding force Robert needs. Those are all true and real, but it's not them. It's selfishly, greedily, the way his breath catches in his chest at the idea of even trying to turn Adam away, let alone cut him off. It's the way that Robert tried to make him choose, and choosing anything but Adam didn't even feel like an option. He's not leaving Robert  _for_  Adam but, god, having him there in stark contrast makes it so much easier to say no.

So he shakes his head firmly and pushes himself fully upright, clinging tight in relief when Adam uses his grip to pull him into an awkward hug across the seats. 

"Then don't beat yourself up, alright? Now come on, wipe your face off and I'll get us that pint I promised. We can get Chas to bring us drinks in behind the bar, if you're feeling like an antisocial grump." He taps into Aaron's ribs with that jab and hopes out of the car, shooting Aaron a cheeky grin that softens at the corners when Aaron's returning glare can't hide the way his shoulders have relaxed and his mouth wants to curl up.

"Go on then," he says, wiping his tears away. "You're buying all night, though."

"We'll see," Adam snorts. It's a stupid everyday exchange, a mirror of one they've had probably hundreds of times, but that doesn't stop it feeling like the first ray of sunshine after a storm. 


End file.
